The MTV Movie Awards were last night, and I did my very best to watch the shiny two-hour commercial for summer films. I have no idea how people with fully-formed brains sit through that thing, because eventually I decided that the commercials during the NBA Finals were less irritating than a horde of teenagers shrieking at the slightest mention of Twilight. And I HATE commercials.

Anyway, here are the highlights that I caught/read about elsewhere:

• Robert Pattinson went off the TelePrompTer while honoring his Water for Elephants costar Reese Witherspoon, resulting in an un-bleeped F-word. Oh no, think of the children or whatever.
• Witherspoon joked about Blake Lively’s nude pictures. You can watch video of that and Pattinson’s slip-up here if you enjoy wasting your life.
• Everyone assumes that Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are humpin’, so they joked about it and assured us that they aren’t by groping each other.
• Emma Watson’s got a pretty great ass.
• Emma Stone has red hair again. Nice!
• Emma Roberts wasn’t there that I know of, but if she had been I would’ve booed her and demanded more Watson and Stone.
• Justin Bieber has earrings now. He showed up in a bright blue blazer with the sleeves pushed up, thus completing Hollywood’s greatest prank of all time: making teenage girls fall in love with a lesbian from the 1980s.

Ugh. This is such a letdown to write about after the thrilling violence of “Game of Thrones.” What I wouldn’t pay for someone to tear out Bieber’s throat on television.

(banner pic via suicideblonde; inset via the Superficial)

I didn’t mention Christina Aguilera’s performance during my MTV Movie Awards recap, and that’s a shame, because she deserves more credit for being so much better than all the other female pop singers. She’s better looking than Lady Gaga, and she sings better than whoever else she gets compared to, from Madonna to Britney Spears to Katy Perry (who capably displayed how she succeeded in the music industry, above right).

But most importantly, Xtina reminded us of the age-old truism: the fastest way to a woman’s crotch is through her heart. She’s so wise. Like Confucius in a sequined bustier.

(More GIFs at fourfour’s great recap)

The NBA Finals, the Stanley Cup Finals, “Breaking Bad,” and “Treme” were all on TV at the same time last night, but the MTV Movie Awards overshadowed the quality programming with its usual combination of glitz, buzzy moments, and the awful pop cultural tastes of teenagers. Here’s some of the stuff that I caught between flipping between the NBA Finals and “Breaking Bad” (which, as usual, was UNSANE)…

• Aziz Ansari was okay as the host. I dunno, he did a little bit of stand-up at the beginning and then I didn’t see him again.
• Sandra Bullock got some B.S. “Generation Award” so she could make her triumphant public appearance and get past the Jesse James stuff. And she capped it off by kissing Scarlett Johansson. That’s how I get over break-ups, too. “Hey, ScarJo? Me again. Mind coming over and mending this broken heart?” (video below)
• Katy Perry sang an absolutely horrible song about California. Like, Ke$ha-awful. But she wore a blue wig and had her giant cans on display, so I’m inclined to let it slide. (more pics at WWTDD)
• The big opening number was Tom Cruise, reprising a supporting character from 2008, dancing with Jennifer Lopez. Truly a cool thing to see if it was 12 years ago instead of 2010.

Oh yeah, and Twilight won for pretty much everything, except best villain. I know what you’re thinking: that went to Christoph Waltz in Inglorious Basterds, right? Nope. Surely Ken Jeong in The Hangover, then? Oh no, it was Tom Felton for Harry Potter and the Adjective Noun. His turn as Draco Malfoy truly was a timeless performance. It was haunting, really. I’ve never been so terrified of a 20-year-old British kid with bleached blond hair. Great call on that one, teenagers.
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Many of Aziz Ansari’s followers on Twitter found it strange that the “Park and Recreation” scene-stealer subjected himself to the first two Twilight movies last week. As it turns out, that may have been preparation for an upcoming gig: the MTV Movie Awards.

Insiders tell Showtracker exclusively that the comedian and “Parks and Recreation” star is in final negotiations to host the 2010 MTV Movie Awards, slated to air live June 6 from the Gibson Amphitheatre in Universal City.

Last week, Ansari spent a couple of days live-tweeting his first-ever viewings of “Twilight” and its sequel “New Moon”: “Never thought I’d see a dude pull up in a Subaru Forrester with such authority.” [...]

“Twilight” swept the evening at the 2009 ceremony — five awards including the one for best movie — and stars Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart turned up to present a special extended trailer for “New Moon.” (With the third “Twilight” film, “Eclipse,” premiering June 30 — and with MTV long leading the charge in all things “Twilight”-related — one presumes viewers this year will get a similar treat.) [LA Times]

For years, the MTV Movie Awards have basically been the Teen Choice Awards with a couple more stars and a slightly brighter sheen, so it’s no surprise that this year’s show will be another extended Twilight handjob. But Ansari should give the show some much-needed intelligence and humor in between the high-pitched wails of lonely teenage girls. So… yay, I guess. Sorry if I’m not more enthusiastic. This is kinda like hearing Neil Patrick Harris will host the Dead Kitten Awards.

The big deal at Sunday’s MTV Movie Awards was Eminem walking out after Bruno’s be-thonged ass ended up in his face.  Since then, everyone’s been like, “Was it staged?  I think it was staged!”  “No way!  Eminem is a humorless dick!”  Et cetera.  The head writer for the show admitted on his blog that it was staged, but then he removed the post, and basically this story has gone on for way longer than it merits.  Which brings us to this interview from Rap Radar:

RR: Can you clear up the Bruno stunt at the MTV Awards? Was it staged or planned?
Eminem: Sacha called me when we were in Europe and he had an idea to do something outrageous at the Movie Awards.  I’m a big fan of his work so I agreed to get involved with the gag.

If it wasn’t planned the way you agreed to, do you hold MTV or Sacha responsible and will you take any kind of action?
I’m thrilled that we pulled this off better than we rehearsed it.  It had so many people going “nuts” so to speak. Everyone was blowing me up about it.

After you left the ceremony, where did you go?
After the ceremony I went back to my hotel and laughed uncontrollably for about 3 hours. Especially after I saw it on air.

So there we go.  Mystery solved… or is it? MAYBE Eminem is just saying he was in on the joke to save face!!!  Will we ever get to the bottom of this?????????  We should ask Sacha Baron Cohen.  Perhaps we’ll get a straight answer from the British comedian pretending to be a gay Austrian model.