This post was originally going to be about the History Channel paying $3.5 million to advertise their show “Swamp People” during the Super Bowl. As I was reading over the story, however, I came across this paragraph:

“Swamp People” is History’s third most-watched original series, trailing only “Pawn Stars” and “American Pickers.” “Pawn Stars” throughout 2011 averaged 7.02 million L7 viewers, making it the fifth most popular program on basic cable. “Pickers” averaged 5.78 million.

Yeah… none of those shows are about history. Not even a little bit. “Swamp People” is about Cajun dudes catching alligators or something, “Pawn Stars” is just about a fancy pawn shop, and “American Pickers” is about buying and selling antiques. To bastardize a great Mitch Hedberg joke, this would be like if the Food Network started airing a reality show about farmers. It’s ridiculous. Yes, the network’s ratings are up, but I don’t see how they can keep calling themselves “The History Channel” like they’re some beacon for educational programming when their schedule is full of shows like this. I’m on to you, History Channel! YOUR HEAD RESTS UPON A BED OF LIES!

But, the more I thought about it, I realized that the History Channel is far from the only network guilty of this. I’ve compiled a collection of other offenders after the jump.

A&E (Arts and Entertainment) – If anyone can explain to me — TO MY SATISFACTION — what shows about crippling psychological issues and substance abuse like “Hoarders” and “Intervention” have to do with arts and/or entertainment, I will give you $100.

AMC (American Movie Classics) – Despite the word “movie” being right there in the title, AMC has become the home to a number of quality TV dramas, including “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad.” I would be tempted to give them a pass for this if they didn’t also air reruns of “CSI: Miami” and classic movies like Jurassic Park III and The Sandlot: Heading Home (the direct-to-video third Sandlot film, and an absolute travesty).

Bravo – Formerly the home to a lineup of arts-based shows, centered around their staple “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” the network is now home to a menagerie of shows about hairdressers and insanely rich, drunken harpies fighting over perceived slights involving dinner reservations. The lesson here is this: between this network, A&E, and education cutbacks, the arts in this country are totally f-cked. Our entire economy will be based around getting sh-thoused and punching your friends by 2020.

MTV (Music Television) – The channel that used to air music videos and news now airs shows about pregnant teenagers and orange, roided-up millionaires traveling the world and embarrassing America at every stop.

TLC (The Learning Channel) – I think we’ve been a little unfair to TLC. I’ve learned a ton about soullessly exploiting your own children and other people’s disabilities for financial gain by watching this channel.

VH1 (Video Hits One) – Another music channel, formerly specializing in Michael Bolton and Celine Dion videos, that changed its format over the last few years. It now features a lineup full of dating shows and reality competitions based around washed up recording artists from 20 years ago courting strippers, and spinoffs about the most cartoonish competitors on those shows.

And that’s just a sampling. I’m sure if I sat around and did more research, I could find a bunch more. Feel free to add your own examples in the comments, or just silently be irritated about it for weeks, like I was before today.

Kevin Kirkpatrick, one of Hollywood’s leading prosthetic makeup artist (he did work on The Wolfman, the upcoming Avengers movie, and is responsible for the prosthetic artistry on Lincoln in this summer’s Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter) took the liberty of designing these prosthetic models showing what Beavis and Butthead would look like in real life.

If you ever wonder why Beavis and Butthead can’t get laid, these images should clear any confusion up for you. They look like they were inbred from inbreds.

(Reddit via Buzzfeed)

(Reddit via Buzzfeed)

In news that feels like it should be bookended by the word “Bro,” MTV is bringing back the Ashton Kutcher produced celebrity prank show, “Punk’d.” “THIS IS GREAT NEWS!” said the marketing director for Von Dutch and literally no one else I can think of.

After months of rumors, MTV is officially reviving the hidden-camera prank classic, ordering a new version of Punk’d to series. Jason Goldberg and Ashton Kutcher are back on board as executive producers. But the show’s host is…

… a different question. MTV plans to announce the show’s host/hosts during its New Years Eve party live telecast next week. Access Hollywood reported months ago that a new show was in the works, using different celebrity hosts for each episode — and noting in the premiere that Justin Bieber is the man in the van. [EW]

Between this news and NBC bringing back “Fear Factor,” it’s beginning to look like 2012 is going to be the second coming of the douche. Seriously, I thought we killed all this crap years ago. Now it looks like we’re only a month or two from someone greenlighting a show called “Bro, U Got Punched Bro” hosted by Fred Durst that airs four hours a week in primetime. This simply will not do.

As I think more about this, though, I realize this news may not be all bad. Don’t get me wrong, there is still is 0% chance I watch an updated version of “Punk’d.” BUT, if it is going to be hosted by Justin Bieber, even in a one-shot guest role, that means there’s at least a chance he tries to Punk Ron Artest and I log into Tumblr one morning to find a GIF of Artest bopping him so hard on the head that he ends up buried in the ground up to his neck like in a cartoon. That would make all this worth it.

MTV recently released a list of celebrities who will be appearing at its annual New Year’s Eve celebration and holy crap I am 1000 years old and should just be cast off on an iceberg to die alone at sea so I no longer burden society.

MTV will ring in the new year with a little help from our friends, including Mac Miller, J. Cole and Jason Derülo. “NYE in NYC 2012″ will air live at 11 p.m. ET on December 31 from Times Square and will also boast performances from Selena Gomez and co-host Demi Lovato.

“Teen Wolf” star Tyler Posey will be on hand to help Lovato count down the minutes to midnight on the show, which will also feature special appearances from Vanessa Marano and Katie Leclerc of “Switched at Birth.” [MTV]

Ok. Outside of Selena Gomez, I have no idea who any of those people are. None. And I only know who she is because she’s dating Justin Bieber (dear God why do I know that?). Tyler Posey could walk right into my living room and say “Hi, I’m Tyler Posey from ‘Teen Wolf,’” and I’d probably spend the next 20 minutes trying to figure which baby he played in the Michael J. Fox movie. Then I’d realize the movie came out in 1985 and that kid was probably born in like 1993 and I’d just die. Right there. I’d age hundreds of years and turn into dust like I drank from the wrong grail, and then I’d blow away when he turned on the blow dryer he probably carries with him to maintain his assuredly infuriating haircut.

Because I have nothing else to add due to my ignorance, here are some titles of songs I imagine will be performed during this special: “Baby, You’re My Baby Girl”; “Bounce (DJ Technoface Remix)”; “5ive Wayz I Luv U (feat. MC Dubstep)”; “Boy You’re My Only Boy (Baby)”; “Do Me At the Mall.”

Ahhhh, nothing makes me feel like intellectual pursuits are a complete waste quite like Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi speaking straight from the heart. This time, the New York Times bestselling author sat down with GQ and shared her views about reading, politics, how she’d change “Jersey Shore,” and absolutely nothing that will make you feel good about the state of the nation. Choice excerpts:

GQ: So, I’ve got to ask: You’ve really never heard of J.K. Rowling or Maya Angelou?
Snooki: I don’t read. I don’t like to read Harry Potter or anything like that. It’s not my style.

GQ: But you’re a New York Times best-selling author!
Snooki: Yeah, doesn’t mean I have to read.

GQ: Fair point. What is your favorite book?
Snooki: Dear John. I read that in a day because it was so amazing. And then I ended up seeing the movie and it was really good. [SERIOUSLY? -Ed.] We were supposed to read in high school but I never did because I just used the CliffsNotes, books were too long.

*rubs temples* I… I don’t even want to process everything I just read there. Let’s just move on to how smart Snooki thinks she is:

GQ: What do you think people’s perception is of you guys?
Snooki: They just think that we’re stupid, that we have no education, and all we do is drink, have sex.

GQ: Do you want to change that?
Snooki: Oh, I would love to. I have an education, I went to college, you know?

Went. Not finished. Not graduated. Went.

GQ: What was your major?
Snooki: Veterinarian tech. Test me and bring me to a hospital. I can induce an animal, do surgery, do anesthesia, and take blood. So if you want to tell me I’m stupid again, let’s go to an animal hospital.

If I hand you a book at the animal hospital, can I still call you stupid?

GQ: What’s an animal that you’ve worked with before?
Snooki: I did dogs and cats. I’ve actually worked with ducks, drew blood from a horse, and stuck my hand in a cow’s ass.

That’s the least surprising — and possibly least depressing — statement in this entire interview.

This video from Sean Klitzner would be a pretty cool breakdown of “Jersey Shore’s” idiotic fakery if he didn’t waste so much of my precious Internet time. The first minute-plus is an unfunny, over-long introduction, the next two minutes comprise the relevant “Jersey Shore” material, then the fourth minute is a non sequitur bit about Siri, and the final 90 seconds is all promotion for his Klitzner’s other projects. So it takes five and a half minutes to deliver less than 120 seconds of “Jersey Shore” breakdown. Dude, that is NOT how to make a viral video. Respect my ADD, man.

NEVERTHELESS, the “Jersey Shore” stuff — in which Klitzner dissects an obviously staged scene — is worth watching, because reality TV producers have to be some of the laziest morons in the entertainment industry. It’s worth revising that ugly old cliche — “Those who can, do. Those who can’t make reality television.”

[via BuzzFeed]

Expensive Private School Dogs watch 'Jersey Shore' for the subtle nods to Godard

I watch “Jersey Shore” for the drinking and fighting and terrible clothes and irresponsible sexual activity, but I’ve always felt that there was something MORE that I was missing, some kind of deeper meaning. Thankfully, someone at the elite University of Chicago organized a symposium to analyze “Jersey Shore” in the most pretentious terms possible.

[Deena] popped up frequently as a subject of academic discussion, particularly for an episode in which she thwarted the Situation’s attempt to bring home twins by swiping one for herself. In the process she became a trickster figure, upending the show’s heteronormativity and its power dynamics.

*kisses fingers* Ahhh, now THAT is some Grade-A pretentious academic codswallop if I’ve ever seen it. Nevertheless, I could use some more references to Marx and Foucault:

“MTV gets this,” insisted Ellie Marshall, a McGill undergraduate with the distinction of having interned for the show’s executive producer, making her the only conference participant with hands-on experience. One of the slides in her presentation was titled “Bodily Discipline: Foucault + Snooki = BFF.” After she showed a clip of Snooki getting arrested on the beach during Season 3 while onlookers gawked at her celebrity misbehavior, Ms. Marshall argued that it was the audience that was being arrested and rendered docile, not Snooki.

If she didn’t use the phrase “fourth wall,” I will eat my hat.

Atle Mikkola Kjosen, a graduate student at the University of Western Ontario, suggested that the show upends Marx’s proposition that the optimal worker is a regulated worker, one who’s allowed to rest. “Jersey Shore” labor is 24-hour labor, both on and off camera, and the show improves in proportion to the toll that ruthless schedule takes on the protagonists.

And to think, some people saddled with six figures of debt from private universities can’t get jobs in today’s market. It’s unfathomable.

Tonya Cooley was a member of 2002′s “Real World: Chicago,” and since then she’s appeared as a Playboy Cybergirl of the Week and starred in Cinemax’s The Erotic Traveler 02: Lost in Ecstasy (sounds good). She has also appeared on eight seasons of the “Real World/Road Rules Challenge,” a career that is likely over now that she’s suing MTV and the castmates that allegedly raped her with a toothbrush.

Cooley’s lawsuit claims that while she was passed out — and MTV was filming — Santucci and Starkman “took another male participant’s toothbrush and rubbed the toothbrush around plaintiff’s genitals, including rubbing her labia and inserting the toothbrush into plaintiff’s vagina.”

But if she was passed out and didn’t object, is it really rape? Yes? Oh. I should probably write that down somewhere.

Cooley then alleges producers replaced the toothbrush and didn’t tell her what happened. She also says producers encouraged male cast members to “inappropriately touch female cast members’ bodies, including in intimate areas,” while stripped of their bathing suits. Apparently she and other female “Challenge” participants reported the incidents, but MTV didn’t do anything about it. [Zap2it via TMZ]

If this is true, it’s a pretty terrible and disgusting act. But not surprising. In fact, MTV has “you might get raped” built into its reality contracts. Seriously. Remember when the standard “Real World” contract leaked? It’s right there in Stipulation 7:

• Producers are under no obligation to conduct background checks on your fellow cast members. (7)
• Interacting with other cast members carries the risk of “non-consensual physical contact” and should you contract AIDS, etc. during such an interaction, MTV is not responsible. (7)

The lesson, children, as always: DON’T GO ON REALITY TELEVISION. Go to school and learn a trade useful to society. Like blogging!

It feels like a long, long time since MTV did anything to make young people think critically about something that actually matters, but the network actually embedded cameras with three Occupy Wall Street protesters for two weeks, and the resultant footage will be shown on “True Life: I’m Occupying Wall Street,” set to air Saturday, November 5th.

The clip above doesn’t exactly do the OWS movement justice; for the most part, the protesters seem like people dead-set on living in a park, not focused on overhauling a corrupt financial system that crippled the country while the richest 1% grew even richer. But I’d assume that the finished product tells a better story, and really I’m just happy that MTV made something that isn’t about pregnant teenagers or Guido idiots. It’s such a huge step up that I can’t complain.

"OK boys, set your night sticks to WHOMP."

[Deadline]

You’re killin’ me, MTV. We finally got through the endless monotony of Season 4 of “Jersey Shore,” and already Season 5 is waiting in the wings, ready to detail the Guidos’ of this past summer in Seaside Heights. Thankfully, the next season doesn’t kick off until early 2012, so this should be the last 3:30 of “Jersey Shore” you watch for another two months or so.

However, this clip of the continuing apocalypse comes with a silver lining: for the first time ever, ratings were down for a “Jersey Shore” finale.

Gasp you should. Italy was crazy dull, yo.

Shore delivered 6.6 million viewers for its season 4 finale, down 13 percent from season 3′s closer. That downturn is despite the season launching higher than ever, with a spectacular 8.8 million blowout that was MTV’s most-watched series premiere ever. So far Shore finales have clocked 4.8 million for season one, 6.1 million for season two, 7.6 million for season three and, now, reversing down to 6.6 million. [Inside TV]

More like “Jersey BORE!” Ha ha, total burn.