mybabymonkey“Please kill me.”

TLC is easily the most loathsome cable channel, which is saying a lot considering VH1′s reality programming and the fact that Bravo just gave Christian Siriano and Bethenny Frankel their own shows. On Sunday night, TLC will put its spotlight on people who adopt monkeys and treat them like children with a documentary called “My Baby Monkey.” And now is the part of the blog where we learn about these people’s sorry lives:

Jesus and Carmen decided not to have children because of Jesus’ own difficult childhood. But they are devoted parents to Butters. Carmen crocheted clothes in anticipation of her daughter’s arrival, and dotes on her “baby girl,” who wears diapers sized for premature infants.

“She is gorgeous,” Jesus said in “My Monkey Baby.” “Hi, little girl. Look at those big pretty eyes,” Carmen gushed. “Yeah, those pretty eyes.”

The best part about having a monkey child? They require 24-hour attention, you have to change their diapers, and — oh yeah — they’re wild animals who will bite you, so you should probably remove their teeth. Basically, it’s like living with a demon-baby that never grows up. But they’re so cute!

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