"I'm out."

I’ve got nothing against Broadway or musical theater, but I’m just not the right audience for the Tony Awards, which aired last night while I was tuned into “Game of Thrones” and the deciding game of the NBA Finals. But my flamboyant internet friends tell me that Neil Patrick Harris once again did an excellent job as host, and I wanted to post a couple of videos from the show to acknowledge his talent and charm. The Tonys may have a niche audience, but other awards shows could take some cues on how to conduct a live show. (Step 1: MORE GAYS!)

“Good evening, I’m teen heartthrob Neil Patrick Harris.”

Ah, I do enjoy a good “top/bottom” innuendo.

Neil Patrick Harris closes the show with some slam poetry that was written during the show by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Tommy Kail. NPH is the best gay rapper since Eazy-E. What? Not gay? Oh, sorry. I just assumed, because, you know… never mind.

(via Vulture)

65th Annual Tony Awards (CBS) — Neil Patrick Harris once again hosts Broadway’s biggest night, with Book of Mormon scheduled to win everything. Fun fact: the photo above is actually from the Oscars, when Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin hosted. I feel like if I didn’t disclose that now, some random A-hole would get all snooty about it in the comments and question my “journalistic” credentials.

Camelot (Starz, Friday) — Season finale. I don’t have Starz. Can anyone tell me if Eva Green showed her boobs this season?

The Glee Project (Oxygen, Sunday) — Series premiere. Theater kids, also known as “Gleeks” or “Gleetards” or theatards,” compete to win a seven-episode stint on “Glee.”

2011 Guys Choice Awards (Spike, Friday) — Jennifer Aniston accepts a “Decade of Hotness” award. I assume that decade was 1995-2005. Awww, why’d I say that? That was unnecessarily mean.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E!, Sunday) — Season premiere. I might not loathe this show so much if the title wasn’t so damn long. And also if they were all mute. Mute and terminally ill. Or maybe just dead. Amended: I might not loathe this show if it was time-lapse photography of the Kardashians’ rotting corpses.

Dr. Who (BBC America, Saturday) — Spring finale. I abbreviated the show’s name specifically to piss off British sci-fi geeks. God, that feels good.

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (TLC, Friday) — Series premiere. This was a huge hit in Britain. As I noted early this spring, TLC is not only airing the original version, but is also developing a show about American gypsies.

On the set of Amanda Seyfried's 'Black Hole Sun' remake

In his post-Oscars show, Jimmy Kimmel aired an informercial spoof for “humpilates,” which was painfully unfunny but notable because it featured actresses like Scarlett Johansson, Minka Kelly, Emily Blunt, and Jessicas Biel and Alba. For last night’s show, Kimmel rolled out a sequel for the diet to go with humpilates (video below). It’s somehow even less funny than the humpilates sketch, yet once again I watched the entire thing because it’s a non-stop stream of attractive actresses and models: January Jones, Rebecca Romijn, Anna Faris, Amanda Seyfried, Kerry Washington, Zoe Saldana, Kristen Bell, Heidi Klum, Marisa Miller, Erin Andrews, plus several of the women from the first sketch. Scarlett and Jessica Biel both have lines that almost made me chuckle, but not even an appearance from the great Neil Patrick Harris can salvage a real laugh from this. Woof.

I get it, Jimmy: you know more beautiful actresses I do. But if you’re going to parade them around on your show, can you at least do me the favor of getting out of the picture?

ACTING!

Dexter (Showtime, Sunday) — Season 5 finale. Looks like we can talk about “Dexter” now that that “Boardwalk Empire” and “The Walking Dead” finished their seasons. Check out the preview below — Dexter’s totally busted, man.

Saturday Night Live (NBC) — Paul Rudd hosts with musical guest Paul McCartney. I could do without McCartney’s music, but Rudd is one of the most likable comedic actors on the planet.

The Amazing Race (CBS, Sunday) — Season finale. Season 17 will go down in history as the “Watermelon in the Face” season.

The Good Guys (Fox, Friday) — Season finale. Chris Klein brings his unnaturally smooth face and unparalleled acting skills to the show for a guest starring role.

Rebel Truce: The History of the Clash (BBC America) — About twice a year, I listen to London Calling from start to finish, and every time I get angry at myself for not listening to it more often. It’s a perfect album.

2010 Video Game Awards (Spike, Saturday) — Neil Patrick Harris hosts, because that’s what Neil Patrick Harris does best. Try to guess if Olivia Munn will present an award. Just try.

The Creative Arts Emmys were handed out this weekend, and “creative arts” is a very polite way of saying “not important enough to televise.” I guess the Emmys that get shown on TV are for non-creative work. Wait, that’s the Daytime Emmys.

ANYWAY, winners included Betty White (Best Guest Actress in a Comedy, “Saturday Night Live”), Neil Patrick Harris (Best Guest Actor in a Comedy, “Glee”/Best Special Class Program, The Tony Awards), and Isaiah Mustafa (Best Commercial, “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like”). Other notable events:

• John Lithgow won Best Guest Actor in a Dramatic Series for his role as the Trinity Killer in “Dexter,” then thanked HBO instead of Showtime.
• Ann-Margret received the only standing ovation of the night when she collected the award for Best Guest Actress in a Drama for her appearance on “Law & Order: SVU.” Ice-T has a way of bringing out the best in his fellow thespians.
• Christina Hendricks was there.

Full list of winners here. It’s absolutely fascinating stuff. Woo, way to go Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony! That lighting really was amazing!

Embedded below is the promo for next week’s “Glee” in which Neil Patrick guest stars as Will Schuester’s (Matthew Morrison’s) nemesis. It’s got some things worth seeing: early ’90s fashion, NPH in a mullet, and a cover of Aerosmith’s “Dream On.” (Because the theme of the episode deals with failing to achieve one’s dreams, you see. Apparently, “Glee” takes its obvious musical cues from the handbook for writing romantic comedies.)

Harris is also brought up in this Newsweek article claiming that openly gay actors can’t play straight characters.

While it’s OK for straight actors to play gay (as Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger did in Brokeback Mountain), it’s rare for someone to pull off the trick in reverse. [Portia] De Rossi and Harris do that on TV, but they also inhabit broad caricatures, not realistic characters likes the ones in Up in the Air or even The Proposal.

Whoa whoa whoa. Did someone actually claim that NPH’s Barney Stinson is less realistic than the characters in The Proposal? The same Proposal with Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock? The Proposal where an attractive woman and her attractive subordinate aren’t attracted to each other until they fake an engagement so she can get citizenship and he can get a promotion? And then her BlackBerry gets stolen by an eagle? THOSE characters are somehow more “realistic” than an attractive womanizing businessman who won’t settle down because his ego’s too large? Yeah, who’s ever heard of someone like THAT?

“Glee” will soon be returning from its long midseason hiatus with excess fabulosity in the form of guest stars like Neil Patrick Harris, Adam Lambert, and Broadway star Idina Menzel (rumored to play lookalike Lea Michele’s mother; see below) — plus an entire episode featuring Madonna songs. And to stoke the flaming gay fires of excitement, here’s Jane Lynch as evil cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester ranting on the local news against “sneaky gays.” Jane Lynch is unfiltered comedic awesomeness. She’s easily the best part of the show. I mean, after all the dancing to Beyoncé, of course.

How I Met Your Mother

Chuck (NBC) — I tuned out after watching the first couple episodes this season, but apparently tonight’s episode is a game-changer. I hope the change is to a sexier game with more realistic choreography for its fight scenes.

The Bachelor (ABC) — What’s that you say? This show ended last week? Oh no: it never ends. This is the televised wedding of Jason Mesnick and Molly Malaney — the woman Mesnick originally sent home at the final rose ceremony. How exciting! You get to watch a wedding without the fun of knowing the people or enjoying the free booze and food at the reception.

Animal Cops: Miami (Animal Planet) — “What do you mean, Lassie was played by a male dog? Sounds like this could be a… *sunglasses*… real bitch of a case.” YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Gossip Girl (CW) — The show returns from a long hiatus. How long was it? Not long enough. ZINGO! But seriously, Blake Lively needs to do something naked already. It can even be tasteful, I don’t care.

House (Fox) — Laure Prepon guest stars as a blogger who solicits medical advice online while admitted to House’s hospital. I’m sure House will love that.

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel) — I’m just finally getting around to reading Kitchen Confidential. It’s doing nothing to lessen my jealousy of the life that Bourdain has lived. I wish it were the ’70s so I could have all the irresponsible sex and drugs I could get my hands on.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS) — Milquetoast announcer Jim Nantz and wispy-haired stuffed shirt Phil Simms guest star as the play-by-play announcers for Barney’s life. Hooray for Super Bowl cross-promotion.

Castle (ABC) — I mentioned this in passing last week, but I’ve kinda started watching this show. Like, I don’t think I’ll ever DVR it, but I never seem to have any social obligations on Monday, so I end up on the couch watching “Castle” because nothing else interests me. Not the most ringing endorsement, but an endorsement nonetheless.

Celebrity Fit Club (VH1) — Season premiere, featuring faded and bloated stars like Nicole Eggert, Kebin Federline, and Bobby Brown. I nominate Luke Wilson for the next installment.

Cake Boss (TLC) — Season finale. I hope they make a cake!

House (Fox) — This episode focuses on the hospital through the eyes of Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein). I’m guessing she’ll catch a lot of people staring at her chest.

Intervention (A&E) — This week: alcoholism and bulimia. Hey bulimics, good call on your eating disorder. You have a body image problem, so you go with the disease that rots your teeth and makes your hair fall out. Now you’re beautiful!

This sounds weird, because we’re used to seeing Neil Patrick Harris win us over with his infectious portrayals of a womanizing businessman, a depraved version of himself, a pubescent doctor, or a gay host of the Tony Awards, but the man known as NPH will tape a pilot as the host of an Americanized version of the UK game show “The Cube” for CBS. What’s “The Cube,” you ask?

The contestant might complete a series of simple tasks like flicking a ball into a bucket of water or counting a number of squares in a certain amount of time in order to move up a money ladder, all of which take place in a glass cube…

The simple tasks, however, are anything but. Time is extremely short and… the whole game is monitored by a Saw-like ominous voice… who taunts the contestants into completing what seem to be a relatively easy game but remains serious and almost mechanical when they fail them. The Cube becomes its own character, giving you a villain that you can really hate. It’s basically Master Control from Tron with a Douchebag 2.0 upgrade. [TV Squad]

Hmm. Sounds all right, I guess. And the clip I watched was okay. But I think it would be better if NPH was the one to taunt contestants. In fact, I’d watch an entire show based around NPH taunting people. It wouldn’t even have to be a game show.