Danger Guerrero emailed me about the embedded video below: “This is a clip from ABC news last night featuring researchers and scientists in China putting on huge panda costumes to go interact with baby pandas. I don’t think it needs more context than that.”

He’s right, too — this is best enjoyed at face value. It was DEFINITELY worth ABC’s money to send a news crew to the other side of the planet for a two-minute story with a reporter in a panda suit. Alert the Pulitzer committee.

One day after NBC owned headlines thanks to Bob Costas’s exclusive, painful-to-watch interview with accused child rapist Jerry Sandusky, CBS had its own exclusive “get” with Mike McQueary, the Penn State assistant coach who, according to a grand jury, witnessed Sandusky having his way with a boy in the shower in 2002 and reported it to head coach Joe Paterno. CBS sent top sideline reporter Armen Keteyianto to interview McQueary, who gleaned every possible tidbit from him in an efficient, workmanlike 24 seconds. The transcript in entirety:

Keteyian: When do you think you’ll be ready to talk?
McQueary: The whole process has to play out. I just don’t have anything else to say.
Keteyian: Describe your emotions right now.
McQueary: All over the place, just kind of shaken.
Keteyian: Crazy?
McQueary: Crazy.
Keteyian: You said like what, Mike?
McQueary: Like a snow globe.
Keteyian: Like a snow globe?
McQueary: Yes sir.

BOOM! Nailed it. Go ahead and blow the smoke off your finger guns, AK, then sit back and wait for that Pulitzer to arrive in the mail. You earned it today.

Bob Costas landed a phone interview with former Penn State coordinator and alleged child rapist Jerry Sandusky that aired on last night’s “Rock Center,” and all I can say is WOW Sandusky should NOT be giving interviews. He folded like a cheap suit.

Costas: Mr. Sandusky, there is a 40-count indictment, the grand jury report contains specific details. There are multiple accusers, multiple eyewitnesses to various aspects of the abuse. A reasonable person says, “Where there is this much smoke, there must be plenty of fire.” What do you say?
Sandusky: I say that I am innocent of those charges.
Costas: Innocent? Completely innocent and falsely accused in every aspect?
Sandusky: Well, I could say that, you know, I have done some of those things. I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged them and I have touched their legs, without intent of sexual contact. But, um… uh … So, if you look at it that way … uh … there are things that … that … uh … wouldn’t … uh, you know, would be accurate.

Even worse is how long it took for Sandusky to say that he’s not sexually attracted to young boys. It’s barely even a denial.

Costas: Are you sexually attracted to young boys? To underage boys?
Sandusky: Am I sexually attracted to underage boys?
Costas: Yes.
Sandusky: Sexually attracted? You know, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them. I … but, no, I am not sexually attracted to young boys.

Well done, Jerry. Nailed it.

You now, Bob Costas gets a lot of crap from the blogerati for being a smug leprechaun, but he handled that like a pro. He asked tough questions without being accusatory, and he got through the whole thing without shivering in disgust or gagging at the thought of this guy raping young boys, which is better than I did just watching it.

[full transcript at WWTDD]

It’s a pretty slow day in TV news, so I’d like to turn your attention to the story that’s all over the Internet today: the Zanesville, Ohio residence of Terry Thompson, who last night released dozens of exotic wild animals from the cages on his property and then shot himself. Because the animals included dangerous animals like grizzly and black bears, lions, tigers, and leopards, schools canceled classes and the postal service limited its delivery today.

The most recent update says that only two of the estimated 51 animals (a monkey and a wolf) are unaccounted for; most were shot and killed by sheriff’s deputies, although a spokesman claimed that tranquilizers were used when possible. Oh, and then there’s this, proof that Ohio is the Ohio-est state in the nation:

Ohio has some of the nation’s weakest restrictions on exotic pets and among the highest number of injuries and deaths caused by them.

By the way, I’ve been to this real-life Cougar Town. A girl I dated about ten years ago was from southeastern Ohio, and her mother and brother lived in Zanesville. She went to college in Minnesota, then she moved to Europe and has lived there ever since. I like to think that Ohio was a bigger impetus for that than I was.

More importantly, in a Warming Glow exclusive, I’ve obtained the first photo of the grizzly that was shot:

Watch out, he’s trying to play an O.A.R. song!

Last night on ABC’s “World News Now,” anchor Dan Kloeffler was reporting how actor Zachary Quinto came out of the closet in a magazine interview. Kloeffler then nonchalantly said that he would lift his ban against dating actors to consider Quinto, and the way he kind of stumbles through that sentence you can tell that it’s a huge admission for him to make on-air (see video below). Kloeffler later wrote:

I’ve never shared that I’m gay on-air, even though I’ve been out to my family, friends and co-workers for years. In fact, an old boyfriend – now best friend – has always given me a hard time about not doing so. But for the same reason that Zach decided to come out, I too, no longer wanted to hide this part of my life.

I’m all for this, and not just because I enjoy milk bukkake GIFs. I understand that it can be scary to come out because there’s a big chunk of the country that’s still homophobic. But there’s no way to change that bigotry unless people with fame and influence demonstrate that they can be gay and have normal lives and not get AIDS all over everybody. Lookin’ at you, aging Christians in the Midwest. Stop making us look bad.

Although I’m all for the Occupy Wall Street protests, I can’t help but admit that I think this footage of cops using night sticks and mace on protesters (and a Fox camera crew) is pretty metal. The cop in the video has a couple home run swings in there.

I know that I’m supposed to be all, “Oh, shame on the cops, excessive force, et cetera,” but my pea-sized brain simply enjoys watching people getting beaten with clubs. It’s a soothing sound to me amid the cacophony of a protest. Whump, whump, whump. I just wish it was Wall Street finance guys getting hit like that instead of reporters.

[BuzzFeed]

This is supposedly footage of a reporter struggling to file a story from a G.O.P. party back in the ’80s, and while I can’t vouch for the veracity of that premise, I did take immense delight in the reporter’s growing frustration at the noise and people surrounding him. It’s like a precursor of Bill O’Reilly’s famous “We’ll do it live!” outburst, but with a snazzy beard like Dr. Benton Quest. More news people need to have beards besides Wolf Blitzer. Maybe Anderson Cooper should get one — er, grow one. Put those rumors to rest. You know, the rumors that he can’t grow a beard.

[BuzzFeed]

I have a confession to make: I am obsessed with stupid criminals. They’re like my favorite thing ever. You’ve all heard the stories — some bank robber wrote the threatening note on the back of a check with his address on the front, someone stopped for gas a mile from the robbery and was immediately caught, two guys handcuffed together foil their own escape by running into a light pole, etc. Well everyone hold your horses because HOLY CRAP this guy tried to rob a store dressed as Gumby. Yeah. I KNOW.

I’ve posted the video after the jump, and you should really check it out if only for the sheer ridiculousness of the whole thing, but the quick version is that this guy (and there is a 1 million percent chance it was a guy) walked in with his sidekick, told the clerk it was a robbery, and when the clerk justifiably laughed at him, reached for his pocket as though he had a weapon. Unfortunately for him, giant foam suits are fairly restrictive, so in the process of reaching for what may have been a weapon, he instead dropped 26 cents from his pocket on the floor. Then he left. Dressed as Gumby. After not only not robbing the store, but also leaving his own money behind. He’s like Dillinger if Dillinger was an incompetent plushie.

Look, I’m generally anti-armed robbery. But I swear to God if this leads to bunch of copycat crimes where dipsh-t brosephs dress up as goofy cartoon characters and fumble their way through failed robberies, I am in. All the way in. Hell, I may rent a helicopter and try to rob an art gallery as Launchpad McQuack. Carpe diem, right?

Holy crap, this CNN report about a house infested with bees will make your skin crawl. There are so many bees that the reporter has to wear a beekeeping suit. The bees go so deep inside the house’s walls that the exterminator guesses that the nest has been growing for TEN YEARS. And I think me and Nic Cage speak for everyone when we say, “NOT THE BEES!!!”

THEY'RE IN MY HOUSE! MY HOUSE!!!! RAAARRRGGH!!!!

[BuzzFeed]

Unfortunately for me, Hurricane Irene didn’t destroy my apartment, so I have to work today. But at least I had a better time this weekend than Tucker Barnes, who gave a live report from the Ocean City, Maryland seawall while being sprayed with “sea foam” that was probably at least partly raw sewage. “It has a sandy consistency,” reports Barnes at one point. Important journalism. This should happen to everyone named Tucker.

[via BuzzFeed]