As if Nigella Lawson oohing and ahhing over food wasn’t already sexy enough, this mash-up turns her words into blatant sex talk. I’m not kidding: if you harbor any kind of attraction to Nigella, this video is extremely erotic. Although maybe you should take my opinion with a grain of salt, as I’m unnaturally turned on by food metaphors. It probably has something to do with me using sausage casings as condoms when I have sex with ice cream cakes.

[BuzzFeed]

Top Chef (Bravo) — Nigella Lawson is the guest judge. This week’s challenge is making breakfast in bed for Nigella and Padma Lakshmi, and I think I just came. There’s no way the show can live up to what I’ve already imagined.

Glee (Fox) — It’s back after its World Series hiatus. Speaking of which, I saw an adorable little girl chanting, “Mets drool, Yankees rule! Mets drool, Yankees rule!” today in my neighborhood. Pretty cute for evil demon spawn.

South Park (Comedy Central) — Not much to say here, except that Trey Parker and Matt Stone deserve props for a terrific season so far. It’s great to see the show keep its edge.

CSI:NY (CBS) — Part 2 of the crossover trilogy. Hooray for sweeps week.

Flowers Uncut with Jeff Leathem (TLC) — A reality show about “rock n’ roll florist” Jeff Leathem. That has to be the single gayest nickname/title I’ve ever seen. And I mean both kinds of gay. Homosexual and stupid.

Secret Girlfriend (Comedy Central) — Season finale. I hate to admit it, but I find this show kind of watchable. Like, I’m not going to DVR it, and I’m not saying that it’s good, but if it’s on it holds my attention. And you should know that my attention span is it cold in here, or is it just me?

43rd Annual Country Music Awards (ABC) — Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood host. There’s a long list of performers that includes Underwood, Taylor Swift, Kid Rock, Kenny Chesney, Dave Matthews, Daughtry, and a bunch of other white people I haven’t heard of.