Jerry Lewis, the 85-year-old comedian who’s famous for things your parents might have seen, will not host the Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon this year, and the MDA issued a press release announcing that he was no longer the organization’s chairman.

Just last week Lewis told reporters as he promoted “Method to the Madness of Jerry Lewis,” an Encore documentary about the legendary star, not to believe everything that had been reported, when asked if he was definitely out of hosting the MDA Telethon. [Access Hollywood]

On one hand, I want to handle this gently, because the MDA is a good cause and Lewis worked hard for it for so many years, and now he’s minutes away from dying (probably).

On the other hand, who gives a sh*t. Telethons started losing their relevance when the remote control got invented. The fact that the MDA is still relying on one when people have the internet and a couple hundred cable channels should tell you how well the organization is navigating the 21st century. Oh, they got rid of the 85-year-old host? Great job. Maybe in another 20 years they can tell me what the year 2011 is like.

In most cases, old people are useless. They’re grumpy and they smell weird and they move slowly and they’re confused by anything made after 1980. They’re using up our precious resources without contributing to society, and we should really look into using them as an alternate energy source. (Seriously, in twenty years, my statements will be taken seriously and I’ll be seen as a visionary.)

The rare exception is the old person who simply does not give a fck. These are the old people I admire, and the man in this video is one such maverick. He simply rolls up on a live TV interview and starts making animal noises. And then, having made his point, he walks off like a total boss. That’s the kind of old man I want to be: drinking at 10 a.m., wandering around the streets and meowing at people. Assuming I don’t get burned for fuel first.

[via BuzzFeed]

This is a local news story about how an 82-year-old Memphis woman was saved by her pizza delivery driver when the octogenarian stopped making her daily order of a large pizza and two Diet Cokes for the first time in three years. Apparently, she had fallen and was unable to move or call for help, and the delivery woman’s 911 call saved her life.

In a related story, HOLY SH*T EATING NOTHING BUT PIZZA AND SODA FOR THREE YEARS AS AN 80-YEAR-OLD DIDN’T KILL HER?!?!? That woman is the Charlie Sheen of junk food.

"Let this be a lesson to recycle regularly."

[DListed via Videogum]

Sad news for people who like watching confused old people on TV: Regis Philbin will retire from broadcasting later this year. Philbin, 79, will leave “Live with Regis and Kelly” after hosting the show for 28 years.

“I don’t want to alarm anybody … but this will be my last year on the show,” he said. “There is a time that everything must come to an end for certain people on camera, especially certain old people.” Philbin said his last show could be toward the end of the summer or into the fall, but nothing has been decided. [EW]

Man… first Larry King, now Regis. Our daily dose of televised old cranks is almost gone. All we have now is the weekly installment of Andy Rooney decrying how fast everything moves (“In my day, people enjoyed strolling!”). I’m sure glad I’m going to be young and handsome forever.

Andy Rooney caught wind of the report that claims three-fourths of Americans will be obese by the year 2020, and he had something to say about it. Nothing that made any sense, but he had something to say. Specifically, he’s going to lose 20 pounds by Halloween. That’s 20 pounds in three weeks. Watch the more-rambling-than-usual video below.

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