Survivor (CBS) — (Season premiere) I watch two reality shows: “Survivor” and “Top Chef.” Every year, I think that I’ll finally lose interest in “Survivor,” and every year, I continue to watch. The gimmicks are the worst — and this year, the two tribes are separated into male and female tribes and will live together on the same beach — and practically every iteration of the game has been played half a dozen times. But I’ll keep watching. I can’t help myself. There’s a dwarf on this season, how can I not?

The Middle/Suburgatory/Modern Family/Happy Endings (ABC) — Tonight’s episode of “Happy Endings,” which will center on Max’s relationship with Grant, was directed by Kyle Newacheck, creator and star of “Workaholics.” He also directed an episode of “Community.” That’s the kind of hard-hitting information you won’t find on other TV blogs.

Only in American with Larry the Cable Guy (History) — Fun Fact: “Whitney” is also on Wednesday nights, Whitney Houston died last Saturday, and Larry the Cable Guy’s real name is Daniel Whitney. Did I just blow your mind? No? OK, here’s Larry the Cable Guy’s real voice, maybe that’ll do the trick.

Top Chef (Bravo) — (SPOILER) They eliminated Ed last week. There’s no point in watching anymore. He may have been the best contestant in the show’s history, and he was eliminated by freakin’ Pee Wee Herman.

Oprah’s Oscar Special (OWN) — I know that Oprah has her own network now, but I couldn’t even tell you if I had that station. Has anyone stumbled upon it? What else does it show besides Oprah’s talk show? Drew Carey reruns?

LATE NIGHT GUESTS — JON STEWART IS ON LETTERMAN. JON STEWART IS ON LETTERMAN. JON STEWART IS ON LETTERMAN. Ahem. It’s funny; the only time you ever see Stewart suck up to anyone, it’s on Dave. It’s kind of cute. Leno counters with Bill Maher (ha!), Kimmel has Miley Cyrus, Ferguson hosts Jon Cryer, and Carson Daly has Deadmau5. I have no idea who Deadmau5 is. Can’t wait.

Last night during the Grammys, Oprah took to Twitter to beg her followers to switch to her fledgling network, OWN. The since deleted tweet read, “Every 1 who can please turn to OWN especially if u have a Neilsen box.” Putting aside the fact that a billionaire television mogul apparently doesn’t know how to spell the name of the idiotic group that records television ratings, the tweet was also bad form because, apparently, begging for Nielsen viewers is a big no-no.

As Deadline noted, networks are not allowed to specifically target Nielsen subscribers. It’s policy prohibits “attempts to single out panel members … to change their viewing habits.”

“In accordance with our policies and procedures, Nielsen is reviewing this incident with our clients and we may withhold, breakout and/or make a note in the ratings,” a Nielsen rep told EW.com. “We take any violation of our policy seriously and will work with clients to resolve the situation.” [EW]

“Oh. Okay,” said Oprah, while lounging in a platinum bathtub filled to the brim with diamonds that were harvested from her personal mine by talk show hosts she’s vanquished over the years, and slowly being fed grapes and fanned by a diverse team of zoo animals that have been trained — at great personal expense to her — to do these kinds of things. “I’m very sorry for my mistake.” She then fired off a series of angry emails, each more forceful than the last, instructing her team of lawyers to do things like “Buy Neilsens” and “Declare OWN #1 People’s Most Important Network” and “Kill Donahue.” When she was done, she threw her phone into a fountain of champagne and retired for the day. Ruling an empire is exhausting. Her eminence needs rest.

That jovial, rednecked fellow you see above is not Larry the Cable Guy; it’s an impersonator who “not only looks like Larry the Cable Guy, he has captured the entertainer’s voice and mannerisms, as well.” Any well-known celebrity from Roseanne to Larry David can be impersonated by dozens of actors and actresses online, and then hired by you, for only hundreds of dollars! Win-win. So, the next time you need someone to entertain your corporate event or gathering, why not give Fake Alan Alda or Terrifying Sarah Jessica Parker a shot?

Here are some of my favorite TV impersonators. And if you decide to hire Black-and-White Tim Allen, tell ‘em Warming Glow sent you and they’ll throw in a Wilson for free!

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This video has apparently been online for a year, but I just saw it for the first time on FilmDrunk this morning, and it absolutely made my day. I always thought that Oprah sounded like a braying animal, and now I have the video to validate it. True fact: both this goat and Oprah can chew through a tin can.

Anyway, this is a really talented goat. It also sings as well as Usher:

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On “Parks and Recreation,” the indomitable Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) has only one worthy foe: his second ex-wife, Tammy (played by real-life wife Megan Mullally). Swanson’s first wife, also named Tammy, has been talked about but never shown. Now that Season 4 is being written, there’s talk of who will play the terrifying Tammy One — and Offerman wants Oprah for the role.

“We’re going to find out who Ron’s first ex-wife Tammy is, and I’m excited to find out why Tammy Two is scared sh*tless of Tammy,” Offerman teased in a conversation with The Huffington Post. “We’re trying to start a campaign to get Oprah to play Tammy One. I think Oprah would be the only, she’s the only person we can think of that might be intimidating to Megan Mullally. It would be so good.”

“There’s all kinds of ideas being thrown around. I can assure you if it’s not Oprah, I will quit,” he deadpanned. [HuffPo]

I’m obviously not an Oprah fan, but I do like it when she plays a bitchier or meaner role (like her guest spot on “30 Rock”), because it feels more natural than “YOU GET A CAR! AND YOU GET A CAR! AND YOU! AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU!” I might even like Oprah if I saw more of her mean streak. So go ahead, Opes: throw hot coffee on your assistant and push an annoying child down an elevator shaft. You can play it off as “preparing for a role.”