ABC is all reruns again tonight, so unless you’re into “Top Chef,” you’re screwed if you’re looking for good television during prime time.

American Idol (Fox) — Jim Carrey’s daughter is a contestant this season. Even if you didn’t know it was Jim Carrey’s daugther, after one look at her teeth, you’d know it was Jim Carrey’s daughter (video after the jump, if you’re interested)

Whitney/Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) — Serious question: I only watched the dreadfully unfunny pilot of “Are You There, Chelsea?” Did it get any better? Because I no longer believe “Community’s” return hinges on its cancellation. I think NBC is going to burn through new episodes of “Parks and Recreation” and run “Community” in its place come April.

Top Chef (Bravo) — There’s a strange bicycle competition in tonight’s episode. I don’t know what that has got to do with cooking, but for the love of God, don’t look at Padma.

The Exes (TV Land) — I kept meaning to get around to watching an episode, if only because of my love for Donald Faison. Alas, this is the first season finale, so it looks like I’m too late. It’s probably best; I wouldn’t want to tarnish my fondness for him. Here’s the Turk Dance, anyway.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Howard Stern is on Letterman to help him celebrate 30 years on late night; Daniel Radcliffe is on Leno; John Krasinski does Kimmel; The Shat will sit with Craig Ferguson; Tracy Morgan — who hates his mother — will be on Fallon; and Brad F***ing Pitt will be on “The Daily Show.”

It’s been a fairly disappointing season of “Top Chef” this year, thanks in part to the contract that the show signed with the state of Texas which requires that the show make everything Texas-themed in exchange for filming there. But I continue to watch because it is consistently the most well-cast cooking show on television, the food challenges are usually interesting, and because Padma Lakshmi is the hottest reality show host on television. I’m only human.

However, according to a diner at one of the tapings for an episode of “Top Chef,” Lakshmi doesn’t like to be looked at or talked to by we mere humans.

We were also given some basic directions:
Don’t look directly into the camera
Don’t look directly at Padma
Don’t talk to Padma.

And what was the scene like when Padma entered?

She finally walked in. Actually, I should say she floated in on clouds in her cream-colored blouse and shorts combo with sky-high espadrille wedges. Were those pantyhose on her legs in this searing heat? Nope, must have been her naturally glowing skin. She towered over the rest of her judge companions: Tom, Emeril, Kat Cora and Dana Cowin.

You could tell from Padma’s expression that she was not adapting well to the Texas summer. She looked like she might melt as her assistants touched up her makeup and cooled her neck down with wet rags. But as soon as the cameras went on, her scowl disappeared. (She’s clearly done this before.)

Look: What do you expect? Padma is not paid to hang with the flunkies. She floats in, looks pretty for the camera, takes a few bites, turns away from the camera, spits them out, and goes back to her life of insufferable affluence. She and Gwyneth Paltrow probably hang out, get high on the raspberry farts of Saudi oilmen, and have pillow fights in actual clouds, deigning on occasion to grace the masses with their presence, allowing us to gaze upon them briefly, but never directly. The stares of the middle-class blemish their skin. She was once married to a Pulitzer prize winning author who had a Fatwa placed on him, damnit. Why should she have to suffer the gazes of plebes?

Of course, it won’t stop me from watching. I could look at her peripherally all g*ddamn day.

Source: Serious Eats via News for TV Majors

Survivor (CBS) — What is wrong with these people? Did they not see last season? When Boston Rob won? Anybody who had a lick of sense would’ve taken the first opportunity to vote off the returning players, Ozzie and Coach. Now, they’ve let Coach — a mentally compromised man — run the show, and Ozzie is in an even better position on Redemption Island.

Psych (USA) — Jason Priestley and Tony (Buster) Hale guest star in tonight’s fall season finale, and apparently, midway through the episode, someone drops a bombshell. Three guesses: Shawn asks Juliet to marry him; Juliet says she’s pregnant; or Gus finally admits he’s in love with Shawn.

I Hate My Teenage Daugther (Fox) — But not as much as I hate this show.

The Soup: If this didn’t satiate your Joel McHale fix, then a new episode of “The Soup” ought to quench it. I’m pretty sure he won’t take his shirt off, though. But he might ride a unicorn while wearing a Rainbow Brite outfit.

Top Chef: I love “Top Chef.” It’s probably my favorite reality show, but this season there’s TOO MUCH Texas. Stop it with the chili and the steaks. If I wanted to watch someone make chili or steak, I’d tell my wife to get in the kitchen. And then she’d either laugh at me or kick my ass, depending on her mood.

The Funniest Commercials of the Year (TBS) — You could sit through 20 minutes of commercials to watch an hour long show about commercials, or you could just read this post, which contains the same commercials without the commercial interruptions.

It may surprise you to learn that “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi actually used to be a supermodel, given that you were likely only interested in her for her opinions on food and the deft way she tells contestants about their cooking challenges. Her unassuming grace and competence probably prevented you from noticing, say, her flawless skin or dramatic cheekbones or cascades of dark hair or bountiful Indian bosom.

Well, Padma’s back on the modeling wagon with a new boxing-themed photo shoot for Danskin. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that “Top Chef” needs to do a lot more boxing-themed episodes. Maybe even a boxing season. Rename the show “Top Boxer.” And instead of contestants doing challenges it’s just Padma jumping rope and sparring and finishing every episode with a long, hot shower. How am I not a TV executive yet?

Click through for pictures.

(images via)

Top Chef (Bravo) — Season finale. It’s down to loudmouth jackass Mike and the neurotic but deserving Richard. Since every reality show from “The Bachelor” to “American Idol” seems to screw up the champion, Mike will probably win. But the real winner in my heart will be the memory of Padma Lakshmi in a bikini.

Coal (Spike) — Series premiere. The producers of “Deadliest Catch” and “Ice Road Truckers” turn their blue-collar focus to West Virginia coal mining (a real growth industry, I’m sure). Frankly, if you want to watch some coal mining on TV, I recommend…

Justified (FX) — Tonight’s episode is generating a huge buzz among critics who’ve caught screenings of it. Raylan comes to the rescue of a coal executive who gets tangled up with the Bennett clan. Watch a preview below, and read an interview with Margo Martindale (Mags Bennett) here.

Web Soup (G4) — Season premiere. Man, it’s gotta suck to be Chris Hardwick. He came along and started doing “Web Soup,” then Daniel Tosh started doing his job better on a channel that people actually watch.

The Ultimate Fighter (Spike) — Season premiere. Welterweights with an eye on a UFC contract get guidance from heavyweight coaches Brock Lesnar and Junior Dos Santos. Lesnar’s advice to his disciples: “Try being more gigantic.”

Real Sports (HBO) — Surprise! NCAA football is completely corrupt. Try not to have a heart attack from this revelatory report.

“Top Chef All Stars” took the final four contestants to the Bahamas for last night’s episode (S8E14, “Island Fever”), and Padma Lakshmi did the world a favor by showing up in a bikini to explain the cooking challenge, which could have been anything because I didn’t hear a word she said. I would’ve been screwed if I were one of the chefs. “Wait, what did she say? All I got from that was a craving for fish tacos.”

You know, this is further proof that Bravo is being run by gay dudes. There is absolutely no good reason for Padma — who’s 40 years old and gave birth to a child last year, by the way — to be fully clothed on TV every week. Why hasn’t Bravo made a “No Reservations”-style show where Padma goes to tropical locations for sumptuous meals every week? I would DVR the sh*t out of that. And watch it in slo-mo. Twice.

The first episode of “Top Chef All Stars” aired last night, and in honor of the event TV Guide put host Padma Lakshmi on the cover. Right after they lightened her skin. Because Indian people are so threatening. Popeater says:

It appears that Lakshmi, the Indian-born host of ‘Top Chef,’ has had her skin color digitally lightened. The radiant host and food writer is hailed for her jaw-dropping beauty, so it comes as a surprise TV Guide would retouch her image so excessively.

PopEater’s photo team is crying foul. Lakshmi’s glow has been replaced by a chalky and unsettling skin tone. It’s heartbreaking to think TV Guide would alter the image of Lakshmi, a role model not only for South Asian women, but for everyone who doesn’t fit Hollywood’s rail-thin, Caucasian mold.

I wouldn’t call it “heartbreaking,” exactly. Disappointing or upsetting, sure. But I reserve “heartbreaking” for things that genuinely affect my emotions, like family members dying or Ella the Rottweiler or every time McDonald’s cancels the McRib.

Top Chef (Bravo) — Season finale. The final four are Kevin, Ed, Angelo, and Fatty McGee. I haven’t watched this season, but the favorites seem to win seem to be Ed or Angelo. Whatevs, man. Just gimme more slo-mo shots of Padma eating. (Followed by the series premiere of Gail Simmons’s “Top Chef: Just Desserts.”)

Outlaw (NBC) — Series premiere. In this series executive produced by Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Smits plays a Supreme Court judge, playboy, and gambler who quits his post when he becomes disenchanted with the law. So is it any good? “Smits is a fully glazed, overcooked ham.” “It’s a silly, implausible conceit.” “I can imagine no conceivable rationale in the known universe to turn on Outlaw.” Right-o.

Survivor: Nicaragua (CBS) — Season premiere. Damn you, Jimmy Johnson! Why couldn’t you have just told me who the final three are!

Dark Blue (TNT) — Season finale. I make fun of TNT for making some truly crappy cop shows, but this one is actually pretty good. And I’m not just saying that because I want to get on Tricia Helfer’s good side.

The Ultimate Fighter (Spike) — Season premiere. Hey look, a reality show where the winners often actually succeed! This season’s coaches are Josh Koscheck and French-Canadian man-god Georges St-Pierre.

Big Brother 12 (CBS) — Season finale. In a terrible twist of fate that I find positively delightful, ousted “Brother” contestant Britney’s house burned down, but she doesn’t know yet because she’s sequestered until tonight’s finale.

America’s Got Talent (NBC) — Season finale. I have no idea who the finalists are, and I couldn’t possibly care less. Please note the correct negative form of the phrase; people who say “I could care less” are inbred mongoloids.

Top Chef (Bravo) — Meh, wake me up when there are about nine contestants left. Or whenever Padma’s on-screen. Anyway, tonight’s culinary challenge is to make a healthy school lunch for kids. Ugh, stupid unsexy kids.

Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC) — It’s on at 10:30 Eastern tonight for a Twilight special that features all the dreamy cream-puff homos and semi-attractive women who star in the new movie. Man, I f*ckin’ hate teenagers.

Dog the Bounty Hunter (A&E) — Ooh, it’s a special two-part episode because it’s Dog and Beth’s anniversary. I’m sure the mulleted bounty hunter star of a reality television show has something EXTRA romantic planned.

Hot in Cleveland (TV Land) — I’d give this a watch if I had any idea where TV Land is in my cable directory. Do I even get that channel? Let me check. Wait — on second thought, I don’t care.

Harp Dreams (PBS) — It’s like that riveting documentary Hoop Dreams, except about white kids and really lame.

MythBusters: Car Conundrum (Discovery) — Don’t be fooled by the title; it’s just a regular episode of MythBusters where they work with cars. You know, all those car myths. Like the haunted railroad tracks outside Collinsville that will pull your car back onto them if you leave the gearshift in neutral. Anyone? Anyone else go to high school in southern Illinois?

Half Pint Brawlers (Spike) — The wrestling dwarves go to the Southern Pride Festival, where one of them wants to jump his motorcycle over an alligator. I’m dead serious.

“Top Chef” returned to Bravo to kick off it seventh season last night, and it’ll have to be awfully good to be exceed Season 6, even though Kevin totally got hosed. But there’s already a lot to like about the new season:

1. The first person kicked off was some disgusting hippie with dredlocks down to his ass. You see that, white people with dreds? EVERYONE HATES YOUR UNHYGIENIC FILTHY IDIOT HAIR.
2. Host Padma Lakshmi is still enjoying the bounties of recent motherhood. If you know what I’m saying. I mean she really fills out a dress. She just has a certain glow about her… tits.
3. Useless catchphrase-spewing twat Toby Young has been replaced by actual chef Eric Ripert. But forget Ripert’s qualifications: you could put a Golden Retriever in a space suit and it would provide better commentary than the malignant Young, a man so bad at everything he does that the only reason he’s had any success at all is that he recognizes how loathsome he is. Die in a fire, Toby.
4. Former “Bachelor” Andrew Baldwin said this as an insult to someone’s food: “I wouldn’t serve that to my kids.” As if his children are barn animals he keeps in a pen outside. God, I hope that’s true. That would be awesome.

But the main point was #2. Yowza. I think Padma’s breasts are why this season is in D.C. — she’s spending a lot of time at the Department of the Interior, getting those protected as a national monument. I imagine there’s a lot of paperwork to get through.