“Top Chef All Stars” took the final four contestants to the Bahamas for last night’s episode (S8E14, “Island Fever”), and Padma Lakshmi did the world a favor by showing up in a bikini to explain the cooking challenge, which could have been anything because I didn’t hear a word she said. I would’ve been screwed if I were one of the chefs. “Wait, what did she say? All I got from that was a craving for fish tacos.”

You know, this is further proof that Bravo is being run by gay dudes. There is absolutely no good reason for Padma — who’s 40 years old and gave birth to a child last year, by the way — to be fully clothed on TV every week. Why hasn’t Bravo made a “No Reservations”-style show where Padma goes to tropical locations for sumptuous meals every week? I would DVR the sh*t out of that. And watch it in slo-mo. Twice.

The first episode of “Top Chef All Stars” aired last night, and in honor of the event TV Guide put host Padma Lakshmi on the cover. Right after they lightened her skin. Because Indian people are so threatening. Popeater says:

It appears that Lakshmi, the Indian-born host of ‘Top Chef,’ has had her skin color digitally lightened. The radiant host and food writer is hailed for her jaw-dropping beauty, so it comes as a surprise TV Guide would retouch her image so excessively.

PopEater’s photo team is crying foul. Lakshmi’s glow has been replaced by a chalky and unsettling skin tone. It’s heartbreaking to think TV Guide would alter the image of Lakshmi, a role model not only for South Asian women, but for everyone who doesn’t fit Hollywood’s rail-thin, Caucasian mold.

I wouldn’t call it “heartbreaking,” exactly. Disappointing or upsetting, sure. But I reserve “heartbreaking” for things that genuinely affect my emotions, like family members dying or Ella the Rottweiler or every time McDonald’s cancels the McRib.

Top Chef (Bravo) — Season finale. The final four are Kevin, Ed, Angelo, and Fatty McGee. I haven’t watched this season, but the favorites seem to win seem to be Ed or Angelo. Whatevs, man. Just gimme more slo-mo shots of Padma eating. (Followed by the series premiere of Gail Simmons’s “Top Chef: Just Desserts.”)

Outlaw (NBC) — Series premiere. In this series executive produced by Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Smits plays a Supreme Court judge, playboy, and gambler who quits his post when he becomes disenchanted with the law. So is it any good? “Smits is a fully glazed, overcooked ham.” “It’s a silly, implausible conceit.” “I can imagine no conceivable rationale in the known universe to turn on Outlaw.” Right-o.

Survivor: Nicaragua (CBS) — Season premiere. Damn you, Jimmy Johnson! Why couldn’t you have just told me who the final three are!

Dark Blue (TNT) — Season finale. I make fun of TNT for making some truly crappy cop shows, but this one is actually pretty good. And I’m not just saying that because I want to get on Tricia Helfer’s good side.

The Ultimate Fighter (Spike) — Season premiere. Hey look, a reality show where the winners often actually succeed! This season’s coaches are Josh Koscheck and French-Canadian man-god Georges St-Pierre.

Big Brother 12 (CBS) — Season finale. In a terrible twist of fate that I find positively delightful, ousted “Brother” contestant Britney’s house burned down, but she doesn’t know yet because she’s sequestered until tonight’s finale.

America’s Got Talent (NBC) — Season finale. I have no idea who the finalists are, and I couldn’t possibly care less. Please note the correct negative form of the phrase; people who say “I could care less” are inbred mongoloids.

Top Chef (Bravo) — Meh, wake me up when there are about nine contestants left. Or whenever Padma’s on-screen. Anyway, tonight’s culinary challenge is to make a healthy school lunch for kids. Ugh, stupid unsexy kids.

Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC) — It’s on at 10:30 Eastern tonight for a Twilight special that features all the dreamy cream-puff homos and semi-attractive women who star in the new movie. Man, I f*ckin’ hate teenagers.

Dog the Bounty Hunter (A&E) — Ooh, it’s a special two-part episode because it’s Dog and Beth’s anniversary. I’m sure the mulleted bounty hunter star of a reality television show has something EXTRA romantic planned.

Hot in Cleveland (TV Land) — I’d give this a watch if I had any idea where TV Land is in my cable directory. Do I even get that channel? Let me check. Wait — on second thought, I don’t care.

Harp Dreams (PBS) — It’s like that riveting documentary Hoop Dreams, except about white kids and really lame.

MythBusters: Car Conundrum (Discovery) — Don’t be fooled by the title; it’s just a regular episode of MythBusters where they work with cars. You know, all those car myths. Like the haunted railroad tracks outside Collinsville that will pull your car back onto them if you leave the gearshift in neutral. Anyone? Anyone else go to high school in southern Illinois?

Half Pint Brawlers (Spike) — The wrestling dwarves go to the Southern Pride Festival, where one of them wants to jump his motorcycle over an alligator. I’m dead serious.

“Top Chef” returned to Bravo to kick off it seventh season last night, and it’ll have to be awfully good to be exceed Season 6, even though Kevin totally got hosed. But there’s already a lot to like about the new season:

1. The first person kicked off was some disgusting hippie with dredlocks down to his ass. You see that, white people with dreds? EVERYONE HATES YOUR UNHYGIENIC FILTHY IDIOT HAIR.
2. Host Padma Lakshmi is still enjoying the bounties of recent motherhood. If you know what I’m saying. I mean she really fills out a dress. She just has a certain glow about her… tits.
3. Useless catchphrase-spewing twat Toby Young has been replaced by actual chef Eric Ripert. But forget Ripert’s qualifications: you could put a Golden Retriever in a space suit and it would provide better commentary than the malignant Young, a man so bad at everything he does that the only reason he’s had any success at all is that he recognizes how loathsome he is. Die in a fire, Toby.
4. Former “Bachelor” Andrew Baldwin said this as an insult to someone’s food: “I wouldn’t serve that to my kids.” As if his children are barn animals he keeps in a pen outside. God, I hope that’s true. That would be awesome.

But the main point was #2. Yowza. I think Padma’s breasts are why this season is in D.C. — she’s spending a lot of time at the Department of the Interior, getting those protected as a national monument. I imagine there’s a lot of paperwork to get through.