Outta the way, Colicchio! You're making the Washington Monument soft!

Top Chef (Bravo) — Season premiere. Eric Ripert joins the panel of judges as the show heads to D.C. so Padma Lakshmi can raise the average attractiveness in our nation’s fug-ass capital.

Mythbusters (Discovery) — It’s a two-hour countdown of the show’s Top 25 moments. Wow, people who work in TV can be just as creatively lazy as bloggers. Pretty impressive.

Man v. Food (Travel) — Yahoo: “Adam Richman… heads to San Diego where he attempts to take down a huge omelet made from a dozen eggs smothered in cheese and chili, with two biscuits and a huge pile of home fries on the side.” That son of a bitch is going to The Broken Yolk. Crap, now I wanna be in Pacific Beach.

Hot in Cleveland (TV Land) — Series premiere. You’d think that a sitcom with Jane Leeves, Valierie Bertinelli, and Betty White would have a good chance of succeeding. And then you’d change your mind when you heard it was on TV Land.

The Fabulous Beekman Boys (Planet Green) — A docu-series about two white guys move from Manhattan to a goat farm in upstate New York. Try to guess if one of them has a hyphenated last name:

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“Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi posted this picture of herself on Twitter the other day, with the note “Capturing the last stages of whaledom.” And I guess this isn’t the most newsworthy item out there, but it’s my blog and I cover what I want, so I just want to make it very clear that I would wear that whale out. Granted, I kinda have a thing for pregnant women, but still: WOW. She is radiant. To be that pregnant and wearing a stupid top hat and STILL look that good — she should get some kind of award for that. If I were living with Padma that baby would be born with dents in its head.

25 Extreme Examples of Laziness. My familiarity with Photoshop and the puckish nature of the Internet prevents me from enjoying most of these pictures. [Holy Taco]

That mustache will molest your dreams. Meet Tom LaBrie, whose 1980s commercials for Sleep Center in Sacramento are comprised of wooden paneling, butterfly collars, and the creepiest mustache this side of suppressed childhood memories. [Urlesque]

He represents the Lollipop Guild. George Stephanopoulos will join “Good Morning America” as an anchor. He’s the most popular Greek since Dukakis! [Politico]

Coming soon: the Transformers on Sesame Street. Hasbro has acquired licensing rights to the Sesame Street franchise, so you can finally buy your illegitimate kids Big Bird action figures. [Topless Robot]

-3 Realism Points for Matthew Weiner. Somebody discovered anachronistic books in the background of a “Mad Men” episode: the first three novels of W.E.B. Griffin’s “The Corps” series, published in 1986-90. I might be upset at Weiner if I didn’t enjoy that series so much. Gotta love “Killer” McCoy and Famous Grouse scotch. [HuffPo]

‘Dollhouse’ is a television show. I don’t have any particular reason for linking to a sexy Eliza Dushku gallery. But then, I don’t have a reason not to, either. [Funtasticus]

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Top Chef (Bravo) — Season finale. In a competition between the three contestants who outperformed the competition by far throughout the season, I’ll be rooting for the fat bearded guy (Kevin) over the two Voltaggio brothers, Brian and his A-hole brother Mike. Side note: I tweeted about this last week, but Padma Lakshmi with bangs and a baby bump gave me a violent erection. My penis went out and robbed people at gunpoint after the last episode.

Glee (Fox) — Fall finale. I’m not sure what that means. I guess the show is going on hiatus for a couple months before finishing its season. By the way, if you like Jane Lynch in this show — and you should, because she’s the best part about it — you should check out Amy Phillips’s amazing Lynch impersonation in this Funny or Die video.

The Ruins (MTV) — Season finale. What is this, the 57th season of the Road Rules/Real World Challenge?

Barbara Walters Presents: The Ten Most Fascinating People of 2009 (ABC) — I got an email from “patguy” who informed me that Walters was on Letterman last night. The purpose of his message? “Huge earlobes. They look a lot like ballsacks.” So there’s that. Anyway, some of the people on this fascinating list: Kate Gosselin, Glenn Beck, Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert, Tyler Perry, Brett Favre, and Jenny Sanford, the estranged wife of South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. And not one person on that list made it for having huge tits. I’m afraid my list would be very different.

Campus PD (G4) — Series premiere. University police bust underage kids for drinking. Must be really fulfilling lives they lead.

Law & Order: SVU (NBC) — John Larroquette guest stars. I caught an episode in syndication last night where Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Elizabeth Banks played married porn stars. I support any fictional world where Elizabeth Banks is a porn star (and Ice-T is a cop).

Top Chef (Bravo) — Nigella Lawson is the guest judge. This week’s challenge is making breakfast in bed for Nigella and Padma Lakshmi, and I think I just came. There’s no way the show can live up to what I’ve already imagined.

Glee (Fox) — It’s back after its World Series hiatus. Speaking of which, I saw an adorable little girl chanting, “Mets drool, Yankees rule! Mets drool, Yankees rule!” today in my neighborhood. Pretty cute for evil demon spawn.

South Park (Comedy Central) — Not much to say here, except that Trey Parker and Matt Stone deserve props for a terrific season so far. It’s great to see the show keep its edge.

CSI:NY (CBS) — Part 2 of the crossover trilogy. Hooray for sweeps week.

Flowers Uncut with Jeff Leathem (TLC) — A reality show about “rock n’ roll florist” Jeff Leathem. That has to be the single gayest nickname/title I’ve ever seen. And I mean both kinds of gay. Homosexual and stupid.

Secret Girlfriend (Comedy Central) — Season finale. I hate to admit it, but I find this show kind of watchable. Like, I’m not going to DVR it, and I’m not saying that it’s good, but if it’s on it holds my attention. And you should know that my attention span is it cold in here, or is it just me?

43rd Annual Country Music Awards (ABC) — Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood host. There’s a long list of performers that includes Underwood, Taylor Swift, Kid Rock, Kenny Chesney, Dave Matthews, Daughtry, and a bunch of other white people I haven’t heard of.