On the set of her new reality show, “Can Dolphins Get Herpes?”

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (Bravo) — Kathy goes shopping with Paris Hilton in Los Angeles.  How many cameramen committed seppuku that day?

Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen) — Fat people dancing to lose weight.  Or as I call it, Fat people dancing to make me laugh.

The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) — Shame that it’s not “The Secret Life of the Un-American Teenager.”  I would watch a show if it made the acronym SLUT.

Weeds (Showtime) — I’m kinda burnt out from talking about this show.  (See what I did there?)

Secrets of the Founding Fathers (History) — OMG!  Ben Franklin and John Adams totally made out at independence camp last summer!

The Late Show with David Letterman (CBS) — Guests are Jessica Biel and Zach Galifianakis.  Meanwhile, Conan’s in reruns this week.

Watch out! They’re loaded with VD!

As those of you who are wasting your lives already know, Paris “City of Blights” Hilton is in the process of filming a new reality show, “Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend.”  Because, like, she already got a regular best friend?  But this will be totally different, because the girls have accents or whatever?

Anyway, in skanky news about skanks vying to be the skanky friend of the skankiest skank to ever skank, two skanks got into a fight over… something.  At this point I can’t really pretend to care.

A source tells the [UK's Sun], “The two were screaming at each other until 4.30am. They were both foaming at the mouth. Bosses had to call a psychiatrist to try to calm them.”

What, do they have a psychiatrist on hand at all times or something?

A spokesperson for the show says, “We have a psychiatrist on hand at all times.”

Oh.  Naturally.  Well then.

A good way to lose your finger

Jimmy Fallon will make his semi-anticipated debut on NBC’s “Late Night” this Monday (March 2nd) with guest Robert DeNiro and house band The Roots, but CBS has a devious plan to steal hype and viewers from the new program.  Step 1: pair Paris Hilton with Craig Ferguson.

CBS has enlisted Mr. Ferguson and Ms. Hilton to serve as hosts for its Monday night lineup on March 2, the network confirmed… Mr. Ferguson and Ms. Hilton will appear during interstitial spots throughout CBS’s Monday lineup next week, trading comic riffs and hyping upcoming shows. The two will appear to be watching TV together during the segments, which will begin just before “The Big Bang Theory” and go through “CSI: Miami.”

In addition to appearing on CBS together during prime time, Ms. Hilton and Mr. Ferguson will team up later in the evening when Ms. Hilton is a guest on Mr. Ferguson’s “Late Late Show.”

I don’t know why CBS even thinks it’s competing with other networks.  All the other networks have ceded the “Don’t believe in evolution” demographic to CBS.  It’s really mastered the art of creating bland shit that people with no taste love.  Hey, Creating Bland Shit!  That works even better than the Crimes Being Solved network.

Here’s a clip from Snoop Dogg’s new MTV show “Dogg After Dark” (more on that here) in which Snoop and Paris Hilton freestyle rap. If you can make it through all 46 seconds of this, then you have less of a gag reflex than I. Maybe even less of one than Paris. But probably not.