CBS is a hegemonic power that churns out largely uninspired programming that Americans love because they don’t have to use their brains and they’re not curious about finding better shows. I mean, “Big Brother” has had 12 seasons since 2000. So a CBS show has to be a genuinely smelly turd for it not to succeed. Say, how’d that Paula Abdul dance show do?

An official announcement has yet to be made but a source close to the situation [says] that Paula has been told that her reality show, Live To Dance will not be renewed for a second season – and the host is “devastated” by the news.

Despite a relatively strong start, Live To Dance… struggled to maintain ratings, and ultimately network brass decided it wasn’t worth investing in a second season of the talent show. “Paula kept hoping week after week that her show would pick up new viewers,” the source said. “But each week the ratings trailed off. It ended with only a little more than 4 million viewers watching the final.” [Radar]

With any luck, this will put an end to the stories speculating “WHAT’S NEXT FOR PAULA???” What’s next for Paula is the dustbin of the 1990s. Maybe she can get a reality show on HGTV with Vanilla Ice.

Since CBS’s “Live to Dance” premieres tonight, I was originally going to save the video below for tonight’s listings. But no. It has to stand on its own. It deserves the spotlight all to itself.

What you see above is the aftermath of the greatest reality TV face shot since Watermelon in the Face. No, the woman does NOT have a forehead tumor — that’s the welt she gets after slamming her face into the floor when she messes up a jump. God, I wish this would happen to EVERYONE who sought fame on reality shows.

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Paula Abdul returns to television tomorrow as a judge on CBS’s “Live to Dance” (trailer here), and in a synergistic bit of journalism, Julie Chen got the opportunity to interview Paula on CBS’s Sunday morning news. What a get!

Here you can see Paula Abdul set the record straight: she’s not stupid, she has a brain, and she’s never been drunk. According to her, she’s just goofy. And I suppose that’s possible. I’d be “goofy” too if I were on more prescription drugs than any human since Michael Jackson. Lithium’s a hell of a drug.

[BuzzFeed]

In defiance of logic, the respected professionals in the American Medical Association, and God’s clear will, Paula Abdul has another show. This trailer is for “Live to Dance,” a dance competition debuting January 4th on CBS.  Hold on.  How did no coked up executive sneak an exclamation point into that title?  It’s screaming for it!  It’s like I don’t even know you morons anymore.  Anyway, the trailer manages to display Paula in a competent, coherent light.  And good for her.  Because when the trailer opened up with the teaser, “Find out what Paula’s been up to,” I had a whole row of “Her knees in Xanax” jokes lined up, and I was really hoping to save them for 2011.

It is a little frustrating that Paula got another job, though.  This is the kind of crap that only happens in the entertainment industry.  For example, I’m in law school.  Let’s say a couple years from now, when I’m a lawyer, I just start showing up to depositions clearly under the influence of high doses of prescription medication.  Then some serious suspicion develops that I’ve been sleeping with interns 20 years my junior.  I start coming and going as I please and doing a shoddy job while my employer is paying me huge amounts of money… wait a minute.  This is starting to sound AMAZING.  That’s, like, my dream job.  And after all that, she still got another job?  Holy crap!  I should be worshiping this woman.

Jeez, and I thought I was jealous of her when she got to perform with MC Skat Kat.  Do you, Paula.  Do you.

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A year after being ousted from “American Idol” because she’s a slurring pill-addled mess, Paula Abdul has signed on to be a judge on CBS’s forthcoming “Got to Dance” (more on the show here).

Abdul will serve as the lead judge, executive producer, creative partner, mentor and coach on “Got to Dance,” a series from Shine/Reveille that’s based on a UK hit…

CBS, which announced its fall schedule last week, will likely air “Got to Dance” in midseason, raising the tantalizing possibility of Abdul’s new show competing directly against “Idol.” Next year will be the first time that “Idol” won’t have Simon Cowell…

“Dance” will mark the fourth major network to have a dance-competition series, joining ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” and Fox’s “So You Think You Can Dance,” with NBC’s “Got Talent” also having a foot in the genre. [Live Feed]

The amazing thing is that “American Idol” has sucked this year — I mean, in my opinion, it ALWAYS sucks, but people who watch it haven’t even liked it this season — which some people probably attribute to Paula’s absence. And next year, when “Idol” flounders without Cowell as viewers flock to the new “X Factor,” those people will actually think it’s because Paula’s on “Got to Dance.” Translation: go ahead and do drugs, kids! You’ll keep succeeding no matter what!

Oh, and the banner image is a still from Paula’s “Cold Hearted” video (embedded below). Wikipedia fun fact: “Cold Hearted” was released in 1989. Yep, it’s been 21 years since Paula looked like that. The song displaced Richard Marx’s “Right Here Waiting” as the #1 song on the Billboard chart. Richard Marx — now THAT’S someone I wanna see as a judge on “American Idol.” Or at least on some kind of documentary on mullet preservation.

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