Two bits of “Jersey Shore”-related spin-off news are floating around today, so let’s wipe them both out right here. First of all, JWOWW and Snooki’s new show is going to be filming in Jersey City now, because some of the bigwigs in Hoboken said the two of them would damage the city’s reputation. Damage Hoboken’s reputation? Yeesh. LOW BLOW, HOBOKEN. Seriously, that sounds like something you’d say to an alcoholic during an intervention that isn’t going well. “You’re tearing this family apart!” “I DON’T CARE!” “Well, you’re… you’re… YOU’RE GIVING HOBOKEN A BAD REPUTATION!” “[shaken to core] Oh my God. Wow. Ok, I’ll get help.”

Second of all, noted hair product aficionado Pauly D’s new show has a premiere date. It’s going to air March 29, after that new, Bieber-fied version of “Punk’d.” From The Hollywood Reporter:

The Shore spinoff will follow the Rhode Island native as he navigates the music industry, accompanying Britney Spears on her Femme Fatale tour and signing with 50 Cent’s G-Note Records. All the while, Pauly D learns to balance fame, family and the constant photo shoots, public appearances and interviews that have become a valuable part of his everyday life.

Ugh. I’ll let this GIF sum up my feelings on all this news.

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This was inevitable: MTV has greenlit two “Jersey Shore” spin-offs: one starring DJ Pauly D, the other JWoww and Snooki. And somewhere, behind the velvet rope of a nightclub’s V.I.P. section, The Situation forlornly runs his fingers down his abs as he avoids eye contact with strangers.

Both of the series will air in 2012. Details:

– Untitled Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Jenni “JWoww” Farley Project: Always inseparable and ready to get the party started at the shore, viewers will get to see how they deal with life and love when the vacation is over in this 12-episode series. The locale may be different, but the friendship is sure to remain the same.

– Untitled Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio Project: Whether it’s Seaside Heights or Miami – no one has more swagger, one-liners or a more distinctive haircut that DJ Pauly D. Set to air for 12-episodes, this series follows Pauly D’s jet-setting and often hilarious life on the road as one of the country’s most in-demand DJs. [via THR]

Neither of these sound particularly sound like my cup of tea, but then, what reality show is? (besides “Stripper Knifefight House.”) The important thing about these shows is that we’ll never have to deal with Ronnie and Sammi shrieking at each other. Ugh, they’re the worst. A Ronnie/Sammi spin-off is what plays on the televisions in hell.

The delightfully lowbrow “Jersey Shore” returned last night, with our favorite Guidos moving south from Seaside Heights down to MIA, which is Miami. (The Situation doesn’t assume you have intuitive skills, which is actually quite thoughtful of him.)

BuzzFeed has assembled the best quotes from the Season 2 premiere, but here are the moments that rounded out my top five:

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Here’s a picture of the “Jersey Shore” cast at the New York Stock Exchange yesterday, which helps explain the bull market for hair gel and Valtrex. Season 2, of course, debuts tomorrow night on MTV, and Rich at fourfour has helped me get excited for the new season by reviewing the Season 1 DVD, which has commentary from Snooki, The Situation, and Pauly D. Here are some highlights:

On Snooki’s observation that lobster is alive before you kill it:

Pauly: “Everything’s alive when you kill it.”
Snooki: “You know what I meant.”
Pauly: “I know.”

The Situation on reality: “This is just so real. Sometimes you come across jerk-offs, you know?”

The Situation on reality, Take 2: “This is for real, man. That’s reality right there.”

The Situation on reality, Take 3: “It’s life, man. Good times, bad times. It’s reality. Stuff like this happens, you know? Fights, make-ups, break-ups, you know? Stuff like that.”

Pauly on GTL: “Yo, we created that and changed the world with it.”

Oh, you delightful Guidos. I can’t wait for you to come back into my life and help make me dumber.