That depressing banner pic is from the significantly more depressing ASPCA commercial featuring Sarah McLachlan.  It’s been around for a couple years now, but my local cable provider has been straight up flooding the airwaves with this two-minute public service announcement over the past month. It’s horrible.  I challenge any of you to make it through that video without wanting to cry, kill yourself, or purchase hundreds of dollars in doggie toys out of guilt.

Look, I get it ASPCA.  There are tons of poorly treated animals out there.  And people who abuse animals should be lit on fire in a public square and sprayed with aerosol cans for hours on end.  But holy crap, cut us some slack.  I never hit an animal, so why do I have to start sniffling like freaking baby six times a day when you run this ad?  Sure donations are up, but the ends don’t justify these cutthroat means.  That’s PETA’s MO, you’re better than that.  Christ, at least PETA gives us unclothed celebrities.  You’re just giving us one-eyed dogs and Sarah McLachlan.

Warming Glow is almost undoubtedly the most animal-friendly television blog in the history of animals, television, or blogs.  I feel crappy about being Captain Sadpants with that banner pic, because it will bring a lot of you down on a Friday afternoon.  I’m terribly sorry for that.  After the jump you’ll find my apology, delivered in the only way I know how – with sexy eye candy. I hope you can forgive me.

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Here’s “Attack of the Show” host Olivia Munn’s ad for PETA in which she poses nude to convince us to boycott the circus. Hmmm, I dunno, I would have liked to see her argument fleshed out a little more, wink wink nudge nudge. What I’m saying is, if she really cared about the elephants, she’d touch her vagina for us. C’mon Olivia, don’t be a prude. Think of the elephants.

Also, I don’t mean to put critical thought into this, but wasn’t the whole point of the celebrities taking it off for PETA so they could embody the tag line “I’d rather go naked than wear fur”? So how, exactly, does being naked fit in with boycotting the circus? Maybe she should be body painted to look like a tiger and it could read “I’d rather star in my own circus than support one that enslaves elephants.” Because as much as I like the concept of Olivia naked, I just don’t associate nudity with the circus. No matter how many clowns I have sex with.

MUSLIMS VERSUS ‘SOUTH PARK’ – An Islamic group said that last week’s episode, in which the prophet Mohammed was depicted in a bear suit, would probably get Trey Parker and Matt Stone killed. That’s not a threat, of course — merely an observation they made. All of that glosses over the most interesting part: how awesome would a religion be if the prophet dressed in a bear suit? [NYT, WWTDD]

JON STEWART VERSUS FOX NEWS — Bernie Goldberg fired back at Stewart’s criticism of Fox News, which led to last night’s 12-minute breakdown on “The Daily Show.” Worth a watch if you’ve got the time. [Comedy Central]

DECEASED BEA ARTHUR IN A PETA AD — Arthur, who died a year ago this week, will appear (nude?) in a PETA ad against McDonald’s with the headline McCruelty. It’s enough to make Bea Arthur roll over in her grave. “That’s VERY clever,” said a third-grade teacher. [Media Decoder]

So, let’s see if I can hit all the wickets here… We should bomb the Middle East until it’s a parking lot; Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and Jon Stewart should be dragged into the street and shot; Comedy Central and Fox News headquarters should be firebombed without regard to civilian casualties; and I endorse the wholesale slaughter and torture of all animals. Just don’t say anything bad about Bea Arthur. THAT WOMAN WAS A SAINT.

As if PETA wasn’t already getting in the way of me enjoying things like the delicious taste of tortured animals and the exhilaration of gambling on a dogfight, now they’re trying to prevent chimpanzees from working in Hollywood. In fact, the Anjelica Huston video above is part of a PETA push that made ABC decide to not use a chimp as a guest judge on “Dancing with the Stars,” which, let’s face it, would have been awesome.

PETA cited concerns about how great apes are separated from their mothers, beaten and shocked in training, and discarded once they become too large to handle safely [much like Michael Jackson - Ed.]…

["DWTS" exec producer Conrad] Green e-mailed PETA to say that he would re-cut Tuesday night’s segment and remove the chimpanzee and he vowed that he will never again use chimpanzees in his productions…

Green aired the segment sans chimp -– having replaced the chimp with a toddler. [LA Times]

I dunno. Toddlers aren’t nearly as funny apes, but I guess I’m okay with it. As long as the toddler was removed from his mother and beaten and shocked during training.

Big-time star Audrina Patridge took time out of her busy schedule yesterday to break out her finest strapless catsuit and unveil her new PETA billboard in Los Angeles.  And for a second I thought that it was the first PETA ad that I didn’t find in some way objectionable.  Usually they’re all, “I’d rather watch my parents die than wear fur,” but this one is just promoting the adoption of pets from animal shelters.  And I’m cool with that.  Or at least I was until I caught the words at the bottom:

BUYING ANIMALS
MEANS KILLING ANIMALS

Why’s it always gotta be about killing with those people?  So preachy.  Don’t wear fur, don’t eat meat, don’t bet $10,000 on illegal dog fights, don’t taser cats for fun, don’t throw chihuahuas like footballs, don’t shoot pigeons with paintballs, don’t go hunting at the zoo, blah blah blah.  It’s like, gosh!  Leave me alone.  It’s called an elephant gun for a reason, you know.