When “America’s Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan announced he was leaving the show to focus on his CNN gig, the biggest question on everyone’s mind was why there aren’t more babies with awesome names like Touchdown or Bazooka. Another question some people asked was who would replace Morgan at the judges table. Well, we have an answer to the latter. From NBC’s press release:

NBC announced today that Howard Stern, American radio personality, television host and author, will serve as the new judge on the top-rated summer alternative series “America’s Got Talent,” produced by FremantleMedia North America and Simon Cowell’s SYCO Television.

Stern will provide his feedback on the colorful array of hopeful future stars who are currently auditioning in major cities around the country for the show’s upcoming seventh season.

Production of the live shows of “America’s Got Talent” also will be moving to New York, where Stern will continue to helm his SiriusXM radio program.

I know Stern is a talented broadcaster, and he’ll definitely bring a dynamic quality to the show that had been absent, but he never really did it for me. Just not my style. On the other hand, a talent competition featuring Howard Stern is about 5000% more likely to produce newsworthy content than one featuring Piers Morgan, and if that means I have something to post about besides the dipsh-t parades on E! and Bravo, then great. And, who knows, maybe he’ll make fun of host Nick Cannon. I’m always in support of that.

I guess my biggest complaint is that the producers completely ignored the list of five potential replacements that I sent them. Admittedly, the list was written in crayon and just said “1) Ghostface Killah. 2-5) N/A,” but I think I made some valid points.

I’m terrible at introductions, so I won’t bother. I’ll just say this: We have a mutual love of Alison Brie’s boobs, as well as a mutual fondness for “Community” (I’ve been running a “Community” countdown elsewhere). You like “The Wire”? I commissioned this. I invented Butthole Day, and I made Christina Hendricks’ a$$ its mascot.

YOU STILL SUCK, ROWLES. BRING BACK MATT.

I know, I know. Get it all out. Turn the comments section into Veteran’s Stadium, if you’d like. It’s OK. It’ll make you feel better, and ultimately, that’s what we’re here for. But if there’s one thing I know from watching TV shows about fake politicians, it’s this: If the public hates you, don’t try to change their perception, direct their hatred somewhere else. Like, British buffoon and all-around wanker scab, Piers Morgan. Listen, Piers: When you’re attempting to say a few heartfelt words about the passing of a beloved comedian, here’s a hint: It’s a good idea to get his gender right, you flabby-faced knob.

“It’s a sad day for comedy with the death of Patrice O’Neal, who I know that you knew,” Piers Morgan said to his guest, Dane Cook. “She died of a stroke today. I want to take a quick look at Patrice on Jimmy Fallon, to remind everyone just how funny she was.”

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Howard Stern was on Piers Morgan’s not-Larry King show last night, and Stern shared some shocking opinions about Jay Leno that would have been extremely timely 12 or 13 months ago.

He’s not fit to scrub David Letterman’s feet. I don’t know why he’s beaten David Letterman in the ratings. It’s beyond my comprehension. America must be filled with morons, who at night lay in bed, the ones that are watching him must be in a coma…

[on Conan] If I was Jay Leno, I would’ve manned up. I would’ve said, “Listen. Conan, you think you’re so good? I’m gonna go to Fox network, or I’m gonna go to ABC, and I’m gonna put my show on, and I’m gonna kick your ass. THAT’S what a man does. You don’t sort of weasel your way back in.”

I don’t like Jay personally. Jay was one of the greatest stand-up comics, in my opinion, when he was younger. But I do not like the way he’s behaved with me personally. I’ve done his show many times in the past; I won’t do it again.

I mean, yeah. I agree with Stern, but it just seems like piling on at this point. C’mon dude, just put some Penthouse Pets on the Sybian (link is NSFW video).

Larry King retired back in June, and ever since then the most-rumored name to replace him was “America’s Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan. Today, in news I can barely muster the energy to write about, Morgan was officially named King’s successor.

Morgan, a veteran journalist who hosts a popular interview program in Britain, will do a similar show for CNN. His selection as King’s replacement had been widely expected for the past few months.

Take the phrase “veteran journalist” with the largest possible grain of salt. Piers Morgan is a journalist in the same way that pond scum is “nature.” Let’s look at his highlights from being editor of the UK’s Daily Mirror:

In 2000, he was the subject of an investigation after [it was revealed] that he had bought £20,000 worth of shares in the computer company Viglen soon before the Mirror‘s ‘City Slickers’ column tipped Viglen as a good buy. Morgan was found by the Press Complaints Commission to have breached the Code of Conduct on financial journalism, but kept his job…

Morgan was fired from the Mirror on 14 May 2004 after authorising the newspaper’s publication of photographs allegedly showing Iraqi prisoners being abused by British Army soldiers from the Queen’s Lancashire Regiment. Within days the photographs were shown to be crude fakes. [Wikipedia]

But hey, he won “The Celebrity Apprentice.” In America, winning a reality show cancels out two decades of slipshod yellow journalism.

Larry King announced his retirement last night, stepping down as the host of CNN’s “Larry King Live,” the show he has helmed for 25 years. It comes as a shock and disappointment to many in the industry who made bets that he would die first.

“Larry King Live,” the centerpiece of the CNN prime-time schedule, has seen its ratings drop sharply in recent years, particularly in the last six months, leading to widespread talk that Mr. King’s current contract, which will expire in June 2011, could be his last. Asked by Bill Maher, his guest on his Tuesday night show, about the speculation in the media, Mr. King said “that had nothing to do with it.” He said he approached CNN management about the change and they “graciously accepted.”

It will give “more time for my wife and I to get to the kids’ little league games,” he said on his show. Mr. King and his seventh wife, Shawn Southwick, reunited in May after having filed for divorce a month earlier. [NYT]

In case you’ve gotten King’s wives confused, Southwick is the one who filed for divorce after King allegedly slept with her sister. But in her sister’s defense, who can resist a frail, stooped septuagenarian? I smell moist panties!

Anyway, Piers Morgan, the ”America’s Got Talent” judge and meat-scented cologne model is widely rumored to be King’s replacement, which I guess is fine. It’s not like King was performing brain surgery every night. He lobbed softball questions at famous people. It’s not like CNN execs need to scrutinize candidates. “What are the British guy’s qualifications?” “Well, his first name is a plural noun.” “Works for me.”