Political commercials are terrible. It seems like every one is the same: black and white shots of the candidate’s opponent, ominous music, scary words splashed across the screen in red, and a deep-voiced announcer taking things out of context to make it sound like their opponent wants to do things like use government dollars to pay for a space program run by convicted child molesters. I hate them so very much. That’s why this commercial for Florida Republican Mark Oxner is a breath of fresh air. It is INSANE. In it, President Obama is depicted as a cartoon boat captain who enslaves children and is hell-bent on steering his vessel over a waterfall, and Oxner’s opponent (I assume) is his parrot. LITERALLY. They put his head on a parrot’s body.

I would love to have a campaign full of commercials like this. After the Republicans release this one, the Democrats could make one where the Republicans are cartoon robbers who are giving brown sacks with dollar signs on them to Wall St. fat cats (like, ACTUAL overweight felines). Then the Republicans could shoot back with one where the Democrats tie the Constitution to train tracks and twirl their mustaches as a speeding train approaches, and the Democrats could hire those Taiwanese Animation dudes to make their rebuttal and let things get REALLY weird. That would be great. It wouldn’t change my personal politics one iota, but it would be awesome mindless entertainment between reruns of “The Simpsons,” and I think that’s what really important here.

I’m pretty sure the Founding Fathers would be with me on this.

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Justified (FX) – Carla Gugino is on tonight’s episode. After the events of last week, please be advised that the Boyd Crowder Hair Threat Level has been temporarily upgraded from Unruly to Partial Electrocution. (NOTE: I have attached six more promo shots of Carla Gugino’s appearance to this post. You are all quite welcome.)

State of the Union Address (Every channel) – Presidents always invite inspirational figures or people who overcame adversity and have them sit up in the box with the First Lady. If I was president, I would put a koala in a little tiny tuxedo up there. YOUR MOVE, POLITICAL OPPONENTS.

Southland (TNT) – Tonight’s episode features a guest spot by Marla Gibbs, who played Florence on “The Jeffersons.” This is as good a reason as any to link to this video of Sherman Hemsley dancing.

Chopped (Food Network) – Four previous runners-up have to incorporate root beer schnapps and sweetbreads into their dishes. FUN FACT: I am typing this sentence while making my icky face.

White Collar (USA) – Yesterday was Tiffani Thiessen’s birthday. I can’t believe Uproxx made me work. WHAT DO WE WANT? Holidays based on the birthdays of celebrities we used to have crushes on! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Preferably by Britney Spears’ birthday in early December!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Elizabeth Banks and Ben McKenzie (Ryan from “The O.C.”) on Kimmel, and Sam Worthington and a whip-cracking champion named Adam Winrich on Conan. Everyone else is in repeats, but Tina Fey is on Letterman, and it’s the episode of Ferguson that they taped in Paris, if you’re so inclined.

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Those hoping for some more light-hearted fare from HBO are in luck. Today, the network announced it is a developing a mini-series on the affable old man whose soft-spoken genial manner and carefree folksy expressions left a nation depantsed with charm for eight whole years. That blithe spirit, of course, is former Vice President Dick Cheney.

And let me tell you, the initial description of the series doesn’t sound ominous at all.

The project — to be written by The West Wing’s Rick Cleveland — will be based on Barton Gellman’s book “Angler: The Cheney Vice Presidency” and the Frontline documentary The Dark Side, and will chart the “single-minded pursuit of enhanced power for the Presidency [that] was unprecedented in the nation’s history,” say producers.

“Also, we’re gonna have him shooting people in the face and telling everyone in Congress to eff off. We think it’ll be the definitive ‘eat sh*t, Cheney’ work to date.”

HBO executives only hope he lives long enough to choke on their bile.

A new poll was released that examines television viewing habits broken down by political affiliation.  Take it away Hollywood Reporter:

According to months of data from leading media-research company Experian Simmons, viewers who vote Republican and identify themselves as conservative are more likely than Democrats to love the biggest hits on TV. Of the top 10 broadcast shows on TV in the spring, nine were ranked more favorably by viewers who identify themselves as Republican.

I have no interest in devolving this into a political donnybrook.  You could interpret the data any number of ways to back up your argument: “Republicans are all idiots predisposed to groupthink.  Democrats clearly have taste,” or “Stupid Democratic elites looking down on America from their ivory tower.  The shows are popular because they appeal to REAL Americans!.”  Ugh.  If you honestly want to make one of those arguments, so help me God I’ll run you down in my car.  And seriously, neither party has anything to brag about.  Both lists are infested with television vermin.

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Paulino Rubio is a Mexican singer who released an album titled "Border Girl," which makes this picture relevant. Sweet, sexy relevance.

This week, FX announced plans to develop a new private eye drama centered around an illegal immigrant main character.  Deadline described the project thusly:

It is a premise that would no doubt spark controversy. FX has put in development  the first major series project centered on an illegal alien character, a drama from Changing Lanes writer Chap Taylor about an illegal Mexican immigrant working as a private investigator. TV and film director Rodrigo Garcia, born in Colombia, has come on board to direct and executive produce the project, described as “Traffic meets Chinatown.” (Ed. – Traffic meets Chinatown, eh? Well, maybe if they were better drivers…)

Then, news of the project was picked up by the conservative blog Drudge Report.  AND STUFF GOT REAL.  People compared a show centering on an illegal immigrant main character to one focusing on a pedophile or a rapist, and threatened to stage protests and boycotts of the show.  A show that has not been written or fleshed out yet.  Besides, of course, the part where they set the bar skyish high by comparing it to two critically acclaimed movies.  Sensible. (Note: I’m not trying to start a political flame war here, I’m just trying to point out the idiocy of threatening to boycott a show that hasn’t even been written yet.)

Anyway, after the Internet went all torch and pitchfork, the show’s writer stepped up to defend himself and his show, playing the military card in the process.  (*removes monocle*) I say, well played, sir.

Excerpts of his response after the jump, as well as more Paulino Rubio

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