This video (NSFW audio) is from behind-the-scenes footage of some show called “People Behaving Badly” or something. Whatever. That’s not the important part. In it, a very sassy man in an Elmo shirt gets a ticket. That is also not the important part. The important part is that WHILE getting the ticket, he repeatedly calls the cameraman fat and poor in the most delightfully mean manner possible. I love it so.

This is one of those things that extremely sassy men do better than anyone else. It’s not even close. A meatheaded dolt in this situation would have been all, “Come on, bro. You wanna go, bro? I’m serious bro. I will get out of this car and I will end you, bro,” and it would have been kinda funny I guess, but not as brutal as this. I mean, this guy breaks out the SHARP knives. Especially starting at the 1:13 mark, where he mocks the cameraman’s entire station in life by saying, “I bet you couldn’t afford [a ticket] if you got one, fatass. All you can afford is FOOD with your fat, lazy ass. That’s why you’re out here videotaping. You ain’t even on a real job. Why don’t they have you down there in Oakland filming what’s going on with all the riots and sh-t? They got your fat, lazy, non-relevant, non-factor ass out here filming highway patrol sh-t. That tells you how much you’re worth at your job.” BOOM. DAGGER.

This guy is the best. I want him and Randall from the Honey Badger video to hang out with me all the time and verbally lay waste to my enemies.

via Buzzfeed

Morgan Wilson was the runner-up on Season 1 of Bravo’s “Top Chef: Just Desserts.” Now he’s been indicted on three second-degree felony charges of possession with the intent to promote child pornography. Whoops.

Wilson, 38, was arrested on Dec. 7, 2010 — less than a month after the ‘Just Desserts’ finale episode aired — when undercover investigators received file transfers from him via Limewire on his computer in September 2010. The file transfers allegedly contained images and videos of children as young as toddlers engaged in sexual acts, according to Pegasus News…

The executive pastry chef at Dallas’ Ritz-Carlton Hotel Lobby Lounge since 2007, the hotel’s Web site just removed Wilson’s name from the site; their Director of Human Resources Jim Van Winkle had previously declined to verify Wilson’s current employment status at the hotel. [AOL via ScreenJunkies]

It’s got to be tough to keep your job after you’ve been indicted on kiddie porn charges, but at least Wilson works in a field where it might not be entirely detrimental to his reputation. “Whoa, that dude’s attracted to children — I bet he makes AWESOME desserts.”

Although I’m all for the Occupy Wall Street protests, I can’t help but admit that I think this footage of cops using night sticks and mace on protesters (and a Fox camera crew) is pretty metal. The cop in the video has a couple home run swings in there.

I know that I’m supposed to be all, “Oh, shame on the cops, excessive force, et cetera,” but my pea-sized brain simply enjoys watching people getting beaten with clubs. It’s a soothing sound to me amid the cacophony of a protest. Whump, whump, whump. I just wish it was Wall Street finance guys getting hit like that instead of reporters.

[BuzzFeed]

Oh boy, it’s time to play FLORIDA OR OHIO!!! The game where something awful happens, and it’s so creepy and terrible that it could only happen in Florida or Ohio. Today: cable installer shows up to woman’s apartment, begins masturbating.

The 24-year-old woman told sheriff’s deputies a Comcast cable installer came to her home on July 31 and exposed himself. Tuesday night, deputies said they tracked down and arrested 31-year-old Shane Wheatley for the crime.

The woman told deputies Wheatley showed up to install cable service and began touching himself through his shorts. Then, when she looked away, she says Wheatley exposed himself and began masturbating while smiling at her. [WTSP via thestir]

Personally, I would have guessed Ohio for this one, because it’s more of a “public masturbation” kind of state, and there are no alligators in this story. But the correct answer is actually Florida. Sarasota County, to be precise.

What the story leaves out is whether Wheatley ever installed the cable. Because if he did, it’s still a huge step up from Time Warner Cable. I’d rather have a masturbating Comcast guy fixing my cable than Time Warner’s bullsh*t no-show employees. Drop your pants and have it, just clean up afterwards and make sure I have HBO.

Last week, Danger Guerrero reported on the failed robbery of a San Diego 7-11 by a man in a Gumby suit. Now two 19-year-old men have surrendered to police for the crime.

Jason Kiss confessed to wearing the Gumby costume and his friend Jason Giramma admitted that he was the driver of the getaway car, police said. Based on the store’s surveillance camera, and the promise of a $1,000 reward from San Diego Crime Stoppers, tipsters identified Giramma as the driver, police said.

The two were not arrested. The case will be sent to the district attorney to decide whether it merits criminal charges or should be classified as a college-style prank.

Kiss, wearing the Gumby costume, told a clerk at a 7-Eleven store in Rancho Penasquitos on Labor Day that he was robbing the store. The clerk initially thought the statement was a joke but felt otherwise when Gumby declared that he had a gun, although no gun was seen.

The Gumby-wearer became nervous and fled with only loose change, police said. Police on Tuesday confiscated the Gumby suit (inset) as evidence. [LA Times]

I hope this serves as inspiration to the remake of Point Break. Instead of ex-presidents robbing banks, it can be guys in children’s TV show costumes knocking over convenience stores. “Watch out, it’s the Teletubby Bandits!”