This video (NSFW audio) is from behind-the-scenes footage of some show called “People Behaving Badly” or something. Whatever. That’s not the important part. In it, a very sassy man in an Elmo shirt gets a ticket. That is also not the important part. The important part is that WHILE getting the ticket, he repeatedly calls the cameraman fat and poor in the most delightfully mean manner possible. I love it so.

This is one of those things that extremely sassy men do better than anyone else. It’s not even close. A meatheaded dolt in this situation would have been all, “Come on, bro. You wanna go, bro? I’m serious bro. I will get out of this car and I will end you, bro,” and it would have been kinda funny I guess, but not as brutal as this. I mean, this guy breaks out the SHARP knives. Especially starting at the 1:13 mark, where he mocks the cameraman’s entire station in life by saying, “I bet you couldn’t afford [a ticket] if you got one, fatass. All you can afford is FOOD with your fat, lazy ass. That’s why you’re out here videotaping. You ain’t even on a real job. Why don’t they have you down there in Oakland filming what’s going on with all the riots and sh-t? They got your fat, lazy, non-relevant, non-factor ass out here filming highway patrol sh-t. That tells you how much you’re worth at your job.” BOOM. DAGGER.

This guy is the best. I want him and Randall from the Honey Badger video to hang out with me all the time and verbally lay waste to my enemies.

via Buzzfeed

Morgan Wilson was the runner-up on Season 1 of Bravo’s “Top Chef: Just Desserts.” Now he’s been indicted on three second-degree felony charges of possession with the intent to promote child pornography. Whoops.

Wilson, 38, was arrested on Dec. 7, 2010 — less than a month after the ‘Just Desserts’ finale episode aired — when undercover investigators received file transfers from him via Limewire on his computer in September 2010. The file transfers allegedly contained images and videos of children as young as toddlers engaged in sexual acts, according to Pegasus News…

The executive pastry chef at Dallas’ Ritz-Carlton Hotel Lobby Lounge since 2007, the hotel’s Web site just removed Wilson’s name from the site; their Director of Human Resources Jim Van Winkle had previously declined to verify Wilson’s current employment status at the hotel. [AOL via ScreenJunkies]

It’s got to be tough to keep your job after you’ve been indicted on kiddie porn charges, but at least Wilson works in a field where it might not be entirely detrimental to his reputation. “Whoa, that dude’s attracted to children — I bet he makes AWESOME desserts.”

Although I’m all for the Occupy Wall Street protests, I can’t help but admit that I think this footage of cops using night sticks and mace on protesters (and a Fox camera crew) is pretty metal. The cop in the video has a couple home run swings in there.

I know that I’m supposed to be all, “Oh, shame on the cops, excessive force, et cetera,” but my pea-sized brain simply enjoys watching people getting beaten with clubs. It’s a soothing sound to me amid the cacophony of a protest. Whump, whump, whump. I just wish it was Wall Street finance guys getting hit like that instead of reporters.

[BuzzFeed]

Oh boy, it’s time to play FLORIDA OR OHIO!!! The game where something awful happens, and it’s so creepy and terrible that it could only happen in Florida or Ohio. Today: cable installer shows up to woman’s apartment, begins masturbating.

The 24-year-old woman told sheriff’s deputies a Comcast cable installer came to her home on July 31 and exposed himself. Tuesday night, deputies said they tracked down and arrested 31-year-old Shane Wheatley for the crime.

The woman told deputies Wheatley showed up to install cable service and began touching himself through his shorts. Then, when she looked away, she says Wheatley exposed himself and began masturbating while smiling at her. [WTSP via thestir]

Personally, I would have guessed Ohio for this one, because it’s more of a “public masturbation” kind of state, and there are no alligators in this story. But the correct answer is actually Florida. Sarasota County, to be precise.

What the story leaves out is whether Wheatley ever installed the cable. Because if he did, it’s still a huge step up from Time Warner Cable. I’d rather have a masturbating Comcast guy fixing my cable than Time Warner’s bullsh*t no-show employees. Drop your pants and have it, just clean up afterwards and make sure I have HBO.

Last week, Danger Guerrero reported on the failed robbery of a San Diego 7-11 by a man in a Gumby suit. Now two 19-year-old men have surrendered to police for the crime.

Jason Kiss confessed to wearing the Gumby costume and his friend Jason Giramma admitted that he was the driver of the getaway car, police said. Based on the store’s surveillance camera, and the promise of a $1,000 reward from San Diego Crime Stoppers, tipsters identified Giramma as the driver, police said.

The two were not arrested. The case will be sent to the district attorney to decide whether it merits criminal charges or should be classified as a college-style prank.

Kiss, wearing the Gumby costume, told a clerk at a 7-Eleven store in Rancho Penasquitos on Labor Day that he was robbing the store. The clerk initially thought the statement was a joke but felt otherwise when Gumby declared that he had a gun, although no gun was seen.

The Gumby-wearer became nervous and fled with only loose change, police said. Police on Tuesday confiscated the Gumby suit (inset) as evidence. [LA Times]

I hope this serves as inspiration to the remake of Point Break. Instead of ex-presidents robbing banks, it can be guys in children’s TV show costumes knocking over convenience stores. “Watch out, it’s the Teletubby Bandits!”

I have a confession to make: I am obsessed with stupid criminals. They’re like my favorite thing ever. You’ve all heard the stories — some bank robber wrote the threatening note on the back of a check with his address on the front, someone stopped for gas a mile from the robbery and was immediately caught, two guys handcuffed together foil their own escape by running into a light pole, etc. Well everyone hold your horses because HOLY CRAP this guy tried to rob a store dressed as Gumby. Yeah. I KNOW.

I’ve posted the video after the jump, and you should really check it out if only for the sheer ridiculousness of the whole thing, but the quick version is that this guy (and there is a 1 million percent chance it was a guy) walked in with his sidekick, told the clerk it was a robbery, and when the clerk justifiably laughed at him, reached for his pocket as though he had a weapon. Unfortunately for him, giant foam suits are fairly restrictive, so in the process of reaching for what may have been a weapon, he instead dropped 26 cents from his pocket on the floor. Then he left. Dressed as Gumby. After not only not robbing the store, but also leaving his own money behind. He’s like Dillinger if Dillinger was an incompetent plushie.

Look, I’m generally anti-armed robbery. But I swear to God if this leads to bunch of copycat crimes where dipsh-t brosephs dress up as goofy cartoon characters and fumble their way through failed robberies, I am in. All the way in. Hell, I may rent a helicopter and try to rob an art gallery as Launchpad McQuack. Carpe diem, right?

“Breaking Bad” is an excellent television show about a chemistry teacher who gets into drug-dealing world of methamphetamine. “Sons of Anarchy” is a badass show about a gun-running outlaw motorcycle gang in California. Put those two together and you get the true story of Stephen “Skinz” Kinzey, a professor of kinesiology at Cal State San Bernardino who allegedly also runs a chapter of the Devil’s Diciples, a motorcycle gang that spells poorly and runs a meth operation.

Authorities arrested nine suspected mid- and street-level dealers involved in the drug ring shortly after raiding Kinzey’s home, where they allegedly found more than a pound of methamphetamine, rifles, handguns, body armor, leather biker vests and other biker paraphernalia.

Kinzey remains a fugitive and is considered armed and dangerous, officials said.

During the Aug. 26 raid, detectives arrested Kinzey’s live-in girlfriend, Holly V. Robinson, 33, a 2005 Cal State San Bernardino graduate, on suspicion of distributing methamphetamine. She is accused of being Kinzey’s “business partner” in the drug operation and has been released on bail. [LA Times via TV Tattle]

I understand that this is a real story of serious crime, but all I can think about now is a “Breaking Bad” and “Sons of Anarchy” crossover. Let’s get Walter White to trade in that Pontiac Aztek for a Harley. He takes a road trip into California, befriends the Sons of Anarchy, and they go down to New Mexico to settle some scores for Walt. I wouldn’t just watch that show, I would never be not watching it.

Back in March, Felicia Pearson, the actress best known for playing Snoop on “The Wire,” was one of 64 people arrested and charged in a massive Baltimore drug sting that echoed Seasons 1 and 3 of the acclaimed HBO show. Now, according to her attorney, Pearson is set to plead guilty to a charge of conspiracy to distribute heroin.

The 31-year-old actress is scheduled to plead guilty Monday to conspiracy to distribute heroin, a misdemeanor. Her trial was set to begin Tuesday…

Attorney Benjamin Sutley says Pearson wanted closure in the matter. Sutley expects Pearson to receive probation and says he will ask the judge to allow her to travel out of the state to pursue her acting career. [Baltimore Sun]

Before going in for sentencing, Pearson is expected to ask Sutley, “How my hair look?”

Yikes: on Saturday night, the Canadian version of “Cash Cab” finished up a night of shooting by hitting and killing a 61-year-old pedestrian.

The show had finished filming for the night and a producer was driving the mock yellow cab back to a storage area when the accident occurred, the show’s production company, Castlewood Productions Inc., told The Vancouver Sun.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with the victim and his friends and his family. My heart also goes out to the driver of the vehicle, a member of our technical staff, who is shaken and devastated by this tragic accident, as is our entire team,” the company’s president, Andrew Burnstein, told The Sun. [NY Daily News]

No charges have been filed, but if that producer drinks on the job half as much as I do, she’s in serious trouble. And yeah, I’m assuming the producer was a woman. Whether or not that’s true, I stand by the logic that helped me jump to that conclusion. JOURNALISM!

As I mentioned in yesterday’s listings, a man on “Repo Games” — the game show where indebted contestants try to prevent their cars from being repossessed — grew angry at the trucks blocking his driveway and pulled a gun. What I didn’t realize is that he actually fired shots at the crew, and the incident was subsequently aired.

The Repo Games host remembered the moment the suspect [Carlos Barron] came out. He said: “All of a sudden this dude stepped back like 5 or 6 feet, (and) pulls out a gun!”

The cast, crew and contestants were seen running for their lives when they realized the suspect was armed, and firing several shots.

North Las Vegas Police said when they tried to contact Barron, he barricaded himself inside a home. Officers said after a two hour standoff Barron left a rear window, and tried to run. He was taken into custody with the help of a K-9 dog. [Fox 5 Vegas]

There’s a newscast video below that has a clip of the incident, and there are some excellent details to be savored, such as a neighbor named Sleep Kennard and the name of the street where the shooting occurred: Vigilante Court. “You know, when I moved to Vigilante Court, I never thought that a gun owner would take matters into his own hands like that. That’s the whole reason I moved away from Violent Lunatic Avenue.”