PREFACE: This is not a political post. Not really, anyway.

TRUE STORY: The other day, a much older gentleman asked me what television news shows I watch, and I explained to him that I don’t watch any of them. He then proceeded to chastise me for being a lousy citizen before I could inform him that I don’t watch television news because I get most of my news coverage on the Internet (save for “The Daily Show”). He didn’t quite understand that because he’s still rocking an AOL account, and he’s a Newt Gingrich supporter, so he’s probably a little soft in the brain anyhow.

Truth be told, I don’t like television news because they yell a lot, and if I wanted someone to yell at me, I’d post something on WarmingGlow that made our readers miss Matt. Television news contains very little substance, and even the opinion is obscured by the volume. Frankly, it’s boring. I listen to NPR in the morning, and the rest of the day I stay informed through the Associated Press app on my phone and The New York Times, because I’m a pinko commie liberal hippy.

According to the Pew Research Center, I’m not alone, as fewer and fewer people turn to television news to stay informed.

Only 69% of adults turned to the tube first for election news last month, the lowest percentage in at least 20 years, according to the weekly surveys taken for the Pew Research Center’s News Interest Index. The latest figure is down from 72% four years ago, 78% in 2004, and 86% in 2000. Broadcasters are seeing the biggest losses. Just 32% of adults cited local TV news as their primary source for election news, down from 40% four years ago. The national nightly newscasts were down to 26% from 32%. Cable news channels held relatively steady at 36%, down from 38%. As you might imagine, a lot of people now are turning to the Internet for their political news fix. It passed newspapers to become the No. 2 source of election news, with 34% turning first to the Web vs 26% in the 2008 campaign and 13%.

I’m actually surprised that 32 percent of people use local news to stay informed because local news is garbage in every single region of the country. It’s basically good for one thing, and that’s embarrassing verbal gaffes, like this one:

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¿Derp?

After four East Haven, CT police officers were arrested due to alleged anti-Latino bias, the town’s mayor, Joseph Maturo Jr., attempted to decrease tensions by explaining to a news channel that he’s, like, totally cool with Latinos. “What are you doing for the Latino community today?” WPIX reporter Mario Diaz asked. Maturo’s response, “I might have tacos when I go home. I’m not quite sure yet.” He should have just praised his gardener and moved on.

Needless to say, Maturo’s Michael Scott-like comments pissed a lot of people off, and he’s since apologized for his “off-collar” remarks, blaming “the stress of the situation get[ting] the best of me.” You know what always helps me to relax? A nice Beefy Crunch Burrito from Taco Bell, and there are two within five miles of East Haven! And Mayor, you have nothing to worry about: only white people work at Taco Bell.

In other news: two female porn stars are running against one another to become the mayor of Taranto, Italy, and will have a pole-dancing event next month, “where local voters will be able to discuss the major issues,” according to Business Insider. America BLOWS.

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L to R: White guy, white guy, white lady, white guy, white guy, white lady, white guy

I don’t have much of a tolerance for political coverage on cable news. If I wanted to hear people speculate and yell at each other, I would just go hang out outside The Deb at my local mall and eavesdrop on all the hot gossip. (At least then I’d be near a Cinnabon.) But one thing I DO have a high tolerance for is bonkers television spinning out of control right in front of my eyes, and on a night that featured the premiere of “Work It,” the wives of Gary Busey and Ted Haggard swapping places, and the most Leno lineup of guests imaginable, CNN took home the blue ribbon in that category in a landslide.

A quick primer: The numbers coming in live from last night’s Iowa Caucus weren’t quite definitive, so CNN tried to contact local Iowa GOP officials to clear it up. What they got were two spunky ladies named Edith Pfeffer and Carolyn Talett. From Mediaite:

Talett explained that she had “received a call at about 12:20 from state central committee asking if I knew how to get a hold of someone from 2-2.” This made her call Pfeffer, who didn’t answer her phone, so Talett “came to Edith’s home and pounded on her door and got her up.” After getting her up, CNN called.

Their phone calls with CNN (yes, calls, with an “S,” implying more than one) were an absolute absurd delight. At one point John King said something about the numbers not being right, and one of the ladies exclaimed “WHADDAYA MEAN THE NUMBERS DON’T MATCH?” like King was her backtalking grandson. This is what we need, America — sleepy old ladies holding the media’s feet to the fire. It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.

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TV's most controversial show

Here are some sweeping political generalizations I made, based on a recently released survey, conducted by Experian-Simmons and published on EW.com, on what shows “Liberal Democrats” and “Conservative Republicans” love and hate:

Democrats love: Sarcasm (“30 Rock”), New Orleans and/or white guilt (“Treme”), alcohol (“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” “Cougar Town”), gays (“Glee,” “Modern Family”), nudity (“Shameless”), and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” “The Colbert Report”). Also, funny things (“Parks and Recreation,” “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson,” “Raising Hope”).

Democrats hate: Swamps (“Swamp Loggers,” “Swamp People,” “River Monsters”) ghosts (“Ghost Hunters,” “Ghost Adventures”), teen pregnancy (“The Secret Life of the American Teenager”), Drew Carey (“The Price is Right”), and catching bad guys (“Dog the Bounty Hunter,” “COPS”).

Republicans love: When life re-sets itself every week (“Hawaii Five-0,” “NCIS”), swamps (“Swamp Loggers,” “Swamp People,” “River Monsters”), romance based on a lie (“The Bachelor”), Larry the Cable Guy (“Only In America with Larry the Cable Guy”), Nathan Fillion (“Castle”), antique collecting (“American Pickers”), and jokes that begin with “This is in the news” (“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”).

Republicans hate: Marijuana (“Weeds”), exposing hypocrisy (“South Park”), divorce (“Divorce Court”), gossip and/or water bottles (“TMZ”), zombies (“The Walking Dead”), cancer (“The Big C”), people who take the law into their own hands when it’s not filmed with a shaky camera (“Dexter”), and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “The Colbert Report”).

Full list below.

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I don’t give a rat’s ass about this story, but it’s been all over the news cycle and I can’t ignore it any more. So here goes.

• On Monday, Ol’ Crazy Eyes Michele Bachmann was a guest on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”
• For her entrance, the Roots played a Fishbone song called “Lyin’ Ass Bitch.” (video)
• Fallon apologized on Twitter, but has still been criticized for the song, which was The Roots played without the knowledge of “Late Night” staff.
• Roots drummer ?uestlove, who tipped off viewers to the song’s title with hints on Twitter, said that the song was intended to be tongue-in-cheek.
• Bachmann hasn’t gotten an official apology from NBC, so of course she took the opportunity to be politically divisive: “If that song had been played for Michelle Obama, I have no doubt that NBC would have apologized to her.”

If there’s a lesson here, it’s that politicians are the absolute worst late-night guests. Why bother getting embroiled in a mess like this when there are so many dogs that can do entertaining tricks? Hell, the dogs don’t even have to do tricks. I’d rather watch Jimmy Fallon pet a golden retriever for five minutes than watch him try to be interested in what Bachmann’s saying. This story blows goats.