PREFACE: This is not a political post. Not really, anyway.

TRUE STORY: The other day, a much older gentleman asked me what television news shows I watch, and I explained to him that I don’t watch any of them. He then proceeded to chastise me for being a lousy citizen before I could inform him that I don’t watch television news because I get most of my news coverage on the Internet (save for “The Daily Show”). He didn’t quite understand that because he’s still rocking an AOL account, and he’s a Newt Gingrich supporter, so he’s probably a little soft in the brain anyhow.

Truth be told, I don’t like television news because they yell a lot, and if I wanted someone to yell at me, I’d post something on WarmingGlow that made our readers miss Matt. Television news contains very little substance, and even the opinion is obscured by the volume. Frankly, it’s boring. I listen to NPR in the morning, and the rest of the day I stay informed through the Associated Press app on my phone and The New York Times, because I’m a pinko commie liberal hippy.

According to the Pew Research Center, I’m not alone, as fewer and fewer people turn to television news to stay informed.

Only 69% of adults turned to the tube first for election news last month, the lowest percentage in at least 20 years, according to the weekly surveys taken for the Pew Research Center’s News Interest Index. The latest figure is down from 72% four years ago, 78% in 2004, and 86% in 2000. Broadcasters are seeing the biggest losses. Just 32% of adults cited local TV news as their primary source for election news, down from 40% four years ago. The national nightly newscasts were down to 26% from 32%. Cable news channels held relatively steady at 36%, down from 38%. As you might imagine, a lot of people now are turning to the Internet for their political news fix. It passed newspapers to become the No. 2 source of election news, with 34% turning first to the Web vs 26% in the 2008 campaign and 13%.

I’m actually surprised that 32 percent of people use local news to stay informed because local news is garbage in every single region of the country. It’s basically good for one thing, and that’s embarrassing verbal gaffes, like this one:

Or the best one in recent memory:

Of course, even local news is better than Fox News and MSNBC. If I wanted to watch petulant children scream at each other, I’d hang out in more playgrounds … I mean … er … you know what I mean.

DISCUSSION QUESTION: Where do you folks get the majority of your political news?

¿Derp?

After four East Haven, CT police officers were arrested due to alleged anti-Latino bias, the town’s mayor, Joseph Maturo Jr., attempted to decrease tensions by explaining to a news channel that he’s, like, totally cool with Latinos. “What are you doing for the Latino community today?” WPIX reporter Mario Diaz asked. Maturo’s response, “I might have tacos when I go home. I’m not quite sure yet.” He should have just praised his gardener and moved on.

Needless to say, Maturo’s Michael Scott-like comments pissed a lot of people off, and he’s since apologized for his “off-collar” remarks, blaming “the stress of the situation get[ting] the best of me.” You know what always helps me to relax? A nice Beefy Crunch Burrito from Taco Bell, and there are two within five miles of East Haven! And Mayor, you have nothing to worry about: only white people work at Taco Bell.

In other news: two female porn stars are running against one another to become the mayor of Taranto, Italy, and will have a pole-dancing event next month, “where local voters will be able to discuss the major issues,” according to Business Insider. America BLOWS.

L to R: White guy, white guy, white lady, white guy, white guy, white lady, white guy

I don’t have much of a tolerance for political coverage on cable news. If I wanted to hear people speculate and yell at each other, I would just go hang out outside The Deb at my local mall and eavesdrop on all the hot gossip. (At least then I’d be near a Cinnabon.) But one thing I DO have a high tolerance for is bonkers television spinning out of control right in front of my eyes, and on a night that featured the premiere of “Work It,” the wives of Gary Busey and Ted Haggard swapping places, and the most Leno lineup of guests imaginable, CNN took home the blue ribbon in that category in a landslide.

A quick primer: The numbers coming in live from last night’s Iowa Caucus weren’t quite definitive, so CNN tried to contact local Iowa GOP officials to clear it up. What they got were two spunky ladies named Edith Pfeffer and Carolyn Talett. From Mediaite:

Talett explained that she had “received a call at about 12:20 from state central committee asking if I knew how to get a hold of someone from 2-2.” This made her call Pfeffer, who didn’t answer her phone, so Talett “came to Edith’s home and pounded on her door and got her up.” After getting her up, CNN called.

Their phone calls with CNN (yes, calls, with an “S,” implying more than one) were an absolute absurd delight. At one point John King said something about the numbers not being right, and one of the ladies exclaimed “WHADDAYA MEAN THE NUMBERS DON’T MATCH?” like King was her backtalking grandson. This is what we need, America — sleepy old ladies holding the media’s feet to the fire. It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.

TV's most controversial show

Here are some sweeping political generalizations I made, based on a recently released survey, conducted by Experian-Simmons and published on EW.com, on what shows “Liberal Democrats” and “Conservative Republicans” love and hate:

Democrats love: Sarcasm (“30 Rock”), New Orleans and/or white guilt (“Treme”), alcohol (“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” “Cougar Town”), gays (“Glee,” “Modern Family”), nudity (“Shameless”), and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” “The Colbert Report”). Also, funny things (“Parks and Recreation,” “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson,” “Raising Hope”).

Democrats hate: Swamps (“Swamp Loggers,” “Swamp People,” “River Monsters”) ghosts (“Ghost Hunters,” “Ghost Adventures”), teen pregnancy (“The Secret Life of the American Teenager”), Drew Carey (“The Price is Right”), and catching bad guys (“Dog the Bounty Hunter,” “COPS”).

Republicans love: When life re-sets itself every week (“Hawaii Five-0,” “NCIS”), swamps (“Swamp Loggers,” “Swamp People,” “River Monsters”), romance based on a lie (“The Bachelor”), Larry the Cable Guy (“Only In America with Larry the Cable Guy”), Nathan Fillion (“Castle”), antique collecting (“American Pickers”), and jokes that begin with “This is in the news” (“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”).

Republicans hate: Marijuana (“Weeds”), exposing hypocrisy (“South Park”), divorce (“Divorce Court”), gossip and/or water bottles (“TMZ”), zombies (“The Walking Dead”), cancer (“The Big C”), people who take the law into their own hands when it’s not filmed with a shaky camera (“Dexter”), and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “The Colbert Report”).

Full list below.

LIBERAL DEMOCRAT FAVORITES
–”The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” (Comedy Central)
–”The Colbert Report” (Comedy Central)
–”30 Rock” (NBC)
–”Parks & Recreation” (NBC)
–”The View” (ABC)
–”Glee” (Fox)
–”Modern Family” (ABC)
–”It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” (FX)
–”Treme” (HBO)
–”Cougar Town” (ABC)
–”The Late Show with David Letterman” (CBS)
–”The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” (CBS)
Also: “The Soup” (E!), “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” (Adult Swim), “Raising Hope” (Fox), “Saturday Night Live” (NBC), “The Office” (NBC), “Project Runway” (Lifetime), “Shameless” (Showtime), “Parenthood” (NBC), “Conan” (TBS).

CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN FAVORITES
–“Swamp Loggers” (Discovery)
–“Top Shot” (History)
–“The Bachelor” (ABC)
–“Castle” (ABC)
–“Mythbusters” (Discovery)
–“Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy” (History)
–“American Pickers” (History)
–“Swamp People” (History)
–“The Middle” (ABC)
–“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” (NBC)
–“The Biggest Loser” (NBC)
–“Hawaii Five-0” (CBS)
Also: “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC), “Man vs. Wild” (Discovery), “Auction Kings” (Discovery), “NCIS” (CBS), “The Mentalist” (CBS).

LIBERAL DEMOCRAT LEAST FAVORITES
–“Swamp Loggers” (Discovery)
–“Dog the Bounty Hunter” (A&E)
–“COPS” (Syndication)
–“The Ultimate Fighter” (Spike TV)
–“The Price Is Right” (CBS)
–“CSI: Miami” (CBS)
–“Kitchen Nightmares” (Fox)
–“Secret Life of the American Teenager” (ABC Family)
–“Ghost Hunters” (Syfy)
–“Ghost Adventures” (Travel Channel)
Also: “Operation Repo” (TruTV), “Swamp People” (History), “Hardcore Pawn” (TruTV), “River Monsters” (Animal Planet), “Deadliest Catch” (Discovery), “Only In America With Larry the Cable Guy” (History), “Storm Chasers” (Discovery), “Billy the Exterminator” (A&E), “Deal or No Deal” (GSN), “Forensic Files” (TruTV).

CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN LEAST FAVORITES
–“Weeds” (Showtime)
–“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
–“The Colbert Report” (Comedy Central)
–“South Park” (Comedy Central)
–“TMZ” (syndication)
–“General Hospital” (ABC)
–“Family Guy” (Fox)
–“Dexter” (Showtime): Again, that anti-hero thing…
–“Jersey Shore” (MTV)
–“The Walking Dead” (AMC): Really? But it’s about the Apocalypse!
Also: “Divorce Court” (Syndication), “The Big C” (Showtime), “Let’s Make a Deal” (CBS), “Bridezillas” (WE), “My Fair Wedding with David Tutera” (WE)

I don’t give a rat’s ass about this story, but it’s been all over the news cycle and I can’t ignore it any more. So here goes.

• On Monday, Ol’ Crazy Eyes Michele Bachmann was a guest on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”
• For her entrance, the Roots played a Fishbone song called “Lyin’ Ass Bitch.” (video)
• Fallon apologized on Twitter, but has still been criticized for the song, which was The Roots played without the knowledge of “Late Night” staff.
• Roots drummer ?uestlove, who tipped off viewers to the song’s title with hints on Twitter, said that the song was intended to be tongue-in-cheek.
• Bachmann hasn’t gotten an official apology from NBC, so of course she took the opportunity to be politically divisive: “If that song had been played for Michelle Obama, I have no doubt that NBC would have apologized to her.”

If there’s a lesson here, it’s that politicians are the absolute worst late-night guests. Why bother getting embroiled in a mess like this when there are so many dogs that can do entertaining tricks? Hell, the dogs don’t even have to do tricks. I’d rather watch Jimmy Fallon pet a golden retriever for five minutes than watch him try to be interested in what Bachmann’s saying. This story blows goats.

I’m sorry to divert attention away from meaningless TV news, but there’s something very real that threatens the way we use the internet. For me, it threatens my ability to make a livelihood — my very existence. Two bills that Congress is incredibly close to passing – the PROTECT-IP Act and the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) — will grant corporations the unprecedented ability to censor the internet and crush web start-ups. Blogs and social media as you know them will end, and during a time when the economy needs all the help it can get, it could crush any small business that so much as allows a link to a copyrighted work.

Listen, I don’t want to go into the legalese because I can barely comprehend that something so world-shaking is actually real, but you can watch the video above and read more about it at Uproxx, BoingBoing, Lifehacker, and The Daily What. In addition, Tumblr has facilitated a way for you to get more information about the act, and will even directly connect you to your congressman or congresswoman.

If you read this site with any regularity, you know that I hate talking about politics. This isn’t about whether you’re on the right or left, it’s about basic rights that corporations want to take away from citizens. In the words of Waylon Smithers, it’s unconscionably fiendish. Don’t let the government do this.

In case you missed the 247th Republican presidential debate last night, Rick Perry placed his campaign on a Viking funeral pyre, lit the tinder, and then flung the whole thing over the horizon with a trebuchet the size of the Chrysler Building. His college transcript makes a lot more sense to me now.

[BuzzFeed]

Herman Cain’s infamous campaign ad has already been widely parodied for Mark Block’s long, non-sequitur drag on a cigarette, but nothing’s as good as this new spoof: a woman’s allegations of Cain’s sexual harassment are interspersed with Cain’s creepy slow smile. It’s done in incredibly poor taste, so naturally I think it’s hilarious.

Man, women haven’t complained about a Republican groping them like this since Arnold Schwarzenegger ran for governor. Herman Cain is like the black Schwarzenegger. Or as the Germans say, Schwarzeschwarzenegger. Um, please don’t make any other variations on that joke (unless it’s the Herman-ator).

[BuzzFeed]

Yesterday I posted the baffling Hermain Cain ad that featured chief of staff Mark Block taking a drag from a cigarette and Cain breaking into a slow, creepy smile. It was obviously ripe for parody, and late-night hosts went after it with gusto. Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, and Stephen Colbert all created similar spoofs of the commercial. (I’m sure Jay Leno will tackle it some time early next year.)

Not only have I embedded the videos below, but I’ve also ranked them because I enjoy stirring up pointless discussion. For further reading on this matter, please see my defining work in the genre, EMILY > ZOOEY.

THIRD PLACE: Letterman

SECOND PLACE: Conan

FIRST PLACE: Colbert

The slow smile competition at the end seals it. If you don’t want to watch the entire video, at least watch the final minute so you can see Colbert’s smile more slowly than Cain.

In what may be the most baffling political ad I’ve ever seen, Hermain Cain’s Chief of Staff Mark Block reaches out to the critical “smoke vote” with this new campaign commercial.

“I’m just a simple man. I like affordable pizza, tax breaks for the wealthy, and the cool, refreshing taste of Camel Lights. That’s why I’m voting for Herman Cain.”