Charlie Sheen went to the emergency room yesterday for what’s being reported as a hernia. Of course, going to the E.R. for a hernia isn’t a big news story unless, say, you’ve spent the previous 36 hours doing a briefcase of cocaine and critiquing pornography with porn stars. Let’s recap:

We’re told Sheen had several people inside his home during the 36-hour span that started Tuesday night — including 2 porn stars [Melanie Rios and Kacey Jordan - Ed.], a business associate, and several other women. After hours of drinking, we’re told a person showed up to the house with a designer “briefcase” — that contained multiple “bricks” of cocaine. We’re told Sheen immediately began doing the drug for several hours. [TMZ]

Sources who were present at Charlie’s house during his 36-hour party tell us … Charlie pulled out a small green pipe and started smoking cocaine continuously … for hours.

There are many wild details, but we’re told eventually Charlie ended up in his theater room with one of the porn stars with whom he was partying. They watched 3 hours of porn, as Charlie critiqued the action on the screen.

We’re told Charlie, who fancies himself as a porn connoisseur, was questioning his companion about angles and body shots. We’re told the porn star was “surprised” by the depth of Charlie’s knowledge. [TMZ]

Someone yesterday got upset that I was hoping for Sheen to die. Really? Twenty years of doing mountains of cocaine and being violent to women, and I’m the bad guy for wishing he would die? You know, at this point I think the burden of proof for people NOT wishing he’d die falls on Charlie.

p.s. CBS stock dropped almost three points when news of Sheen’s hospitalization broke. Maybe that will wake up the CBS execs who keep supporting him.

Everything you ever love will be destroyed. Your parents, your dog, your childhood home: everything dies, everything rots and crumbles to dust. So, too, will every happy memory of “The Simpsons” be tainted when you watch this trailer for the “Simpsons” porn parody (below). It’s hard to pinpoint the most sickening factor, but the unearthly yellow tint to the actors’ skin is definitely up there, along with Evan Stone’s McBain making out with a woman and James Deen’s creepily voiced Moe hooking up with Cookie Kwan.

If there’s a silver lining to this, it’s that Fox turned into a hardcore porn channel so gradually I didn’t even notice.

OH DEAR GOD UPDATE: Fleshbot has a very NSFW gallery of some of the scenes. Marge (Andy San Dimas) has blue pubes. Pornography has never turned me on less.

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Charlie Sheen spent the weekend being Charlie Sheen, which is to say he was partying in Las Vegas with three porn stars, among them Bree Olson. Sheen was supposed to be on the set of “Two and a Half Men” at 10:00 a.m. Pacific time today, but according to TMZ he didn’t check out of his hotel until 9:00 a.m.

Sheen checked out of The Palms Hotel just before 9 AM and is taking a private jet back to L.A. We’re told there will be “discussions” today with Charlie about his well-being, after going on a bender in Vegas this weekend.

Oh, “discussions,” you say? Well that should clean his act right up. Charlie Sheen just needs a good talking to, then he’ll find God and stop single-handedly supporting Colombia’s drug trade.

And OF COURSE Sheen found Bree Olson. If there was a single porn star on the planet who’d be drawn to a violently misogynistic older man, it’s Bree Olson. Her Twitter account is all the evidence you’ll ever need that little girls should be raised with a father figure. She’s so turned on by being demeaned that her porn scenes don’t even turn me on, they just make me sad. And it takes a LOT for me to say that.

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As far as I can tell, nobody watches “Entourage” for the acting or writing or plot. All of the male characters are despicable jackasses, and 95% of the female characters are there to look sexy and get used by the men. That makes the show a relatively accurate depiction of Los Angeles, and it also lends to the most common reason I hear for watching the show: “Dude, hot naked chicks.”

That’s what makes the music video/commercial for “Entourage” on Spike kind of brilliant, in its own way (watch it below). It features the actresses who were used for their bodies singing about how the show used them for their bodies. It’s actually pretty savvy of Spike to embrace and celebrate the only reason people watch the show, even though the bare essentials (so to speak) of those reasons have been edited from the basic cable version.

Before you watch the video, be warned: the song is terrible, and white women haven’t gotten any better at rapping since the Spice Girls. However, just like “Entourage,” people can praise the presence of hot chicks, a porn star, and Gary Busey. But unlike “Entourage,” Vince and Turtle and Drama are almost completely edited out, so it’s actually kind of watchable.

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Hustler has created yet another porn parody (SFW trailer below), with this one called “This Ain’t The Bachelor XXX” (the extra X’s are for seXXX). And I’m being completely serious when I say this looks way more interesting than “The Bachelor,” and not just because the chicks are cool enough to get naked on-camera. Frankly, I find female porn stars — women who get filmed having sex for money — to be less depressing than women who compete for a man’s affection on TV.

Anyway, it seems kind of unfair for Hustler to have to call this a parody, because “The Bachelor” is a cheap rip-off of a porn story line. “Oh, this handsome single man has to choose a bride from 25 beautiful women. How EVER shall he narrow the field down?” *bow chicka wow wow* Up next on ABC: a reality show about a woman who orders pizza, only to get a delivery of true love.

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