Sigh, if only this was on MTV tonight, not that other show.

Jersey Shore (MTV) – Please, don’t even watch this ironically. Forgot I mentioned it. Just pretend that it’s 1991, and MTV’s airing an episode of “Yo! MTV Raps.” I expect big things from the Public Enemies.

Project Runway All Stars (Lifetime) – They used to film “Project Runway” at my college. True story.

American Stuffers (Animal Planet) – Who needs shows about living, breathing, not dead animals when you can instead watch a series about people stuffing not living, not breathing, definitely dead animals? You can’t exactly put a live squirrel on the mantle, can you?

The Vampire Diaries (The CW) – It’s not as tame as Twilight (no religious subtext), but it’s not quite as sexxxy as “True Blood” (no Deborah Ann Woll); it exists in some CW melodramatic in-between, where the vampires don’t sparkle OR orgy. What’s the point?

Hollywood’s 2012 Diet Secret Revealed, Lose 30 Plus Lbs (Bravo) – You’ll have to stay up until 4:00 a.m. to know the secret, but I bet it’s worth it. Unless the secret is: lose 30 pounds. In which case, uh duh.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Tina Fey, Jeremy Irvine, and the Barr Brothers (I imagine two brothers dressed up as Roseanne – am I right?) on Letterman; Michelle Williams, Josh Lucas, and Chris Cornell on Leno; Tracy Morgan, Chris Paul, and tUnE-yArDs on Kimmel; Tom Selleck and Daniela Ruah on Ferguson; Rachel Maddow, Fred Armisen, and Sharon Van Etten on Fallon; Mindy Kaling, Johnny Galecki, and Tom Papa on Conan; Craig Shirley on Stewart; and Steve Case on Colbert.

Here’s Tim Gunn’s contribution to the It Gets Better Project. In case you’ve been living under a rock, the rash of young gay people getting bullied and committing suicide inspired sex columnist Dan Savage to start a video campaign with a simple message for LBGT teens: it gets better. In this video, Gunn gets choked up as he talks about his own suicide attempt when he was 17, and — much to my disappointment — at no point does he chastise gay teens to “Make it work!”

Anyway, I’m not gay, and I’ve certainly gotten my fair share of lectures for calling things “gay” when I mean “stupid” or “lame,” but I can’t say enough how great this project is. Not just for gay teens, but for ALL young people who get ridiculed or bullied for being different or having an identity that goes against the rushing current of teenage groupthink. Seriously, teenagers are the WORST human beings on the planet. We have those A-holes to thank for the popularity of Twilight and Justin Bieber. I’d rather visit a retirement home than a high school.

Wow, it really DOES get better.

SNL special (NBC) — “Saturday Night Live in the 2000s: Time and Again.” It’s a behind-the-scenes look at the show, which is nice because they have never ever ever done this. Prepare for two hours of Lorne Michaels sitting down with a pencil and notepad and seeing how straight of a line he can draw. Spoiler: reasonably straight!

Fringe (Fox) — This episode’s promo blurb promises “an ironic set of circumstances.” I suppose we should expect to see Lance Reddick wearing a trucker hat and listening to Journey.

Flash Forward (ABC) — Demetri finds out when he is going to die. You know, when Walter White found out he was going to die, he started cooking meth and killing people. Meanwhile, Demitri will try to hasten his wedding plans. Neat show, you guys.

30 for 30 (ESPN) — This episode, which first aired on Tuesday, documents Allen Iverson’s infamous bowling incident that landed him in handcuffs. The cops took him to jail because he could never remember whose turn it was to bowl.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — Part 1 of the season finale. Sorry, I don’t really have anything of consequence to say about this show. I don’t like airport dramas.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — It sucks that this season was on Lifetime and outdated and irrelevant, because it’s nice to see a final trio composed completely of not-unattractive women, with nary a bitchy flamboyant gay man in sight. Pictured L-R: sexy Irina, occasionally kinda cute Carol Hannah, and she-has-her-moments Althea.

WWII in HD (History) — The final night. I’m now two nights behind thanks to illness and dabbling with a social life for one night, plus I’m going to have to shuffle some things around on my DVR to make sure this records. Why is watching TV so stressful?!?!?

The same Thursday comedies I always watch (NBC, FX) — 8-10 p.m. at NBC, 10-11 at FX. You’re either with me or against me.

CSI: Original Flavor (CBS) — There’s a murder at a bowling tournament. People go bowling in Vegas? How come every week isn’t about another dead hooker?

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) — I saw something about this going on a two-month hiatus in the middle of its season. I didn’t actually read the item because it was about “Grey’s Anatomy,” but any news about less of this show is good news.

Family Armor (TLC) — A reality show about two Texas brothers who run a business making bulletproof vehicles. TLC scores some points for moving away from its “21st century freak show” programming, but none whatsoever for “remotely interesting idea.”

Nightline (ABC) — In-depth interview with Martha Stewart in which she gets catty towards Rachael Ray. Big whoop.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — Rachel Bilson is the guest judge. I will adore her unapologetically forever and ever for being Summer on “The O.C.” Hey Rach, why don’t you ditch that zero Hayden Christensen and get with a real man? **winks, wipes Cheetoh dust off shirt**

Models of the Runway (Lifetime) — Did we really need a separate reality series about the models in “Project Runway”? Short answer: no. Long answer: no, not at all.

Disaster Lab (Discovery) — They named it after room where you were conceived. Ya burnt.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (ABC Family) — The original one with Gene Wilder. I don’t know why my parents let me watch this as a kid — the trippy part with the boat is DARK AS HELL.

College Football: South Carolina at N.C. State (ESPN) — Dude, ERIN ANDREWS! Get a screengrab of her in HD! Look, I can see her tongue! Just imagine what she can do with that!

Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC) — R. Kelly is scheduled to perform. I believe that means he’s going to sing. I hope that’s what it means.