Sigh, if only this was on MTV tonight, not that other show.

Jersey Shore (MTV) – Please, don’t even watch this ironically. Forgot I mentioned it. Just pretend that it’s 1991, and MTV’s airing an episode of “Yo! MTV Raps.” I expect big things from the Public Enemies.

Project Runway All Stars (Lifetime) – They used to film “Project Runway” at my college. True story.

American Stuffers (Animal Planet) – Who needs shows about living, breathing, not dead animals when you can instead watch a series about people stuffing not living, not breathing, definitely dead animals? You can’t exactly put a live squirrel on the mantle, can you?

The Vampire Diaries (The CW) – It’s not as tame as Twilight (no religious subtext), but it’s not quite as sexxxy as “True Blood” (no Deborah Ann Woll); it exists in some CW melodramatic in-between, where the vampires don’t sparkle OR orgy. What’s the point?

Hollywood’s 2012 Diet Secret Revealed, Lose 30 Plus Lbs (Bravo) – You’ll have to stay up until 4:00 a.m. to know the secret, but I bet it’s worth it. Unless the secret is: lose 30 pounds. In which case, uh duh.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Tina Fey, Jeremy Irvine, and the Barr Brothers (I imagine two brothers dressed up as Roseanne – am I right?) on Letterman; Michelle Williams, Josh Lucas, and Chris Cornell on Leno; Tracy Morgan, Chris Paul, and tUnE-yArDs on Kimmel; Tom Selleck and Daniela Ruah on Ferguson; Rachel Maddow, Fred Armisen, and Sharon Van Etten on Fallon; Mindy Kaling, Johnny Galecki, and Tom Papa on Conan; Craig Shirley on Stewart; and Steve Case on Colbert.

Here’s Tim Gunn’s contribution to the It Gets Better Project. In case you’ve been living under a rock, the rash of young gay people getting bullied and committing suicide inspired sex columnist Dan Savage to start a video campaign with a simple message for LBGT teens: it gets better. In this video, Gunn gets choked up as he talks about his own suicide attempt when he was 17, and — much to my disappointment — at no point does he chastise gay teens to “Make it work!”

Anyway, I’m not gay, and I’ve certainly gotten my fair share of lectures for calling things “gay” when I mean “stupid” or “lame,” but I can’t say enough how great this project is. Not just for gay teens, but for ALL young people who get ridiculed or bullied for being different or having an identity that goes against the rushing current of teenage groupthink. Seriously, teenagers are the WORST human beings on the planet. We have those A-holes to thank for the popularity of Twilight and Justin Bieber. I’d rather visit a retirement home than a high school.

Wow, it really DOES get better.

SNL special (NBC) — “Saturday Night Live in the 2000s: Time and Again.” It’s a behind-the-scenes look at the show, which is nice because they have never ever ever done this. Prepare for two hours of Lorne Michaels sitting down with a pencil and notepad and seeing how straight of a line he can draw. Spoiler: reasonably straight!

Fringe (Fox) — This episode’s promo blurb promises “an ironic set of circumstances.” I suppose we should expect to see Lance Reddick wearing a trucker hat and listening to Journey.

Flash Forward (ABC) — Demetri finds out when he is going to die. You know, when Walter White found out he was going to die, he started cooking meth and killing people. Meanwhile, Demitri will try to hasten his wedding plans. Neat show, you guys.

30 for 30 (ESPN) — This episode, which first aired on Tuesday, documents Allen Iverson’s infamous bowling incident that landed him in handcuffs. The cops took him to jail because he could never remember whose turn it was to bowl.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — Part 1 of the season finale. Sorry, I don’t really have anything of consequence to say about this show. I don’t like airport dramas.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — It sucks that this season was on Lifetime and outdated and irrelevant, because it’s nice to see a final trio composed completely of not-unattractive women, with nary a bitchy flamboyant gay man in sight. Pictured L-R: sexy Irina, occasionally kinda cute Carol Hannah, and she-has-her-moments Althea.

WWII in HD (History) — The final night. I’m now two nights behind thanks to illness and dabbling with a social life for one night, plus I’m going to have to shuffle some things around on my DVR to make sure this records. Why is watching TV so stressful?!?!?

The same Thursday comedies I always watch (NBC, FX) — 8-10 p.m. at NBC, 10-11 at FX. You’re either with me or against me.

CSI: Original Flavor (CBS) — There’s a murder at a bowling tournament. People go bowling in Vegas? How come every week isn’t about another dead hooker?

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) — I saw something about this going on a two-month hiatus in the middle of its season. I didn’t actually read the item because it was about “Grey’s Anatomy,” but any news about less of this show is good news.

Family Armor (TLC) — A reality show about two Texas brothers who run a business making bulletproof vehicles. TLC scores some points for moving away from its “21st century freak show” programming, but none whatsoever for “remotely interesting idea.”

Nightline (ABC) — In-depth interview with Martha Stewart in which she gets catty towards Rachael Ray. Big whoop.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — Rachel Bilson is the guest judge. I will adore her unapologetically forever and ever for being Summer on “The O.C.” Hey Rach, why don’t you ditch that zero Hayden Christensen and get with a real man? **winks, wipes Cheetoh dust off shirt**

Models of the Runway (Lifetime) — Did we really need a separate reality series about the models in “Project Runway”? Short answer: no. Long answer: no, not at all.

Disaster Lab (Discovery) — They named it after room where you were conceived. Ya burnt.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (ABC Family) — The original one with Gene Wilder. I don’t know why my parents let me watch this as a kid — the trippy part with the boat is DARK AS HELL.

College Football: South Carolina at N.C. State (ESPN) — Dude, ERIN ANDREWS! Get a screengrab of her in HD! Look, I can see her tongue! Just imagine what she can do with that!

Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC) — R. Kelly is scheduled to perform. I believe that means he’s going to sing. I hope that’s what it means.

My heterosexual credentials are solid.  I was in a fraternity in college.  I served in the Marines.  I went to war.  I have, on occasion, kissed girls.  I own a Rottweiler.  My favorite drink is whiskey. (Which is not to say that gay/bisexual men can’t do these things, but they’re typically associated with straight men.)  And yet, I love “Project Runway.”  What gives?

The notion that straight men can’t watch and enjoy “Runway” because it’s about fashion and therefore “gay” needs to be blown up, and I’d like to supply the C4 and detonation cord.  At my most meatheaded, I’m happy to point out that there’s plenty of eye candy to ogle on the show, from the models to host Heidi Klum to the two or three designers that I end up pulling for merely because they’re attractive and I’m extremely shallow.

But even the “hey, the chicks are hot” or “my wife makes me watch it” defenses do disservice to the show, as it’s one of the few reality competitions that fixates on the talent of the competitors and their creative process rather than the quips of judges or a live audience that brays at the slighest hint of criticism.  Tim Gunn accomplishes more with a frown and silence than Simon Cowell’s most searing critique.

Granted, there are times when us red-meat-eating straights are bound to roll our eyes at a fabulouthhhh designer (I still want to throw Season 4 winner Christian Siriano off a tall building) or the emotional peccadilloes of the contestants.  During last night’s Season 6 premiere, for example, Ari chose to meditate rather than sketch out a design, challenge-winner Christopher cried or came close to crying no fewer than three times, and ex-meth addict Johnny broke into tears and wanted to quit because he was faced with the enormous pressure of designing a dress — as if that were the sort of challenge he couldn’t have foreseen.  But these are the foibles that make the show entertaining; there are characters to hate, characters to laugh at, and characters you want to take out to dinner and make slow, passionate love to (hello, Irina).  That’s quality television, people.

So let’s shelve the macho pretense already.  “Project Runway” is the apex of reality television, and I’m not sorry for liking it.  It’s the closed-minded simpletons dismissing the show as “gay” who owe an apology.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are some Wham! records I need to go listen to.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — The long-awaited, long-ago-wrapped Season 6 finally begins.  With the move to Lifetime from Bravo, it will now appeal less to gay men and more to boring unattractive women.  You know, it’s easy to forget — because Heidi Klum is still hot even though she’s in her mid-thirties and pregnant with her fouth child — that she used to look like this.  And this.  And this.  Good times.

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (ABC) — Suns point guard Steve Nash plays the game for charity.  As much as I’m above watching this show, Nash is easily one of the smartest and funniest star athletes in any sport.  He might make it watchable.

NFL Preseason: Eagles at Colts (Fox) — Hey everybody!  Michael Vick is back!  here’s your chance to see him — oh, wait.  He’s suspended.  Something about dogfighting?

Into the Pride (Animal Planet) — A man lives with lions in Africa.  Fun fact: “pride” is also the collective noun for a group of homosexuals.

Blog Cabin (DIY) — This is my new favorite name for a show.  I will from here on out call my apartment that.

MLS Soccer: New England at Seattle (ESPN2) — WOOOOOOOOOO GO SOUNDERS!!!!!!!!!  Hey, don’t look at me like that.  I didn’t say I was actually going to watch it.

Here are eight televised spots to introduce you to the cast of the new-old “Project Runway.”  And I’ll be honest: I like “Project Runway,” but it belongs on the glam-trash channel of Bravo, not the estrogen-and-tears world of Lifetime.  Watch these and try — just try – to not want to murder whoever came up with the touchy-feely tinkling piano track.

Thumbs down, Lifetime.  This better not be a harbinger of what you’re doing to the show.  If you put Heidi Klum in fat clothes to make your viewers feel better about themselves, we’re gonna have words.  You’re on notice, bitch.  **snaps in Z formation, wags head back and forth**

The finale of the newest season of “Project Runway” was taped in February, but the show has been held in legal limbo while Bravo and Lifetime and the Weinsteins struggled to scratch out a deal.  However, with Season 6 beginning on its new home of Lifetime on August 20th, we finally get a look at the new cast.

As the female friendly network prepares for the Aug. 20 premiere, the 16 contestants’ diverse faces and backgrounds are ready for launch. Three of them — Nicolas Putvinksi, Gordana Gehlhausen and Irina Shabeyeva — hail originally from Russia, Bosnia and the Republic of Georgia, respectively.

Yet another contestant, Malvin Vien, lists his favorite designer as “himself” and inspiration as “the farmers of rural China.”

Translation: he’s the contestant you’ll want to brutally assault.

Season six takes place in Los Angeles, where celebrities such as Christina Aguilera and Lindsay Lohan will make cameos during challenges.

“Look out for the girls,” [host Heidi] Klum said Wednesday, during a break from filming the show’s seventh edition in New York. “The girls are very strong on season six. There’s a lot of crying, there’s fighting going on, there’s a lot of drama going on — but especially with the girls.”

That should be refreshing.  Usually it’s the gay men who do all the fighting and crying and melodramatic posturing.  And I can’t wait for Lindsay Lohan’s input.  “This is great, but does it show my vaj when I wear it without underwear?”

Marvel Comics is making a comic book about Fashion Week in New York City in which Tim Gunn of “Project Runway” will don the Iron Man suit.  This is actually happening, people. From the New York Times:

On Aug. 26, Marvel will release the first issue of “Models Inc.,” a sartorially minded mini-series that unites some of its fashion-friendly supporting characters and pushes them into new starring roles.  The runway divas include Millicent Collins (a k a Millie the Model), Patsy Walker, also known as the superheroine Hellcat, and Mary Jane, the model-turned actress who is the sometimes wife of Peter Parker, the Amazing Spider-Man.

But what would [they] be without someone to guide them? Enter Tim Gunn of “Project Runway.” In the debut issue’s second story, Mr. Gunn becomes an action figure — jumping into Iron Man’s suit of armor to save a fashion exhibition from evildoers.

Sounds like a great idea.  When I think about the bitchy women and gay men who love fashion, I think about how much they all love comic books.  But can we do something about this Iron Man suit, people?  I need something a little more slimming, and red and gold is SO last season.