Best Week Ever uncovered a YouTube account consisting of nothing but squiggly animated spoofs of retarded Bravo reality shows. A couple more are posted after the jump.
The time I spent watching these clips represents more time than I’ve committed watching all of these actual shows combined, so I can’t vouch for the accuracy of the parody, but they’re pretty funny and obviously mean-spirited, so that’s good enough for me. They don’t make me any more likely to watch any of these shows, but they do make me yearn for the days when Dr. Katz used to air at least 14 times a day on Comedy Central. Ah, early years of Comedy Central, how I miss your unbroken hours of content featuring an almost complete lack of original programming.
I watched about a minute of last night’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey” reunion — long enough to see that the curly-haired table-flipper is now pregnant (Yay, they’re reproducing!). But I had to turn it off after several cuts to Danielle Staub, because her plastic face and bad boob job were more than my eyes could handle. However, I will give her credit for basically being the slutty version of a character from Goodfellas. While we’ve gotten some details of her sordid past before, The Smoking Gun goes over the top with a history of Staub’s criminal activity. It’s a long read, but every word is delicious.
Staub, once known as Beverly Ann Merrill, was arrested by FBI agents in June 1986 for her role in a kidnapping plot that grew out of a cocaine deal gone bad. According to documents filed in U.S. District Court in Miami, Merrill and Daniel Aguilar, who distributed narcotics for a Colombian drug family, sought to extort a $25,000 ransom from a man whose son they were holding. The captive, Carmen Centolella, was blamed by Merrill and Aguilar for the botched drug deal, which cost them a kilo of cocaine worth about $24,000, according to the below criminal complaint. Merrill and Aguilar were arrested after federal agents traced ransom calls they placed to Centolella’s father. Merrill was busted in a Miami apartment in which agents discovered six kilos of cocaine and about $16,000 in cash. In a subsequent indictment, Merrill was charged with eight felonies, including extortion, cocaine possession, and narcotics conspiracy.
When we last checked in on “The Real Divorcees and Single Women of New Jersey,” news had broken that black AmEx-toting Danielle Staub was actually a coke-whoring ex-stripper with a sizable criminal record. Whoops! Since then, I’ve gone back to pretending this show doesn’t exist, but last night’s season finale — in which the women and their families gathered around for an orchestrated dinner. From what I understand, Danielle blamed someone for bringing her past to light, then there were some counter-accusations, then Teresa was all, “WHORE! AND OTHER NAMES!” and flipped a table over. I dunno, whatever. Read a recap of it here.
In case you can’t get the video to work for you, no worries: Bravo will air a special hour-long “director’s cut” of the dinner fight tomorrow night. Oh, and Danielle’s two-decades-younger ex-boyfriend says she’s a sex maniac who needs it in public all the time, and he’s considering releasing one or more of their alleged sex tapes. Thanks buddy, but I prefer to be turned on by watching people have sex.
Danielle Staub has made her mark on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” by being the lone single housewife (huh?) and bragging about having a black American Express Card since, like, forever ago. More interestingly, she may very well have a shady past of drugs, stripping, and criminal behavior. RAWR!
In the out-of-print memoir Cop without a Badge, felon-turned-informant Kevin Maher writes about Beverly Merrill, a stripper who was out on bail when they met at a Miami drug party — a woman who just happens to look like Danielle might have looked 20 years ago. Get yourself comfortable, because here comes a heaping serving of Awesome:
Let’s meet Bev: “She was brunette. Long, perfectly shaped legs poked out of her leather hot pants just as provocatively as her braless breasts strained against her low-cut blouse.” And no, she wasn’t wearing any underwear. After she and Maher have “explosive sex,” he thinks to himself, “This is a good person. She has no morals, but she’s a good person.” [...]
Unfortunately, Beverly turns out to be a “coke whore.” That’s okay at first, because Maher likes coke too. But he really doesn’t like her sleeping with other guys. So Maher confronts another one of her boyfriends at the Bennigan’s in Saddle Brook, sticks a gun in his crotch, and makes him confess. By this time, Beverly Merrill is now dancing at various North Jersey establishments under the name Danielle. Maher, deciding he wants to have a kid but that Beverly isn’t “mother material,” eventually splits up with her. According to the epilogue, Maher last saw her in 1992 dancing at a club called Shakers in Carlstadt. [NJ.com]
Holy crap, this show just got 800,000 percent better. If Bravo’s going to keep making “Real Housewives” shows, this should be a stipulation of every new installment: at least one of the characters has to have a shady past. Preferably drugs and stripping. That’s the best kind of shady past.
By comparison, the state of New Jersey looks pretty good.
Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo) — Been craving a fourth installment of this series? You and me neither.
Fringe (Fox) — Season finale; Leonard Nimoy guest-stars. Okay, okay, we get it: J.J. Abrams has a hard-on for the original Spock. Now stop trying to make him relevant.
American Idol (Fox) — Only two more weeks, people, and then we’re safe for a couple of months. By the way, it’s the 300th episode of the show tonight. They add up fast when it’s on the air twice a week.
90210 (CW) — It’s an episode about prom. I hate episodes about prom.
Rescue Me (FX) — Tommy takes Genevieve on a tour of Ground Zero. Good luck fighting through all the tourists, bub.
Deadliest Catch (Discovery) — I’m only watching if this is Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.
NBA Playoffs (TNT) — A pair of Game 5s in what have been close series: Magic-Celtics in Boston followed by Rockets-Lakers in L.A. Come for the basketball, stay for the endless Charles Barkley T-Mobile commercials.
Dear Americans Who Watched Every Iteration of Bravo’s First Three Series of “Real Housewives” That Paved the Way for Bravo to Make “The Real Housewives of New Jersey“: I hate you. Please remove your genitals and microwave them on high for 10 minutes.
The newest cast of Housewives is close-knit and includes friends, a pair of sisters — who married brothers! — and their sister-in-law. The show is set to premiere May 12 (11 p.m. ET) on Bravo.
I’d also like to include some random sentences from the descriptions of the newest Housewives:
A former cosmetologist, she is now a stay-at-home mom, but still loves to pamper herself… her husband Joe owns a successful construction company… she also loves to shop, get spa treatments and spend time at her beach house on the Jersey Shore… “You either love me or you hate me, there is no in between,” says the single mom [again: NOT a housewife -Ed.] of two daughters. She prides herself as one of the first female American Express Black card members in New Jersey.
Stay tuned for “The Real Housewives of Cape Girardeau, Missouri.” A mother of six, Barb enjoys going to church, funnel cakes, vacationing in the Ozarks, and weekend trips to Branson. Stereotypes make for great TV!
