The Perpetual Gossip Headline Machine is still working just fine at Bravo, where two different confrontations on two different “Real Housewives” franchises occurred over the weekend. First up, it’s the wine-throwing housewives of Orange County:

A wild brawl broke out at the wrap party for the Real Housewives of Orange County on Saturday night, with Tamra Barney [hottie in the middle -Ed.] and Jeana Keough [fatty on the right] throwing wine at each other and the encounter turning physical…

“Jeana said to Tamra, ‘Youre’ [sic]a b*tch and I’m gonna throw you’re [sic] a** in the pool,’” the eyewitness told us. “Then she pushed Tamra, as if she was trying to throw her in the pool.” Tamra started to fall backward, and fell into someone behind her. Still on her feet, Tamra responded by throwing a glass of wine in Jeana’s face!

The eyewitness [said] that Tamra then walked away and as she did Jeana tried to throw HER wine at Tamra. But Jeana missed Tamra and her wine hit another woman – who was wearing white and furious after being splattered. That woman then stormed Jeana, grabbed her and pushed her up against a wall! [Radar]

Golly, I can’t wait for Bravo to take this 15 seconds of footage and replay it 35 times from different angles over the course of an entire hour. But wait, there’s East Coast “Housewife” drama, too!

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Last night’s “South Park” provided a cathartic backlash to the prominent New Jersey stereotypes currently overpopulating our TVs. In the episode (titled “It’s a Jersey Thing”), New Jersey has taken over the Eastern half of the United States, and the only town that’s willing to fight back the spread of Guidos is South Park. Eventually, Randy calls on Al Qaeda to help vanquish the Guidos, but not before savaging “Jersey Shore,” “Real Housewives of Jersey” (they even recreated the table-flipping scene), and especially Snooki, who was depicted as a Gollum-like troll.

“South Park” generally works best when it paints in broad strokes; subtlety and nuance are for cartoons that are willing to substitute expediency for quality animation. In that regard, “Jersey Shore” made a perfect target for Trey Parker and Matt Stone: the “South Park” spoofs of the Guidos aren’t demonstrably different than how they’re presented on MTV and Bravo. Well, except Snooki. I think the animators went a little overboard with the ankle fat.

Short clip below; watch the whole episode here.

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Real Unmarried Housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub — prostitute, coke dealer, kidnapper, snitch, and horrific breast augmentation enthusiast — performed her song “Close to Me” live on PIX11 in New York this morning. You know, I didn’t realize she was trying her hand at a music career. But then, Neville Chamberlain didn’t realize that Hitler was out to conquer the world and create a master Aryan race. We’re all susceptible to ignoring evil.

I’m sorry, it’s unfair to compare this video to the Holocaust. Unfair to the Holocaust.

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Here’s a nice picture of some happy dogs who would love to get a big hug (full version here, thanks to Jordan for sharing). They’re the pleasant part of this post, because the image that goes with this story is Not Safe For Eyes. The fact that part of the image below is blurred actually makes it worse: it gives your brain a little bit of free reign to imagine just how terrible it might be.

Okay, let’s do this. So: you know Danielle Staub? Unmarried woman who’s a “Real Housewife of New Jersey”? Former prostitute and coke dealer? Leaked NSFW pictures of an alleged sex tape? Right. Well, it may surprise you to know that she’s had three breast augmentation surgeries (I know, right? I thought she was 100% natural). And on the last episode of ‘Real Housewives,” Danielle went in to get her tits fixed, because they look like…

(Are you sure you’re ready? Don’t keep reading if you haven’t steeled yourself.)

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Best Week Ever uncovered a YouTube account consisting of nothing but squiggly animated spoofs of retarded Bravo reality shows. A couple more are posted after the jump.

The time I spent watching these clips represents more time than I’ve committed watching all of these actual shows combined, so I can’t vouch for the accuracy of the parody, but they’re pretty funny and obviously mean-spirited, so that’s good enough for me. They don’t make me any more likely to watch any of these shows, but they do make me yearn for the days when Dr. Katz used to air at least 14 times a day on Comedy Central. Ah, early years of Comedy Central, how I miss your unbroken hours of content featuring an almost complete lack of original programming.

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