“Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.”
Today is an excruciatingly slow news day, so this story is about “United Plates of America,” an ambitious reality show greenlit by NBC in which the winning contestant is awarded a restaurant chain.
A group of would-be restaurateurs will compete to impress a panel of wealthy investors from the cooking and business world. Challenges will test competitors’ savvy on such subjects as their restaurant’s concept, menu and marketability and their ability to manage staff…
The show’s winner will receive a restaurant chain that opens in four locations in various U.S. cities on the night of the show’s season finale. [THR]
My pitch: “Good food, good fun, and a whole bunch a crazy crap on the walls!” Do I win? What if my deep frier can flash-fry a buffalo in six seconds?
“Coming up, on ‘Lifestyles of India’s Rich and Famous’…”
An Indian reality show called “The Big Switch” that puts wealthy young Indians in the slums of Mumbai has taken the caste-driven country by storm, according to The Hollywood Reporter. Frankly, it sounds pretty awesome:
The show involves 10 rich contestants paired with 10 slum dwellers. The groups have to work on tasks such as shining shoes at railway stations and selling wares at traffic signals, jobs the poor often have to do. Points are given for each task and the onus is on the rich contestants to win the cash prize of 1 million rupees ($21,600), which would go toward fulfilling the dreams of their partner…
[Nightclub owner Sunny] Sara’s partner on the show is Abhishek Kushwah, a 22-year-old who grew up in Dharavi, Asia’s biggest slum. “Me and Sunny are similar in our thinking, but we come from such different backgrounds,” Kushwah said. “Yet, he did all he could to help me toward my goal of going to catering school. This show could be my ticket to a good life.”
For Sara, there were some experiences that were not so good. “The smell of rotting fish was unbearable. There was a lot of filth and dirt,” he said… “”There was no running water, no air conditioning, none of the amenities I was used to. I missed my Blackberry and my bikes… It was a life-changing experience.”
Kushwah added, “I really think Sunny and I forged a lifelong friendship.” Reached back at his sprawling penthouse, Sara lit a cigar and said, “Abishek who?”
DIE IN A FIRE, TLC. Now that we’ve freed ourselves from the effing Gosselin family, TLC is serving up a show called “Table for 12.” From the New York Post: “The Hayes family, from Central New Jersey (Marlboro), has three sets of multiples via fertility treatments — two sets of twins plus sextuplets — and they’re coming to primetime just as the Gosselins’ bright tabloid star is setting.” So. Much. Hate. Filling my body. Blackness. Flames.
I’M VERY SERIOUS ABOUT TLC DYING IN A FIRE. Three words: “Cake Boss” spin-off. It’s only a web series for now. But the Nazis didn’t stop at the Sudetenland, did they?
NBC GREENLIGHTS CRIME-SOLVING MAGICIAN. Yeah, those words just happened. Crime-solving magician. Variety: “The concept centers on a master magician whose career is in ruins after he develops stage fright and agoraphobia; an elite law enforcement agency recruits him to take an unusual approach to cracking tough cases.” *praying* Listen, God, I’m sorry if I’ve doubted you recently. Just send the swarms of locusts, okay? Anything but this. Amen.
BEAROTAUR! You know what I like about Bearotaur? He’s got sharp hooves and deadly claws, but he still opts to carry around a mace. I think we’d get along, as long as he doesn’t like “Entourage.” [Unicorn Wolf Lasers F You]
As it turns out, teenage girls aren’t the best criminal masterminds. Police have arrested four suspects in the burglaries of the homes of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Audrina Patridge, Orlando Bloom, and Rachel Bilson: four girls aged 18 and 19. And surprise, one of the girls was arrested on the set of her reality TV show about aspiring actresses trying to make it in Hollywood. Frankly, I expected more from someone on a reality show. More murder. [LA Times]
Five Reasons to Not Want to be Don Draper Any More. Eh, I dunno. I kinda still want to be him. [Asylum]
‘Modern Family’ only getting better: Chazz Palmintieri and Elizabeth Banks will guest star in upcoming episodes of ABC’s freshman sitcom. [TV Guide]
Gotta keep your pimp hand… meaty? Presenting the meat hand. It’s a hand made out of meatloaf. [Not Martha via Buzzfeed]
Yay? Lisa Kudrow will guest star on “Cougar Town.” Wonderful news from Hollywood’s most annoying writer. [Ausiello Files]
‘Family Guy’ then and now: The best and most succinct explanation for why I used to love the show but never bother any more. [Star War Figure]
Shut up, Martha Stewart! Christina Hendricks, who is 34 but still looks like a youthful angel with big tits, went on Martha Stewart’s show, where Stewart told her, “I must say, I thought you were much older.” [Jezebel]
Retard Pig loves this show — but not as much as beer commercials
You know what would make reality shows EVEN BETTER? More shameless, blatant product marketing! Oh, look! MULTIPLE reality shows about LEGO!!! Wheeeeeee! Great job Hollywood!
Reality producer Scott Messick has partnered with the Lego Group to develop nonscripted programming related to the toy building-block franchise. Messick said he’s developing several different types of reality shows related to the brand – including docuseries, competition shows and kid-oriented gamers.
“Lego seemed like such a powerful brand, and I don’t think they were thinking about reality TV,” said Messick, who is exec producer of Cartoon Network’s “Destroy Build Destroy.”
Lego has been busy extending its brand into the entertainment realm, including a live-action movie in development at Warner Bros. [More on that HERE.] Jill Wilfert, Lego’s veep of licensing and entertainment, is driving the push into film and TV.
“They have some great ideas regarding programming that captures and showcases the inherent creativity at the core” of Lego, Wilfert said. [Variety, emphasis added]
And those are some truly awful PR quotes that showcase the inherent sliminess of the mental intellectual blackout it takes to support some of the braindead ideas in Hollywood. Ugh, die in a chemical fire, all of you.
Every season, the winner of “Big Brother” gets a $500,000 prize. This is a substantial amount of money. You can buy a nice house with that. You can live frugally and not work for a couple years. You can invest it and ensure your children go to the finest private schools. Or you can illegally buy thousands and thousands of oxycodone pills and attempt to sell them on the street.
Try to guess which of those options “Big Brother 9″ winner Adam Jasinski chose.
Federal prosecutors said Jasinski was arrested Saturday after he flew to Boston and showed the witness a sock containing two plastic bags filled with [2000 pills of] oxycodone, a powerful painkiller that is a popular street drug because of its euphoric effects.
As agents tried to arrest Jasinski at a strip mall in North Reading, he struggled and threw the sock under a car parked nearby. [AP]
Jasinski faces up to 20 years in prison and a $1 million fine. But he’ll be okay. He can make a nice down payment on that fine, and I’m sure the confinement of “Big Brother” offered many lessons that are useful in federal prison. I’m assuming, of course, that he had to shiv several of his castmates to win. I never actually watched the show.
