Well well well, if it isn’t our old friend, Patti Stanger. When the “Millionaire Matchmaker” star isn’t making sweeping generalizations about Jews and gays, she stays busy by being a  bitch to the wayward idiots who think she can successfully set them up with wealthy mates. In this virtuoso collection of c*ntery created by Vulture, you can watch Stanger put down dozens of women far more attractive than she is — and some men, too (“I wouldn’t have sex with you, and I wouldn’t give you a blowjob,” she says to a hobbit whose response should be relief). All in all, the video makes me wonder how Patti was only the 11th on my list of TV’s most punchable faces.

Oh, and Patti, here’s a quick evaluation of your assets: you’re a hatchet-faced sea cow that couldn’t be made attractive by all the cosmetics in the world, but your face isn’t half as ugly as your personality.

The good news: Andy Cohen, the executive vice president of programming for Bravo (we have him to thank for “Millionaire Matchmaker” and the endless variants of “Real Housewives”), will take a reduced role behind the scenes of the network next year. The bad news: he’s only doing that because the show he hosts, “Watch What Happens Live,” will start airing five nights a week.

The network will announce Tuesday that Mr. Cohen’s show, which now runs twice a week, on Sundays and Mondays, will extend to five nights starting Jan. 8, with the big wrinkle that its schedule will still include Sunday and eliminate Friday. As Michael Davies, the show’s executive producer, put it, “Sunday night is wide open in late night.” [...]

The show has no opening monologue, more reality TV guests than any other late-night show, and the only on-set bar serving cocktails to guests and audience alike.

In addition to the reality TV stars, especially from Bravo’s own shows (lots of housewives), more familiar names like Jerry Seinfeld, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Tina Fey have turned up. [NYT]

Andy Cohen can sometimes seem like a warm, friendly person, so it’s important to remember that he hates the sound of children singing. And after the apocalypse, if any slice of humanity remains, he should be remembered as a key player in the downfall of Western Civilization: in creating Bravo’s massive slate of reality programming, he set the standard for giving reality fame-whores larger platforms and their own shows — and then he made “Watch What Happens Live” as a way to increase those platforms and give himself a slice of the fame. Everything about Cohen and Bravo is parasitic, cancerous, and antithetical to creative television. The world would be a better place if he got stabbed to death by a Filipino vagrant.

I know it’s been on your mind. It’s been keeping you up at night, filling your sweaty dreams with worry: would “Bachelorette” Ali Fedotowsky and fiancé Roberto Martinez follow through with a wedding? Or would their love end in disillusion and sadness like 19 of the 20 previous pairings that “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” had created? If only a publicist could tell us in a way that completely insults our collective intellect. Ah, here we are:

“Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez have ended their relationship,” the couple’s rep tells PEOPLE. “As they go through this difficult time, we ask that you respect the couple’s privacy.”

I’ve seen a lot of stupid crap from stupid publicists, but this might be a new low. “These people competed on a reality TV show in order to be paired as mates. Please respect their privacy, which they so obviously cherish.”

By the way, the updated success rate for “Bachelor/ette” winners is now 1-for-21 (Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter are the only married couple; couple #22 — Ashley and J.P. from “The Bachelorette” — are still together for the moment). That’s a success rate of 4.7%. At this point, completely random selection would be as effective at producing an actual marriage, and yet WOMEN CANNOT STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW. If men had any sense at all, we’d all be gay and let the human race become extinct.

TLC is actually making something I don’t outright despise: a dating show called “Geek Love” in which sci-fi enthusiasts engage in speed dating at places like Comic-Con, where the pool of hapless, socially inept virgins is unusually deep.

The network has ordered Geek Love, a project that follows a speed-dating service at nerd-drawing events like Comic-Con. TLC greenlit two half-hour specials that will air next month and plans to make the project a full-fledged series if the specials draw large enough ratings. [EW]

EW also has an exclusive video of highlights, which I absolutely recommend watching. It starts with a guy touting his Chewbacca call, then features the girl in the inset picture saying, “It’s hard to find someone in the outside world you like because it’s really hard to find someone who understands you.” I can’t imagine why that might be.

There are few things I love to hate more than TLC’s programming, and TLC’s programming is rarely more hate-able than during the holiday season. Here’s only a sampling of what cable’s most shameless network (aside from maybe E!) has on tap in December:

On Extreme Christmas Trees, the special uncovers the lengths some will go to make their tree really sparkle… One is so spectacular, it lands in the Swedish Art Gallery and another in Las Vegas boasts more than $200,000 in ornaments…

Invasion of the Christmas Lights: Europe follows six families try to create the most elaborate lighting displays in that part of the world. No matter how much hard work, ingenuity, and risk the task takes, they make sure the holidays get their proper, um, spotlight…

TODDLERS & TIARAS HOLIDAY EPISODE — The holidays come alive at the Southern Celebrity Glitzmas Pageant in New Jersey. Three-year-old Laila and her mom have gone all out with a Rockette routine while scene stealers Riley, 5 and Bob, 6 tear up the stage with their fierce drag queen moves.

MY BIG FAT GYPSY CHRISTMAS — TLC peels back yet another intriguing layer of traveller culture as the cameras revisit dress-maker Thelma Madine to a small town in Ireland where roaming travellers return each year to celebrate Christmas (along with extravagant weddings and First Communions). This festive episode will catch up with some of the characters from the series and promises to deliver over-the-top parties and of course huge dresses. [THR]

To recap: EXTREME XXXMAS TREES! Crazy Christmas lights… IN EUROPE! Toddler Rockettes! And HUUUUUUUUGE gypsy dresses!!!! Even with excessive exclamation points and all-caps, this sounds boring as sh*t to me. Sometime I really don’t understand America.