Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is joining every other plebe-tastic network suit in Hollywood and developing yet another goddamn reality show. This is one is an “action-packed reality ‘global adventure’ series,” titled “The Hero,” in which the Rock sets out to find a real american hero.

The series, which is in the early stages of development, would place three teams on three different continents and “challenge contestants with difficult moral dilemmas, incredible feats of courage, and individual leadership and sacrifice.”

Here’s the thing, Dwayne. Four hundred television executives have already tried their own “extreme” versions of “Survivor” plus “The Amazing Race,” and zero of them have been successful. You know why? Because network insurance policies don’t actually allow for much danger on those programs. There’s only so many times we can watch someone bungee jump after being carefully and meticulously strapped in by a team of professionals to ensure that no one gets hurt.

What we want to see is someone get hurt. They allow it in NASCAR, so why don’t they allow it in reality television? In fact, here’s the perfect idea: 25 men and women placed on a NASCAR track. They have to complete six laps on foot, while dodging auto racers. Also, they have to stop after each lap and perform an “American Idol” style karaoke number. To take the competitive advantage away from the auto racers, each contestant is also given an uzi. The winner of the auto race and then winner of the foot race then must duke it out, bare knuckled, until someone dies. The survivor wins. Boom! Profit!

Now, that’s a reality show, Dwayne.

Let’s go straight to the blockquote. I have THINGS TO SAY about this.

Unscripted producer LMNO Prods. (I Get That A Lot) is developing a reality series about bacon centered on Justin Esch and Dave Lefkow, better known as The Bacon Boys. Since creating the idea for their popular BaconSalt on the back of a cocktail napkin in 2007, Esch and Lefkow have built their J&D’s Foods into multimillion dollar company whose mission is to make everything taste like bacon. [Deadline]

OK, I need to say something here, and you aren’t going to like it: People need to settle the hell down about bacon. Don’t get me wrong, bacon is delicious, and should be put on every cheeseburger as a matter of principle, but this fanboy “OMG BACON DROOL” crap has got to stop. I mean, it’s not even the best breakfast meat. Sausage is superior both in taste and quantity. (Maybe it’s my middle class upbringing, but if I’m paying the same amount for two different food products, I want the one with more substance to it, not the three glorified meat potato chips. SHOTS FIRED.) Instead of being deified as some sort of superfood, bacon should be treated as what it really is: the undisputed king of condiments. Add it to everything: mac and cheese, omelettes, burgers, hot dogs, whatever. The world is your bacon-wrapped oyster. But have a little damn self-respect. The whole thing has gotten out of control, as this quote from that Deadline story illustrates:

“In the great American tradition of making the ridiculous even more ridiculous-er, we at J&D’s Foods look forward to joining the ranks of Snooki, the Kardashians and Flava Flav as America’s next great reality TV stars,” Esch and Lefkow said.

Enough is enough, people. I’m glad we had this talk.

Damnit, every time someething or someone like “Game of Thrones,” “Community,” “Doctor Who,” or Rosario Dawson comes along to give NEEEEEEERDs a leg up in pop culture’s cool department, a show like “The Big Bang Theory” or someone like Olivia Munn sets us back again. WHEN WILL WE BREAK THIS GLASS CEILING? For every sexy cosplay gallery or ultra-violent nerd flick like Kick-Ass, there’s a Poindexter stereotype to mess with our momentum.

Now comes word that TBS is looking to set us all the way back to the 1980s.

Looking to ride the coattails of syndie hit “The Big Bang Theory,” TBS is giving a greenlight to reality series “King of the Nerds.” Hosted by “Revenge of the Nerds” thesps Robert Carradine and Curtis Armstrong, series will test competitors intellect, ingenuity, skills and pop culture prowess. Cabler has ordered eight episodes, set for an early 2013 debut.

Booger? I thought we got rid of that guy in the early ’90s. Why does he keep haunting us? Nerds have come a long way since Revenge of the Nerds. We don’t wear protect protectors anymore and we have designer inhalers, damnit. Oh, screw you. I’m going to my mom’s basement WHERE I TOUCHED A REAL GIRLS BOOB ONCE.

(Source: Variety)

That kid with the spiky hair is wondering where Bumblebee is.

*EXPLOSION NOISE* *GUN SHOT* *HOT WOMAN WASHING HERSELF WITH A SPONGE WHILE CLEANING HER CAR* *LINKIN PARK SONG* That’s how you say the following in Bayian:

I’ve learned that A&E has put in development an unscripted reality series executive produced by feature director-producer Michael Bay. The untitled project…[is] a competition reality series that promises to test the strength of the family unit like never before. (Deadline)

In Michael Bay’s version of reality, everything is always on fire, cars never go slower than 128 MPH, people scream into their cell phones about how there’s just no time, only attractive women exist and they’re all wearing belly button-exposing shirts and Daisy Dukes, and although everyone’s constantly speaking, they’re not actually say anything. In other words, it’s amazing Michael Bay doesn’t already have a reality show.

Read the rest of this entry »

Well well well, if it isn’t our old friend, Patti Stanger. When the “Millionaire Matchmaker” star isn’t making sweeping generalizations about Jews and gays, she stays busy by being a  bitch to the wayward idiots who think she can successfully set them up with wealthy mates. In this virtuoso collection of c*ntery created by Vulture, you can watch Stanger put down dozens of women far more attractive than she is — and some men, too (“I wouldn’t have sex with you, and I wouldn’t give you a blowjob,” she says to a hobbit whose response should be relief). All in all, the video makes me wonder how Patti was only the 11th on my list of TV’s most punchable faces.

Oh, and Patti, here’s a quick evaluation of your assets: you’re a hatchet-faced sea cow that couldn’t be made attractive by all the cosmetics in the world, but your face isn’t half as ugly as your personality.