You guys are never going to believe this, but a lot of people who appear on television for a living put on nice clothes to go to the Emmys last night. I’ll let you get to clicking through the pictures in a moment, but here’s a general overlook:

• Before you ask: yes, there are pictures of Christina Hendricks’s mountainous cleavage.
• There will be absolutely no discussion of the cleavage displayed by Ariel Winter (Alex on “Modern Family”). She’s 13. If I’m gonna get arrested for something like that, it’ll be for Chloe Moretz.
• Because I am occasionally not a total chauvinist pervert, I have included pictures of handsome male actors. Props to my lady readers.
• As I log more and more years in the blogging game, I’m less enamored with the “This beautiful actress is ugly” thing that bloggers and commenters like to do. They’re famous actors; I would happily have sex with any of them. Even Melissa McCarthy. Even Peter Dinklage. Even — and this will gross some people out — Gwyneth Paltrow.

All right. Get to clickin’. Those pageviews feed me.

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Golden Globes (NBC, Sunday) — Ricky Gervais has promised to go further in his jokes about celebrities than he did last year, and he’s admitted that he has Charlie Sheen in his sights. God, I can’t wait. I wish there was a way to combine the drunken coolness of the Golden Globes with the respectability and glamor of the Oscars. Because right now the two awards shows deliver either a complete farce of nominees or Hollywood acting imperiously self-important.

Saturday Night Live (NBC) — Gwyneth Paltrow hosts with musical guest Cee-Lo. As always, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Miss America Pageant (ABC) — Whoa, this is still on network television! Crazy. Did you know that Miss Delaware Kayla Martell is completely bald due to alopecia? She must save so much money not having to wax.

Big Love (HBO, Sunday) — Season premiere. Not exactly the best choice to put it up against the Golden Globes, but HBO seems less enthusiastic about promoting this ever since last season was widely panned.

NFL Playoffs (NBC/CBS/Fox) — The NFC is an afterthought this weekend, with the big stories being a pair of Round 3′s for division rivals: Ravens at Steelers (Saturday) and Jets at Patriots (Sunday). Follow the action all weekend long at KSK. Also: go Seahawks.

The Kids Choice Awards were held last night, and aside from sugary drinks and nose-picking the big winners were I don’t give a rat’s ass. But Disney probably cares, because Nickelodeon shafted some of its damn wiener kid stars.

The annual Kids’ Choice Awards show on Nickelodeon, an ostensible celebration of the most popular children’s programming on television, has turned into a sandbox spat between two media giants vying for supremacy in the world of kids’ TV…

Nickelodeon this week informed programming rival Disney Channel that only a handful of its biggest stars would be permitted to walk the ceremonial orange carpet, pose for photos and grant interviews during “Nickelodeon’s 23rd Annual Kids’ Choice Awards” on Saturday at UCLA’s Pauley Pavilion. Although individual nominees such as Selena Gomez and the Jonas Brothers can still participate, others have been elbowed out of the spotlight. [LA Times]

I can’t possibly pretend to care about children’s programming without attacking some effeminate fruitcake with clippers or writing something illegal about a girl who isn’t 18, so let’s change subjects. Hey look, it’s Katy Perry. She’s performing some kind of experiment to see if girls with big boobs in short, low-cut dresses and lots of eye makeup turn me on. Say what you will about Miss Perry’s music, but she’s one hell of a scientist.

You know what? That was a pretty solid Academy Awards last night. Kathryn Bigelow and The Hurt Locker got the accolades they deserve, Avatar didn’t win anything it shouldn’t have, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin had the clout to poke fun at Hollywood, there was a nice John Hughes tribute, and only once did I have to say “Shut up, Sean Penn.” I can’t even hate Sandra Bullock winning for The Blind Side after she picked up her Razzie in person and said that she’ll display it next to her Oscar (also, she and Bigelow were the only winners who recognized the other nominees in their acceptance speeches).

The only thing that bothered me about the night was finishing second in my Oscar pool by a single pick. I nailed the telecast’s end time by calling 12:02 a.m., so I would have won the tie-breaker if I’d gotten one more pick correct. DAMN YOU, DOCUMENTARY SHORT! How was I supposed to know one of the choices was about a handicapped African girl?

(Most images via bohemea. Bonus GIF action of Samuel L. Jackson reacting to Mo’Nique below.)

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Christina Hendricks was at the Directors Guild Awards this past weekend, where she presented a special-edition gold coin to the Jewish leprechaun of the year. But more importantly, Hendricks donned glasses to read the award. And if I learned anything from middle school, it’s that people with poor vision should be chastised for wearing glasses. Ha ha, look at that geeky Four Eyes! She probably likes comic books and science fiction and They Might Be Giants and… wait. That’s all stuff that *I* like. Dammit, the point of this post was supposed to make me feel better about not being her dorky husband. Foiled again! I’ll get you for this, Hendricks!