I know it’s been on your mind. It’s been keeping you up at night, filling your sweaty dreams with worry: would “Bachelorette” Ali Fedotowsky and fiancé Roberto Martinez follow through with a wedding? Or would their love end in disillusion and sadness like 19 of the 20 previous pairings that “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” had created? If only a publicist could tell us in a way that completely insults our collective intellect. Ah, here we are:

“Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez have ended their relationship,” the couple’s rep tells PEOPLE. “As they go through this difficult time, we ask that you respect the couple’s privacy.”

I’ve seen a lot of stupid crap from stupid publicists, but this might be a new low. “These people competed on a reality TV show in order to be paired as mates. Please respect their privacy, which they so obviously cherish.”

By the way, the updated success rate for “Bachelor/ette” winners is now 1-for-21 (Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter are the only married couple; couple #22 — Ashley and J.P. from “The Bachelorette” — are still together for the moment). That’s a success rate of 4.7%. At this point, completely random selection would be as effective at producing an actual marriage, and yet WOMEN CANNOT STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW. If men had any sense at all, we’d all be gay and let the human race become extinct.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were paid almost $18 million to get married. $15M for E! to televise it, $2.5M for exclusive photo rights to People Magazine, $300K for exclusive engagement announcement to People, $100K for bridal shower to OK!, and $50K for the bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Then you figure in the freebies: $400K of Perrier Jouet Champagne, three $20K Vera Wang gowns, a $15K wedding cake, $10K in lavish invitations, and more — all free. After 72 days of marriage, Kim filed for divorce.

As people with working cerebral cortices rightfully called out Kim’s marriage for being a money-making sham, E! and the Kardashian Kompany went into defense mode: E! released a statement denying any such claim as “completely false” — while at the same time adding re-runs of the wedding to its schedule. Mom Kris Kardashian took a break from hawking her new book to defend Kim, telling baldfaced lies across multiple channels that Kim made no money off the wedding. And Kim herself went on to her blog to say what a starry-eyed romantic she is:

Read the rest of this entry »

Comedian Rob Delaney (who you might recognize from the “MA Men” spoof of “Mad Men”) is awesomely suing Kim Kardashian (as well as E! Entertainment, Ryan Seacrest, and Comcast) for ditching her marriage after making millions of dollars off of her wedding. Delaney laid out a compelling argument in his Vice column:

I’ve been married for five years. To the same woman. I’ve wanted to divorce her at times. She’s wanted to divorce me at times. But one great thing about marriage, when it’s entered by regular folks, in good faith, is that it’s hard to exit. It costs money. You have to talk to lawyers during business hours except whoops—you have a job that you need to earn money to buy food and pants—so when are you going to both take the time to do that? By the time you’d have gotten around to it, you’ve forgiven each other and maybe even reached a new appreciation for each other as you worked through whatever seemingly insurmountable problem made you hate each other for 20 minutes while you sat in your shitty car outside a CVS yelling at each other and crying.

There’s a lot more to it than that, but the paragraphs are long and I can only cherry-pick bits and pieces due to my crippling AD/HD. You should read the whole thing (and no, he’s not kidding).

Listen, it’s blatantly obvious that the wedding was a sham publicity stunt orchestrated so the Kardashian “brand” (ugh) could generate more revenue, and this handy little divorce is a big middle finger to common married folk who actually work hard to share their lives together. Kim Kardashian is the 1%, and Rob Delaney’s lawsuit is the Occupy Wall Street movement (minus the hippies).

Last year, “Bones” star David Boreanaz admitted to an affair with professional hussy Rachel Uchitel before Tiger Woods made it the cool way to wreck your marriage. Notably, Boreanaz worked things out with wife Jaime Bergman (Miss January 1999, NSFW), who seems way cooler than Elin Nordegren. That Swedish broad never even got naked for us.

Anyway, not only was banging Uchitel an awesome change of pace from being married to a boring ol’ Playmate, it also strengthened Boreanaz’s marriage. Everyone wins!

[Boreanaz] tells TV Week that his affair has been “a bonding experience, in the long run… In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive,” the 42-year-old actor explains. “There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you.” [Us]

“Baby, it wasn’t my fault! I was overtaken by my rock-hard erec– er, a demon! Yeah, that’s it! A demon.” Man, it must be awesome to be rich and famous and handsome.

I’ve maligned my share of “Saturday Night Live” cast members over the years, but perhaps none more so than Kenan Thompson. But hey, somebody must like him, because he’s engaged to model Christina Evangeline, with the wedding rumored to be next month. Oh, I’m sorry, did I call Christina a model? Allow her Twitter to correct me:

I’m not a model. I never claimed to be. I had 2 layouts in maxim….for fun. I have a degree, ambition, for me, isn’t skin deep.

“I’m not a model. I just model for magazines and have a profile on a modeling website,” said the model.

And honey, you don’t have to talk about not caring what’s on the surface. You’re marrying Kenan Thompson. No one’s going to accuse you of being obsessed with looks. Or laughter.

Read the rest of this entry »