I know it’s been on your mind. It’s been keeping you up at night, filling your sweaty dreams with worry: would “Bachelorette” Ali Fedotowsky and fiancé Roberto Martinez follow through with a wedding? Or would their love end in disillusion and sadness like 19 of the 20 previous pairings that “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” had created? If only a publicist could tell us in a way that completely insults our collective intellect. Ah, here we are:

“Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez have ended their relationship,” the couple’s rep tells PEOPLE. “As they go through this difficult time, we ask that you respect the couple’s privacy.”

I’ve seen a lot of stupid crap from stupid publicists, but this might be a new low. “These people competed on a reality TV show in order to be paired as mates. Please respect their privacy, which they so obviously cherish.”

By the way, the updated success rate for “Bachelor/ette” winners is now 1-for-21 (Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter are the only married couple; couple #22 — Ashley and J.P. from “The Bachelorette” — are still together for the moment). That’s a success rate of 4.7%. At this point, completely random selection would be as effective at producing an actual marriage, and yet WOMEN CANNOT STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW. If men had any sense at all, we’d all be gay and let the human race become extinct.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were paid almost $18 million to get married. $15M for E! to televise it, $2.5M for exclusive photo rights to People Magazine, $300K for exclusive engagement announcement to People, $100K for bridal shower to OK!, and $50K for the bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Then you figure in the freebies: $400K of Perrier Jouet Champagne, three $20K Vera Wang gowns, a $15K wedding cake, $10K in lavish invitations, and more — all free. After 72 days of marriage, Kim filed for divorce.

As people with working cerebral cortices rightfully called out Kim’s marriage for being a money-making sham, E! and the Kardashian Kompany went into defense mode: E! released a statement denying any such claim as “completely false” — while at the same time adding re-runs of the wedding to its schedule. Mom Kris Kardashian took a break from hawking her new book to defend Kim, telling baldfaced lies across multiple channels that Kim made no money off the wedding. And Kim herself went on to her blog to say what a starry-eyed romantic she is:

First and foremost, I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show! [...]

Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a hopeless romantic! I love with all of my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.

Exact quote from first paragraph: “I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this.” Exact quote from second paragraph: “I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.”

Yeah, I can’t believe she has to defend her 72-day marriage for love. Those kinds of accusations should only be levied at people who get famous for selling a sex tape — oh, right.

Comedian Rob Delaney (who you might recognize from the “MA Men” spoof of “Mad Men”) is awesomely suing Kim Kardashian (as well as E! Entertainment, Ryan Seacrest, and Comcast) for ditching her marriage after making millions of dollars off of her wedding. Delaney laid out a compelling argument in his Vice column:

I’ve been married for five years. To the same woman. I’ve wanted to divorce her at times. She’s wanted to divorce me at times. But one great thing about marriage, when it’s entered by regular folks, in good faith, is that it’s hard to exit. It costs money. You have to talk to lawyers during business hours except whoops—you have a job that you need to earn money to buy food and pants—so when are you going to both take the time to do that? By the time you’d have gotten around to it, you’ve forgiven each other and maybe even reached a new appreciation for each other as you worked through whatever seemingly insurmountable problem made you hate each other for 20 minutes while you sat in your shitty car outside a CVS yelling at each other and crying.

There’s a lot more to it than that, but the paragraphs are long and I can only cherry-pick bits and pieces due to my crippling AD/HD. You should read the whole thing (and no, he’s not kidding).

Listen, it’s blatantly obvious that the wedding was a sham publicity stunt orchestrated so the Kardashian “brand” (ugh) could generate more revenue, and this handy little divorce is a big middle finger to common married folk who actually work hard to share their lives together. Kim Kardashian is the 1%, and Rob Delaney’s lawsuit is the Occupy Wall Street movement (minus the hippies).

Last year, “Bones” star David Boreanaz admitted to an affair with professional hussy Rachel Uchitel before Tiger Woods made it the cool way to wreck your marriage. Notably, Boreanaz worked things out with wife Jaime Bergman (Miss January 1999, NSFW), who seems way cooler than Elin Nordegren. That Swedish broad never even got naked for us.

Anyway, not only was banging Uchitel an awesome change of pace from being married to a boring ol’ Playmate, it also strengthened Boreanaz’s marriage. Everyone wins!

[Boreanaz] tells TV Week that his affair has been “a bonding experience, in the long run… In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive,” the 42-year-old actor explains. “There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you.” [Us]

“Baby, it wasn’t my fault! I was overtaken by my rock-hard erec– er, a demon! Yeah, that’s it! A demon.” Man, it must be awesome to be rich and famous and handsome.

I’ve maligned my share of “Saturday Night Live” cast members over the years, but perhaps none more so than Kenan Thompson. But hey, somebody must like him, because he’s engaged to model Christina Evangeline, with the wedding rumored to be next month. Oh, I’m sorry, did I call Christina a model? Allow her Twitter to correct me:

I’m not a model. I never claimed to be. I had 2 layouts in maxim….for fun. I have a degree, ambition, for me, isn’t skin deep.

“I’m not a model. I just model for magazines and have a profile on a modeling website,” said the model.

And honey, you don’t have to talk about not caring what’s on the surface. You’re marrying Kenan Thompson. No one’s going to accuse you of being obsessed with looks. Or laughter.

Good news for former White House party crasher Tareq Salahi: his wife, former “Real Housewives of D.C.” cast member Michaele, has NOT been kidnapped as he originally feared. The bad news: she left him for Journey guitarist Neal Schon. From the LA Times:

Tareq reported Michaele missing very late Tuesday night, telling law enforcement that his wife had been gone for six hours, the North Virginia Daily reported. She’d called him from a cellphone with an Oregon number, he said, to tell him she was fine and on her way to her mom’s house… The former house-husband of D.C. told NBC that his wife’s “cryptic” behavior during the call made him think she was trying to convey a message to him in code.

She was. That coded message? “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.”

It seems Michaele had actually run off with Journey lead guitarist Neal Schon in Tennessee on Wednesday, according to TMZ, which got confirmation from the band’s rep that “nobody kidnapped her and they are in Memphis together.” [...] It was what the missus called an “intimate and passionate relationship,” the celeb website said.

Ouch. Tough break for Tareq. My advice to him: Don’t stop believin’ that your wife got kidnapped. HOLD ON TO THAT FEEL-AYYYYY-INNNNNN’.

Angry finger-pointer Bill O’Reilly is perhaps smarter than the average Fox News talking head, but he’s never come across as someone with a “conscience” or “soul” or “capable of human feeling.” So it’s not exactly a surprise that he tried to use the Nassau County Police Department as his own personal investigation unit in an attempt to dig up dirt on the police officer sleeping with his estranged wife, Maureen McPhilmy O’Reilly.

According to our source, [Inspector Neil] Delargy offered [Detective Richard] Harasym no justification for investigating the detective—who is unmarried—aside from the alleged infidelity. “The order was to investigate this detective not for any misdeeds,” the source said, “but to see if they could get anything on him. Delargy also told him to tell the detective to back off.”

Delargy told Harasym that the investigation was highly sensitive for two reasons, the source said: 1) It was ordered directly by then-police commissioner Lawrence Mulvey, and 2) O’Reilly was at the time considering making a major donation to the Nassau County Police Department Foundation, a private not-for-profit foundation Mulvey helped found in 2009 to raise money for construction of a planned $48 million police training facility at Nassau Community College. [Gawker]

What? That’s legal, right? If you and your wife get separated, and she starts dating a cop, you can dangle a couple million dollars to the police chief in order to get the cop investigated by internal affairs, right? That’s just capitalism, people. If you don’t like it, you must be one of those SOCIALISTS trying to get medical care.

Today’s top TV story: New York firefighter Taylor Murphy — Mr. March in the 2011 FDNY calendar — is charged with assault, criminal mischief, and criminal obstruction of breathing for allegedly beating his girlfriend Claudia Charriez — a transsexual model who made it to the semifinals on “America’s Next Top Model” before getting disqualified for being born with a penis — in front of the Flashdancers strip club two weeks ago. Take it away, New York Post:

[Charriez] told The Post yesterday the attack began when Murphy became jealous during their visit to the Times Square nudie bar, where several men asked her for a lap dance. ”A couple of guys saw me and wanted me to dance for them, ” she said. “Then the owner came up to me and asked if I wanted to work for him. [Murphy] said he thought I was flirting with those guys.”

They argued, and Murphy allegedly became violent on the sidewalk, shattering her cellphone on the ground and dragging her down the street by her hair, Charriez said. ”He pinned me into a telephone booth and strangled me, then let go and started crying.”

Like I always say, let he who hasn’t broken down into tears after strangling his tranny girlfriend in a telephone booth throw the first stone.

The gender-bending model broke free from her 6-foot-3, 220-pound boyfriend, jumped in a cab and fled to her hotel on West 35th Street. Murphy was waiting when she got there and began biting, punching, kicking, slapping and choking Charriez, cops said.

“I told him to leave and that I didn’t want to see him again,” she said. “It set him off, and he slammed me into the bed and strangled me again with so much force.”

Charriez fled to a friend’s apartment, but Murphy allegedly followed her and banged on the door until the girls called the cops. ”I was covered in bruises. My lip was split and pieces of my hair were falling out,” she said.

“He called me from jail today and said he wanted me to write a letter saying it didn’t happen.”

I’m inclined to believe her, because society has taught me that any dude who looks like that inset photo DEFINITELY beats his girlfriend. And also because she’s way hot. There, I said it. I don’t care if she’s a tranny, that’s a smokin’-hot tranny. That’s why I’m following through with Warming Glow’s first-ever SEXY TRANNY GALLERY. I did not see this day coming.

More images at Claudia’s Model Mayhem page.

Proposing to the woman you love is a terrifying experience. You get down on one knee in public, present a gem you’ve gone into debt for, and hope for the best-case scenario: having sex with only one woman for the rest of your life. The absolute LAST thing on the planet I’d want after that is to get grilled by a reporter like I’m a coach after losing a playoff game.

But that’s what happened to Josh Mullin, who proposed to girlfriend Ashley Baldwin when he arrived at the Kansas City airport on Thursday morning. Mullin’s act was inadvertently caught on camera by a KMBC news crew filming a segment on the cost of eating healthy at the airport. Reporter Brenda Washington, alerted to the situation by the cameraman, flagged the happy couple down, then told them they looked too young and asked to see the Ashley’s ring. GAHHHHH it’s brutal to watch. If I ever propose to a woman, it’s happening in a secluded broom closet. Or, if I’m being honest, a strip club.

[KMBC via The Daily What]

Care for a margarita?

Chris Hansen, who famously trapped aspiring pedophiles on NBC’s “To Catch a Predator,” has himself been caught on camera — cheating on his wife with a Florida TV reporter two decades younger than he is. The sting operation was carried out by the National Enquirer, so you can read all about it the next time you pick up groceries.

Hansen, 51, has allegedly been having an affair with Kristyn Caddell, a 30-year-old Florida journalist, for the last four months.

Last weekend he was recorded taking Miss Caddell on a romantic dinner at the exclusive Ritz-Carlton hotel in Manalapan, before spending the night at her Palm Beach apartment. [Fox]

Caddell (inset, left) wisely has her telephone number online, and I’d certainly call her if I had half the taste for awkward conversation that Hansen does. But I hate the phone and don’t like talking to strangers and don’t really have any journalism instincts, so I’ll just let some other sociopath cold call her. Leave me alone, I’m introverted.

Anyway, before someone tries to quash our fun, OBVIOUSLY cheating on one’s wife with a consenting adult isn’t as bad as trying to F children. Which is probably the angle Hansen should take with his wife. “C’mon honey, it’s not like I was having sex with kids.”