Good news for former White House party crasher Tareq Salahi: his wife, former “Real Housewives of D.C.” cast member Michaele, has NOT been kidnapped as he originally feared. The bad news: she left him for Journey guitarist Neal Schon. From the LA Times:

Tareq reported Michaele missing very late Tuesday night, telling law enforcement that his wife had been gone for six hours, the North Virginia Daily reported. She’d called him from a cellphone with an Oregon number, he said, to tell him she was fine and on her way to her mom’s house… The former house-husband of D.C. told NBC that his wife’s “cryptic” behavior during the call made him think she was trying to convey a message to him in code.

She was. That coded message? “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.”

It seems Michaele had actually run off with Journey lead guitarist Neal Schon in Tennessee on Wednesday, according to TMZ, which got confirmation from the band’s rep that “nobody kidnapped her and they are in Memphis together.” [...] It was what the missus called an “intimate and passionate relationship,” the celeb website said.

Ouch. Tough break for Tareq. My advice to him: Don’t stop believin’ that your wife got kidnapped. HOLD ON TO THAT FEEL-AYYYYY-INNNNNN’.

Angry finger-pointer Bill O’Reilly is perhaps smarter than the average Fox News talking head, but he’s never come across as someone with a “conscience” or “soul” or “capable of human feeling.” So it’s not exactly a surprise that he tried to use the Nassau County Police Department as his own personal investigation unit in an attempt to dig up dirt on the police officer sleeping with his estranged wife, Maureen McPhilmy O’Reilly.

According to our source, [Inspector Neil] Delargy offered [Detective Richard] Harasym no justification for investigating the detective—who is unmarried—aside from the alleged infidelity. “The order was to investigate this detective not for any misdeeds,” the source said, “but to see if they could get anything on him. Delargy also told him to tell the detective to back off.”

Delargy told Harasym that the investigation was highly sensitive for two reasons, the source said: 1) It was ordered directly by then-police commissioner Lawrence Mulvey, and 2) O’Reilly was at the time considering making a major donation to the Nassau County Police Department Foundation, a private not-for-profit foundation Mulvey helped found in 2009 to raise money for construction of a planned $48 million police training facility at Nassau Community College. [Gawker]

What? That’s legal, right? If you and your wife get separated, and she starts dating a cop, you can dangle a couple million dollars to the police chief in order to get the cop investigated by internal affairs, right? That’s just capitalism, people. If you don’t like it, you must be one of those SOCIALISTS trying to get medical care.

Today’s top TV story: New York firefighter Taylor Murphy — Mr. March in the 2011 FDNY calendar — is charged with assault, criminal mischief, and criminal obstruction of breathing for allegedly beating his girlfriend Claudia Charriez — a transsexual model who made it to the semifinals on “America’s Next Top Model” before getting disqualified for being born with a penis — in front of the Flashdancers strip club two weeks ago. Take it away, New York Post:

[Charriez] told The Post yesterday the attack began when Murphy became jealous during their visit to the Times Square nudie bar, where several men asked her for a lap dance. ”A couple of guys saw me and wanted me to dance for them, ” she said. “Then the owner came up to me and asked if I wanted to work for him. [Murphy] said he thought I was flirting with those guys.”

They argued, and Murphy allegedly became violent on the sidewalk, shattering her cellphone on the ground and dragging her down the street by her hair, Charriez said. ”He pinned me into a telephone booth and strangled me, then let go and started crying.”

Like I always say, let he who hasn’t broken down into tears after strangling his tranny girlfriend in a telephone booth throw the first stone.

Read the rest of this entry »

Proposing to the woman you love is a terrifying experience. You get down on one knee in public, present a gem you’ve gone into debt for, and hope for the best-case scenario: having sex with only one woman for the rest of your life. The absolute LAST thing on the planet I’d want after that is to get grilled by a reporter like I’m a coach after losing a playoff game.

But that’s what happened to Josh Mullin, who proposed to girlfriend Ashley Baldwin when he arrived at the Kansas City airport on Thursday morning. Mullin’s act was inadvertently caught on camera by a KMBC news crew filming a segment on the cost of eating healthy at the airport. Reporter Brenda Washington, alerted to the situation by the cameraman, flagged the happy couple down, then told them they looked too young and asked to see the Ashley’s ring. GAHHHHH it’s brutal to watch. If I ever propose to a woman, it’s happening in a secluded broom closet. Or, if I’m being honest, a strip club.

[KMBC via The Daily What]

Care for a margarita?

Chris Hansen, who famously trapped aspiring pedophiles on NBC’s “To Catch a Predator,” has himself been caught on camera — cheating on his wife with a Florida TV reporter two decades younger than he is. The sting operation was carried out by the National Enquirer, so you can read all about it the next time you pick up groceries.

Hansen, 51, has allegedly been having an affair with Kristyn Caddell, a 30-year-old Florida journalist, for the last four months.

Last weekend he was recorded taking Miss Caddell on a romantic dinner at the exclusive Ritz-Carlton hotel in Manalapan, before spending the night at her Palm Beach apartment. [Fox]

Caddell (inset, left) wisely has her telephone number online, and I’d certainly call her if I had half the taste for awkward conversation that Hansen does. But I hate the phone and don’t like talking to strangers and don’t really have any journalism instincts, so I’ll just let some other sociopath cold call her. Leave me alone, I’m introverted.

Anyway, before someone tries to quash our fun, OBVIOUSLY cheating on one’s wife with a consenting adult isn’t as bad as trying to F children. Which is probably the angle Hansen should take with his wife. “C’mon honey, it’s not like I was having sex with kids.”