As if we needed further proof that devout Christians are terrible at making quality entertainment, here’s “The Real Housewives of the Bible,” a DVD that you can purchase online if you find Tyler Perry movies too racy. Created by religious sexpert Ty Adams, the series retells Bible stories to help modern women with their lives and marriages.

“If you want to find out about love, you go to the original manufacturer, you go to the blueprint. God himself is love and he understands relationships more than any of us and he understands how love operates more than any of us because he is love,” Adams added. “God is not as far away from your experiences and will understand. I think it’s an excellent opportunity for people to see how the Bible actually relates to everyday life.” [Fox News via Gawker TV]

My favorite Biblical wives are Lot’s wife (who got turned into a pillar of salt for looking over her shoulder) and Job’s wife, who God killed to test Job and then later replaced with a new wife. The everyday lessons for modern women: (1) obey or be turned into a condiment, and (2) your husband will be just as happy with a new wife. The Bible rules.

Earlier this week, Matt wrote about how the Mormon-owned KSL-TV NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City will refuse to air “Playboy Club” when it premieres in the fall. It’s either because they really hated Amber Heard in Drive Angry or, more likely, they believe they’re too pure to be associated with the Playboy brand.

But this isn’t the first time a religious group has gotten righteous and holier-than-thou over a TV show, and it certainly won’t be the last. Click through for ten other examples of TV versus religion. WHO’S YOUR MESSIAH NOW?

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Mark Burnett, who established himself as the biggest name in reality television with hits like “Survivor” and “The Voice” (not to mention “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”), will shift his focus to scripted TV with a ten-hour miniseries for History that will tell different stories from the Bible.

The series will have five two-hour parts, Mr. Burnett said, and each will probably contain two or three biblical stories. He and his team are selecting the stories for the series, he said [translation: they're reading the Bible for the first time], which will be in production through next year and shown in 2013.

“Some of the stories are obvious,” Mr. Burnett said, like Noah’s Ark, Exodus and accounts of the birth and death of Jesus. But the project will also cover stories that Mr. Burnett said he was unfamiliar with. [NYT]

Well, Mr. Burnett, I’d like to take this opportunity to familiarize you with the official version of Sodom and Gomorrah. Did you know that people used to have sex with rocks painted to look like God’s face?

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Below is a local news report from ABC’s Houston affiliate that investigates a Christian-themed pole-dancing class in Old Town Spring, Texas. It’s just like a regular pole-dancing class, except students dance to Christian music instead of Def Leppard or Pussycat Dolls.

“God gives us these bodies and they are suppose to be our temples and we are suppose to take care of them and that’s what we are doing,” instructor Crystal Dean said… ”I do feel a spiritual connection whenever you have the music on and it’s singing about lifting you up and being closer to God. You do feel that,” she said.

There are those who just can’t get past the stigma. ”In Gods eyes, it wouldn’t be attractive,” said nineteen-year-old Eric Purgason. Purgason’s family runs Lord and Nature, a Christian gift shop neighboring the Christian pole dancers. [ABC Local]

The Christian gift shop is next to the Christian pole dancers, across the street from the Christian organic food market, and caddie corner from the Christian taxidermy shop. It’s the heart of the Christian district.

Personally, I like to pretend that Golgotha was the first strip club. “Gentlemen, put your hands together! Please welcome to the center cross… JESUS OF NAZARETH!” And then Jesus comes out in his little loincloth to Nine Inch Nails. ….I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

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Uh oh, somebody ate at Taco Bell.

Discovery Channel is teaming up with the Catholic Church to create a reality show about exorcisms. With real exorcists. It’ll be kind of like “Ghost Hunters,” but approved by the Vatican. It’s always nice to get the official Catholic Church stamp of the approval, a pleasure that gays and abortion clinics will never know.

The Exorcist Files will recreate stories of real-life hauntings and demonic possession, based on cases investigated by the Catholic Church. The project includes access into the Vatican’s case files, as well as interviews with the organization’s top exorcists — religious experts who are rarely seen on television.

“The Vatican is an extraordinarily hard place to get access to, but we explained we’re not going to try to tell people what to think,” says Discovery president and GM Clark Bunting. [Inside TV]

Yeah, don’t try to tell people what to think, television! That’s religion’s job!

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