That’s one horny bus! Whatever, it’s Friday.

FRIDAY: Flashpoint (CBS) — I do nothing but read TV news all day, and this is the first I’ve heard of this show.  In tonight’s episode, “an unstable couple who gave up their baby for adoption several months ago kidnap their child from the adoptive parents and flee in a stolen car.”  I wish my real parents had cared that much.

Friday Night Lights (NBC) — As discussed earlier, tonight is the season 3 finale.

Howie Do It (NBC) — Is there some kind of grander gesture I can make than a gigantic wanking motion?  Something that more accurately displays my contempt for this?  Ah, here we go.

DogTown (National Geographic) — No Z-boys this week.

The Killing Floor (TMC) — “Don’t let the name throw you, Jimmy. It’s not really a floor, it’s more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.”

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Unaware of standard literary poses, Michaels thoughtfully puts his glasses in his nostril

“Rock of Love” star Bret Michaels, eager to sate America’s thirst for more Bret Michaels, has “written” Roses & Thorns, the new autobiography that comes out on June 23rd.  People has a first look at the cover.

According to a rep for Michaels, the book… will take readers through the rocker’s humble upbringing in Harrisburg, Pa. (where he struggled with childhood diabetes), his wild ride with Poison, the car crashes that nearly took his life, and the 10-year journey to reinvent himself on VH1′s top-rated show.

Hmmm… a ten-year journey to get to “Rock of Love.”  I’d say that’s about nine years and 364 days of drinking gin on the couch before walking into a pitch meeting and saying, “It’s like ‘The Bachelor,’ but with me and tattooed skanks.”

Megan Hauserman, the reality show vixen* lovingly rendered in this tattoo, is suing Sharon Osbourne for an altercation that happened in December while filming the “Rock of Love Charm School” reunion special.  (As you may recall, viewer nostalgia ran so high when “Rock of Love Charm School” ended that VH1 had no choice but to do a reunion.)  (That was a lie.)

Megan Hauserman’s suit filed Monday in Los Angeles claims battery, negligence and intentional infliction of emotional distress. She seeks a jury trial and punitive damages… The suit claims Osbourne hit Hauserman, pulled her hair and scratched her.

You can watch the confrontation here.  Basically, Osbourne said Hauserman should get spayed (true), Hauserman returned the sentiment (true) and added that Osbourne is only famous because of Ozzy (also true).  Then Sharon threw a drink on her, security intervened, and everyone in the studio acted as if Sharon just liberated Vichy France from the Nazis.  It was, as VH1 called it at the time, “Sunday.”

*skank

Megan Hauserman is a former Playboy Cybergirl who won the the third season of “Beauty and the Geek” before gorging on the teat of VH1 — she competed in “Rock of Love: Season 2,” “I Love Money,” and “Rock of Love Charm School.”

In other words, she’s just the kind of scholar and patriot that upstanding young Americans should be getting tattooed on their upper arms.

[This] is, from what we understand, a very real expression of one man’s love for VH1’s own Megan Hauserman. At last, fan behavior that out-does the ridiculousness of reality TV! This is where we’re progressing as a viewership, people. The owner of this fine inkwork is one Eddie who lives in Estero, Florida (per his MySpace). Megan tells us that he owns two Lily-esque Chihuahuas named, of course, Lily and Megan. Frankly, she seems thrilled to have a dog named after her. Go figure.

I appreciate Eddie’s honesty.  He knows who he is, what his expectations in life are.  Big-name talented celebrities are out of his stalking league.  Even Playboy centerfolds are a little too good for him.  But that one girl who got naked on the Web and was on all those reality shows?  That’s a woman he can really get a restraining order from.

[via Best Week Ever]