HOLY CRAP. Not that anyone outside of the morons in Times Square actually watches more than a minute of it, but the New Year’s Eve specials this year are TERRIBLE. I mean, they’re terrible every year, but they seem particularly terrible this year. Or should I say next year? Hi-yo!

That’s the kind of joke you should expect from your esteemed New Year’s Eve hosts, like Carson Daly (with special guests Tony Bennett and Jessie J) on NBC, or Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest (with blink-182, LMFAO, will.i.am., and other kids these days with their obnoxiously spelled groups) on ABC, or whoever’s hosting “American Country New Year’s Live” on FOX. Garth Brooks, probably. Not to mention just everything on MTV.

You dead-eyed it, Fry. So, my question to you on this dreadfully slow news day: if you could choose anyone (or anything) to host a New Year’s Eve special, who would it be? Would you go the obvious route and pick Alison Brie? Would you reunite the casts of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” or “Party Down” to do the honors? How about a group of corgis stacked on top of another one in a trench coat? Hell, I’d pay to see that. My choice is…

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Ryan Seacrest Productions has already blessed us with the M*A*S*H and Cheers of this generation (“Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami” and “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated” respectively… or is it the other way around), and their next project promises to be our new Fame; E! is piloting a show about dancers and choregraphers that co-stars Lady Gaga… ‘s choreographer Laurie Ann Gibson.

Gibson choreographed Gaga’s videos for “LoveGame,” “Paparazzi,” and “Telephone,” and last year developed a routine for “So You Think You Can Dance.”  If green-lit, the show will cast seven attractive teens, strip them to their underwear, and make them fight it Illuminati imagery until they’ve all doused themselves in fake blood and melodramatically died.  It’s like Battle Royale, but gay and about 17 minutes long with commercials.

If you are interested in crying about life’s basic tasks during a commercial bumper, please contact Ryan Seacrest Productions for more information.

A&E has ordered a show from Ryan Seacrest’s production company called “The Incurables.” I based my headline and the banner photo on the assumption that it’s about people with terminal illnesses like cancer and full-blown AIDS.

The cable network, home of such docu series about afflictions asIntervention, Obsessed and Hoarders, has ordered a pilot for The Incurables, which will offer a look into the lives of ordinary people on the verge of a personal crisis over their irrational behavior.

Each 60-minute episode would feature [British self-help guru Paul] McKenna trying to help two ‘incurable’ people with different psychological and/or physical conditions using his transformation techniques. Examples include the uncontrollable shouting and bizarre facial tics of a man suffering from Tourettes Syndrome and the shocking sight of a woman pulling out and eating her own hair (Tricotilla Mania). [Deadline]

Aw, dammit. That messes up my headline. The Incurables are actually curable? That’s crap. I want a show where the doctors come in and are like, “Well, not much we can do now but make sure he’s comfortable.” Then the last twenty minutes of the show is slow-motion shots of the family crying. Coming to ABC next fall!

Ryan Seacrest has signed a contract extension for “American Idol” that will pay him $45 million over the next three years.  Wow.  I wonder what it’s like to know you’ll definitely have a job two years from now.  Oh yeah, and the money’s good, too.  I guess.

Under the pact, which is believed to be the richest ever for a reality host, Seacrest will be exclusive to CKX in broadcast TV primetime to host “Idol” or any CKX-produced show that might succeed it.

The pact, which had been in the works for the past several weeks, gives Seacrest a gigantic pay raise, more than trippling [sic] his previous salary of slightly less than $5 million per season.  [Hollywood Reporter]

Good Lord.  I can’t even pretend to understand.  Don’t get me wrong, Seacrest is one handsome midget, and he’s very good at a job that’s much harder than it looks (hosting live television in primetime).  But $15 million good?  I dunno.  I feel like the “American Idol” cast is getting more and more like the New York Yankees.  And not like the Babe Ruth-Lou Gehrig all-time great Yankees.  The Johnny Damon-Carl Pavano Yankees.

When Ryan Seacrest was rumored to be dating Teri Hatcher, it cemented my notion that the well-dressed hosting elf was most certainly gay.  She’s old and haggy and the kind of star one would only “date” just to get some additional publicity.  However, when he goes around with anonymous hot ass, well… maybe he’s gettin’ a little somethin’ out of it, y’know? **makes fellatio motion**

ANYWAY, Seacrest is now dating upscale bartender/low-rent actress Jasmine Waltz.  You may remember her from such cinema classics as TV: The Movie and Cheerleader Massacre 2.  People says:

Seacrest, 34, met Waltz during a night out at Guy’s, a West Hollywood lounge, a source tells PEOPLE.  “They’ve been together for a few months now,” says the source.

After wrapping his American Idolduties last week, Seacrest whisked Waltz off to Paris for a weekend where the couple displayed a lot of PDA.

Ryan must have wooed her with some pretty sweet fancy talk over there.  “I love Paris in the spring — there are so many great sales.  Let’s go SHOPPING!!!”  And then they got nasty with his black AmEx.  Because I still kinda think of him as gay.  Sorry, Ryan.