Despite a successful first season by viewing standards, TLC and Sarah Palin have elected not to make a second season of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” And no, I suppose “not renewing” isn’t the same thing as “canceling,” but I’m sticking with that headline just the same. Even if it is an OBFUSCATION OF THE TRUTH BY THE LIBERAL MEDIA!

Insiders admit that Palin seemed to enjoy doing the show more than she expected, in spite of the bad press that it generated. But it makes sense why Palin wouldn’t want to commit to another season: If she and her family chose to shoot more episodes, it would surely be interpreted as a sign that she had no plans to run for office. By not doing a second round, Palin would spare TLC the trouble of having to provide her fellow candidates with equal-access time of their own in the event she did decide to run. [Inside TV]

I enjoy that reasoning: a second season of a reality show would tell people that Palin’s not interested in running for office.

And of course TLC doesn’t want to provide equal airtime to all the candidates. The Obamas only have two children — that’s like one-third the bare minimum for a TLC show.

While there are those saying that Sarah Palin’s foray into televised hunting has only served to further tarnish her image as a true-to-life hunter and legitimate killer of things, that doesn’t mean she can’t impart what little actual knowledge of living off nature that she has onto the next generation of rusticated dimwits. And so in a TV crossover worthy of The Flintstones meets The Jetsons, Palin welcomes Kate Gosselin and her brood on the next episode of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” for some basic wilderness training. And, shock of shocks, Kate turns out to annoy everyone.

Then Kate and her kids land at the campsite. Quickly, Kate proves to be a bigger pill than a horse tranquilizer.

“I’m not worrying about bears right now,” she is soon grousing. “I’m just worried about keeping my toes wiggling ’cause they’re freezing.”

Sarah, daughters Piper and Willow, husband Todd and other family members seem to be having a blast. So, for that matter, are Kate’s youngsters.

“The kids are having fun, so I’m tolerating it, but this is my new home,” grumbles Kate, having sullenly planted herself, apart from the rest, beneath a tarp. “I am miserable, but, I mean, somebody’s got to be.”

That’s a good martyrdom complex. At least if you’re one of eight siblings, you have a fighting chance not to be the miserable one in that household. Though it should be for captivating television years from now when they can film the day when the other seven kids, now grown up, finally decide to free the outcast from his manacles in the basement.

Hey, remember when we were all crazy about Bristol Palin getting so far on “Dancing with the Stars”? Heady times, indeed. According to Margaret Cho, who was the third contestant eliminated this season, Bristol was only there because her mother forced her. Cho writes:

Sarah supposedly blames Bristol harshly and openly (in the circles that I heard it from) for not winning the election, and so she told Bristol she “owed” it to her to do DWTS so that “America would fall in love with her again” and make it possible for Sarah Palin to run in 2012 with America behind her all the way. Instead of being supposedly “handicapped” by the presence of her teen mom daughter, now Bristol is going to be an “asset” – a celebrity beloved for her dancing. [via E!]

Obviously, I have no way of verifying anything in that paragraph, but I can definitely attest to its hilarity. I like the idea of a parent not getting an open job and then blaming her child. “America loved me until YOU got pregnant, slut! Now DANCE! Dance, I say!” And then she laughed maniacally while flames spurted from the ground near her feet. True story.

There are many, many animated GIFs that I love more than my own family. Snooki getting punched is probably #1 all time. “The Amazing Race’s” watermelon in the face is a joyous miracle of accidental violence. There’s a special place in my heart for the bloody corpse stranglebation on “Dexter.” And, of course, I’d be remiss not to acknowledge Alison Brie’s accomplishments in this field of animation.

But this — THIS! — GIF from last night’s “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” is an instant classic. It’s perfect: simple and hypnotic, yet also poignant in its own way. I’ve seen it about 500 times (honest estimate) over the course of writing these two paragraphs, which makes it officially the longest I’ve ever watched Sarah Palin.

[Bad TV Blog via BuzzFeed]

Despite clomping around the stage like a horse in spandex, Bristol Palin — the only “Dancing with the Stars” contestant lazy and undisciplined enough to gain weight on the show — made the finals of “DWTS” when the talented and graceful Brandy was voted off. The injustice will be particularly bad news for Steven Cowan, the 66-year-old Wisconsin man who blasted a hole in his TV with a shotgun while watching Palin dance.

[Steven] Cowan, 66, allegedly became so enraged by Palin’s success that he actually fired a shotgun round into his television, triggering a 15-hour standoff with Wisconsin cops…

As Palin was dancing [Monday night], Cowan “jumped up and swore, saying something to the effect of, ‘The f*cking politics.’ Steven was upset that a political figure’s daughter was dancing on this particular show when Steven did not think that she was a good dancer,” the complaint notes.

He was sitting in the Dane County jail last night when Palin landed a spot in the “Dancing with the Stars” finals. However, a sheriff’s spokesperson told TSG that Cowan “currently does not have access to television.” [The Smoking Gun]

Cowan’s not alone in his feelings: the audience booed when Palin made the finals last night, and frankly I hope this sinks the entire GD franchise. Hey, you f*cking assh*les making decisions about TV: keep the politics out of my entertainment. That means f*ck your stupid Bristol Palin/The Situation abstinence PSA (video below), f*ck PBS for cutting Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin jokes, and f*ck Tina Fey for needing to tell political jokes. F*ck all your stupid politics. I don’t even like it when Nucky Thompson talks about the election on “Boardwalk Empire,” and that’s politics from 90 years ago. Everyone can just go get bent.

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