Just about everything is in reruns tonight. Maybe think about reading a book or something.

Saturday Night Live Presents: A Very Gilly Christmas (NBC) – A rerun from last year featuring a bunch of the show’s Christmas sketches. “A Very Gilly Christmas” sounds more like a threat than anything else.

Who’s Still Standing? (NBC) – I have nothing to say about this new trivia contest except this: I would annihilate every person on this show. Every single one of them. That’s not me being cocky, either. That is A FACT. You should see me when I play Trivial Pursuit. Total bloodbath.

Larry the Cable Guy’s Star-Studded Christmas Celebration (Comedy Central) – Nope.

Chopped (Food Network) – It says tonight the contestants have to include marmalade in their appetizers, rabbit in their entrees, and vanilla ice cream in their desserts? What?! I could do that. There better be a secret ingredient like sardines or a gallon of orange soda, or I’m going to be extremely disappointed.

Flor Salvaje (Telemundo) – I put this show’s TV Guide summary through an online translator, and it spit out, “A young woman comes to an oil village and begins to work in a cabaret in order to keep her sisters. There she is converted to a strong woman and capable of defending what she loves most in life.” This sounds better than anything on American television tonight. By a LONG SHOT. Working in an oil village cabaret sounds like something they’d threaten you with if you weren’t holding your own at a classier establishment. “DAMMIT DENISE! You better start hitting your marks, or so help me God you’ll be working in an OIL VILLAGE CABARET by this time next week!”

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Harry Connick, Jr. and Scott van Pelt on Letterman; Robin Wright on Ferguson; Charles Barkley and Berenice Bejo on Leno; Tom Cruise on Fallon; Patton Oswalt and comedian Joe Mande on Conan. So, yeah. Just watch Conan.

Daniel Radcliffe — aka Harry Potter, aka the sixth richest actor in Hollywood, aka Entertainment Weekly’s Entertainer of the Year, aka notorious Broadway dancer groupie, aka alcoholic – is set to host “Saturday Night Live” on January 14th, three weeks ahead of his new movie, The Woman in Black, the movie that will introduce pediophobia to a new generation of teenagers. It’s not Radcliffe’s first stab at comedy — he was featured in Ricky Gervais’ “Extras” back in 2006 as a 16-year-old chain smoker. But this is “SNL,” and “SNL” chews up even great comedic talents, so I wouldn’t expect much from his turn as host. I’m not sure what direction the writers will take, though I suspect a Harry Potter versus Twilight skit will take shape, and maybe they’ll exploit the creepy sexual obsession a lot of middle waged women seem to have with Radcliffe. He’ll probably also cross dress, because apparently that’s what British people do for laughs, although if you try it here in America, GLAAD will sic its minions on you.

The good news for Radcliffe is that he’ll be following Charles Barkley, who will host the January 7th episode, and after that, I’m sure anyone would look favorable by comparison. Fun Fact: The last time Charles Barkley hosted, Nirvana was the musical guest. Nine months later, Kurt Cobain blew his brains out. COINCIDENCE? I think not.

It was like 2000 all over again. Jimmy Fallon hosted “SNL” this past weekend and he brought along with him callbacks to his older skits (Barry Gibb! Cowbell!), as well as Rachel Dratch, Horatio Sanz, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Will Arnett, and Jude Law (for some reason), for one of the show’s most enjoyable episodes in years. The cast’s energy level, inspired by Fallon’s infectiously gleeful presence, was extremely high, and everyone brought their A-game.

Fallon actually made for a better host than he ever did repertory player. Too often during his seven-season run on “SNL” from 1998-2004, he inadvertently hogged the spotlight — not just because of the mid-sketch giggling, although that didn’t help, but because he naturally (and unintentionally) mugged to the camera. That’s why he, and people like Conan, make for good talk show hosts; they need the attention on them, and they’re not afraid to do something and look silly for a cheap laugh. But this only works if the spotlight’s supposed to be on you and only you, not you and everyone else you’re acting with. On Saturday, it was all about Jimmy.

Just the best — no mention of the dumb “don’t make me sing/dance” sketch — on the following pages.

Read the rest of this entry »

If you’re ordinary, and you love Christmas, I have just the spot for you. It’s called Granny’s Fancy Kitchen Table. Opened and subsequently condemned in 1976 after a knife fight between burn victims, Granny’s Fancy Kitchen Table is a creation of Fatty Urkles. This place has everything: Ghoulish depictions of Americana, nine-year-old pimps disguised as a wholesome American family, an old man who’s not wearing pants and, of course, Spud Webb. And look who just walked in: Tranny Griffith carrying a hollowed-out turkey full of drugs, condom balloons, and lubricant. Don’t be fooled by the holiday setting: Underneath the table there’s an orgy of midgets, gimps, sunburn drifters and gay scientists swimming in a kiddie pool full of mashed potatoes, gravy, and the severed limbs of melted Barbie dolls. It’s just the place to capture the holiday spirit.

(Buzzfeed via Burnsy)

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – From Access Hollywood: “‘There were a lot of [skit] pitches about my boobs,’ Katy told Access Hollywood on Thursday. ‘I was cool about that, but I’m not sure all of it [got] in. So we’ll see.’” Wait. I know she’s married to Russell Brand… but who’s the other boob she’s talking about? BAZINGA! [finger guns]

Luck (HBO, Sunday) – HBO’s horse racing drama by David Milch (“Deadwood”) and Michael Mann (“Miami Vice,” Heat) debuts on Sunday night with a sneak peek weeks before it’s actual start. I would have put this up top, but I really didn’t want a giant picture of Dustin Hoffman at the top of the page all weekend. But it does look promising.

Boardwalk Empire (HBO, Sunday) – After last week’s Full Oedipus, I’m not sure exactly where else there is to go. Poison someone with hemlock? BAZINGA AGAIN! [Greek finger guns]

Boss (Starz, Friday) – The season finale of the Kelsey Grammer political drama. This show is really fun if you close your eyes and imagine Sideshow Bob never got run out of office for voter fraud.

Snowmageddon (Syfy, Saturday) – When we had that “Snowmageddon” thing in real life a couple years ago, I guaranteed that it would become both a band name and a movie within five years. I’m well on my way to rubbing THAT in some people’s stupid faces.

The Simpsons (FOX, Sunday) – The show’s Christmas episode flashes forward to 2041, when “The Simpsons” is still on the air, I imagine.

The Good Wife (CBS, Sunday) – I interned and/or hung around at a couple law firms, and no one drank as much midday scotch as they do on this show, or other lawyer shows. I was lied to. I demand a full refund of my legal education.

Dexter/Homeland (Showtime, Sunday) – I was actually upset when I heard “Homeland” was really good, because it means there’s now another show I have to start watching or get yelled at about. I’M DOING ALL I CAN AND BY “ALL I CAN” I MEAN WATCHING KIND OF A LOT OF THE FOOD CHANNEL GEEZ.

Read the rest of this entry »