HO. LEE. CRAP.

So the “Rockumentary” episode of “Saved by the Bell” was on TBS the other morning. As I was watching it, I came to the realization that I know just about all the words to all the songs by the fictional band Zack Attack. I’m ok with this. After the episode, I took the ol’ Google box to see if I could find a clip from the episode to post on my Twitter, because, well, that’s what I do. Instead, I came upon this — the “Saved by the Bell” soundtrack, for sale on Amazon. If scientists ever figure out a way to turn WANT into an alternative energy source, I could have fueled the space program for a decade. But then… oh no…

ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS?! Holy mother of God. Look, I’m as big a nostalgic ’90s-/Kelly Kapowski-loving sap as there is in the world, but even I have enough self-respect to not blow $100+ on this. Maybe after a couple dozen drinks I could convince myself to get a used copy for $32, but come on, Amazon. You’re killing me here.

One additional note: Do yourself a favor and scroll down to the first review. Amazon user “aizjanika ‘veggie33′” has broken it down by track, with an explanation and personal take on each song, as well as a wish list of songs that weren’t included. Sample quote, “4. Love Me Now — This is a song from the “Rockumentary” episode. This is the song that Zack wrote with Mindy. The rest of the gang was not enthusiastic about this song–neither am I!” I love the Internet so much sometimes.

Below: “Friends Forever.” Don’t act like you don’t know the words.

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The '90s. Oy.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the greatest sentence in journalism history, via the Chicago Tribune:

Police were called last week to Mullets Sports Bar & Restaurant in Homer Glen to deal with an angry customer who allegedly shattered a framed photo of A.C. Slater, a fictional, mullet-wearing jock played by Mario Lopez in the 1990s television series “Saved by the Bell.”

Everything about that is perfect. Mullets. The sports bar in Homer Glen. And especially the shattered photo of A.C. Slater. That guy was a dick.

“I just don’t like Slater,” the man reportedly told the owner after allegedly yanking the photo from its place of pride above a urinal and smashing it on the floor… The man left after another person gave the bar owner $11 for the broken frame, according to a Will County sheriff’s police account.

This drunk man is a hero. “Saved by the Bell” is filled with awful, unlikable stereotypes, but Slater was easily the worst. Just look at this douche:

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But what about cricket? India is not a good sports environment (written by Burnsy). [With Leather]

Needs more sex and violence. Sesame Street’s parody of “True Blood.”  [Smoking Section]

Justin Bieber + Torture Porn. This video is great, but it didn’t go quite the way I wanted it to. [FilmDrunk]

Where were you when it happened? This Twitter retrospective of Facebook’s crash is hilarious. [Gamma Squad]

For ‘Saved by the Bell’ fans: If you haven’t discovered it already, there’s a new Tumblr feed you need to follow. Inset photo is easily my favorite screencap so far. [LOLSlater]

Good read for ‘Mad Men’ fans: Solid piece on Jon Hamm and the late arrival of fame for him. [Guardian UK]

Good read for ‘Community’ fans: Dan Harmon breaks down all the pop culture references in last night’s season premiere. [NY Mag]

You’re welcome, Ken Jennings. Jelisa Castrodale, a friend and commenter to some of my favorite blogs, was the “Jeopardy!” contestant who unseated six-time champ Roger Craig. Here’s her story. [Out of Bounds]

TL;DR – 11,000 words on “Eastbound & Down.” [VICE]

Fantasy of the Week! “Caprica’s” Alessandra Torressani on her girl crush, Alison Brie: “We want to do some crazy photo shoot together. Her husband on Mad Men is hot, too. I want to be their mistress. They can share me.” [suicideblonde]

And the GIF of the Week comes from… Danger Guerrero! Check out his Ten Random Thoughts on “Boardwalk Empire.” Although if they’re put in numerical order, are they really still random? [Steel Clink Alcatraz]

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This, my friends, is why the Internet was invented: it’s a clip from “The Wonder Years” in which Kevin (Fred Savage) thinks he’s got some adolescent tail lined up, only to suffer the shock and embarrassment of Mark-Paul Gosselaar swooping in and stealing his date (via BuzzFeed).

Actually, if you think about the different time periods of “The Wonder Years” and “Saved by the Bell,” it’s conceivable that Gosselaar is playing Zach Morris’s father in this clip. Oh man, I bet Zach Morris’s dad has some STORIES to tell. And they all involve Qualuudes and more untamed bush than the Congolese jungle.

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This is a pretty good College Humor short that shows how crappy and depressing all the Very Special Episodes of sitcoms were in the ’80s and ’90s. I agree with the premise: why did that happen? All I wanted was a little sass from the Fresh Prince; why did he have to get re-abandoned by his father?

The only thing I can nitpick about this is the “Saved by the Bell” episode where Jesse Spano gets hooked on caffeine pills. Elizabeth Berkley’s delivery of “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so… scared” is one of the funniest moments in television history. It’s like looking at a window into the future: for the briefest moment, you can see the true acting chops of the woman who would go on to star in Showgirls. If you squint really hard while you watch that clip, you can almost see her flailing around in a pool with Kyle MacLachlan.