As you surely know, Sunday night marked the beginning of Discovery’s annual Shark Week, and what better way to celebrate a ratings-grabbing TV event than by drinking yourself blind? This Shark Week drinking game is sure to get you loaded on rule #3 alone — the clip we posted yesterday was two straight minutes of Australian accent. But if I had my way, I’d add one more rule: take a drink every time they display the scars or amputation nub of a shark attack survivor. (For the handful of readers out there who don’t drink, I’ve included a Shark Week corgi below to brighten your day.)

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The Bachelorette (ABC) — The conclusion of the two-part season finale. I haven’t seen a lick of this show, so I’ll just guess that a white lady in a $5,000 dress and hair extensions gives a white guy a flower and then everyone cries. Do I win? I think I win.

Hell’s Kitchen (FOX) — At this point, there’s not a jury in the land that would convict you if you bashed Gordon Ramsay in the head with a pineapple. That’s not legal advice. Just an observation.

Hoarders/Intervention (A&E) — I just want to remind all of you that “A&E” is short for “Arts and Entertainment.” I’m not sure which category addiction and debilitating mental conditions fall into, but I’ll let you know once I figure it out.

Rogue Sharks/Summer of the Shark (Discovery) — FACT: Every show title during Shark Week also works as a name for a metal band. I would buy a Rogue Sharks CD sound unheard.

Weeds (Showtime) — I haven’t seen any of this show either, so I’ll go with “A pretty lady sells drugs with her shirt off.” I won again, didn’t I? I’m good at this game.

Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) — TNT should do a “Rizzoli & Isles”/”Franklin & Bash” crossover arc where they do a bunch of stuff by their own rules and then bone.

Conan (TBS) — I’m giving this one it’s own slot instead of busting it down below because his guests are Harrison Ford (fresh off his trippy appearance on Letterman) and Marissa Miller (who wore this dress when she was on in November). OK!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Howel Mandel and the Bachelorette lady on Kimmel; James Franco and Diana Agron on Letterman; Ferguson’s in Paris so I’ll guess “a talking rat that can cook really well”; Ryan Reynolds on Leno; Lou Dobbs (?) on Fallon; Freida Pinto (!) on The Daily Show.

As I’m sure you all know, last night marked the beginning of Shark Week on Discovery — a solid seven days of ocean-based terror and excitement. This year, Discovery tapped Andy Samberg of “Saturday Night Live” and The Lonely Island as host, which I think is a pretty cool idea. Hopefully he’ll be able to add a little levity to the proceedings, because HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS this clip gave me like a zillion panic attacks. In it, some shark scientist* paddleboards in shallow water with a great white swimming below him. On purpose. From EW:

“He relies on his expertise, 20 years of working with [great] white sharks, and was extremely confident about it — he knew the sharks wouldn’t knock him off the board. That’s what I was hoping for, ” Kurr jokes. “We did some serious last-minute training on that paddleboard to make that scene come off. But it was with a point, it wasn’t to be a stunt. It was for him to again show that the white sharks are not these crazy killing machines that are gonna attack everything. People are paddleboarding with them all the time and they don’t even know it. We saw that from helicopters looking down along the coastline. Just fly over the beach in Malibu any July day and look down, and you’re gonna see white sharks with the people. People are happily paddleboarding and white sharks are going right under their boards. If white sharks wanted to come in close to shore and kill us all, they could do it very easily because they’re there, and they’re there in increasing numbers. But they don’t.

Oh, ok then. There are tons of sharks swimming underneath us in the ocean that could murder the crap out of us anytime they want, but they totally don’t. Except when they do. Got it. I hate it when people do this. “Sharks don’t mean to kill humans. Sometimes they just mistake surfboards and paddleboards for seals. That’s why they attack.” Oh, that makes me feel better. My life is in the fins of a giant dinosaur with razor-sharp teeth who is too stupid to tell the difference between its favorite food and a piece of fiberglass. That would be like choosing to work as an assistant for a knife-thrower who routinely eats wax fruit by mistake. No thank you to all of that, sir or madam.

Video and bonus TV pitch after the jump.

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The face of Spike TV, before reruns of CSI

Much like the claim that “Saturday Night Live” and “The Simpsons” aren’t as good as they used to be, complaining about MTV’s transition from round-the-clock music videos to “Jersey Shore” has gone from legitimate gripe to tired cliché. Yes, it kind of sucks, but networks have to evolve, and sometimes — often, actually — that can be a good thing (it can also be terrible, but usually, good!) Below are seven examples of major American channels that began as one idea before eventually changing into something completely different.

Don’t worry, it involves communists and boobs.

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Sixteen pictures of dogs wearing shark costumes. If this was the only link I provided in this post, I’d still consider it a successful link dump. [BuzzFeed]

Five Comic Books You’re Not to Cool to Love. Well, actually, I am too cool to love Daredevil. But props to this list for Ex Machina and Y: The Last Man. [The Smoking Section]

Breaking news about condoms! As opposed to news about breaking condoms, which would be much more depressing. Check out Burnsy’s latest. [UPROXX]

Six Things to Know About ‘Dark Blue’ Star Tricia Helfer. Plus a seventh: I would drink a gallon of her pee just to get close to where it came from. [TV Squad]

DUN-DUN. Check out this collection of “Law & Order”-inspired art. My favorite is the diorama by Brandon Bird (inset). [Animal NY]

What was wrong with camping? TV shows have inspired children’s summer camps, with camps modeled after “CSI,” “Survivor,” “MythBusters,” and “The Apprentice.” Send your kids to these camps, and in a couple summers they can go to one modeled after “The Biggest Loser.” [Wall Street Journal]

Of course they did. TLC renewed “DC Cupcakes” for a second season. [Washington Post]

Don’t even respond. Former “American Idol” contestant Kristy Lee Cook battles with PETA over her new hunting show, “Goin’ Country.” [FOX 411]