Shark Bites (Discovery Channel) — Craig Ferguson goes diving with sharks — without the benefit of a cage. Embedded below is an “Early Show” interview with Ferguson about the special. By the way, who writes the onscreen copy for that show?  ”Fearless Ferguson’s Fierce Fish Fable”? Yeah, good job with the alliteration, but next time check your dictionary. He’s a talk show host swimming with sharks, not the boy who cried wolf. PLUS: Shark Week, the Cliffs Notes version.

Tosh.0 (Comedy Central) — The secret ingredient is racist jokes.

Criss Angel: Mindfreak (A&E) — Season premiere. Criss Angel is why people still use “gay” as a derogatory term. Because everything about this show is gay. Not homosexual-gay, just bad-gay. I have a theory: if we chained cement blocks to Criss Angel and dropped him into the ocean, people would stop calling stupid things gay, thus promoting equality and tolerance. I think it’s worth a try.

Dark Blue (TNT) — Season premiere. Dylan McDermott is a cop; Tricia Helfer is a sexy FBI agent. No one gets naked.

Plain Jane (The CW) — I watched the premiere last week, and it was actually pretty good despite some typical reality TV overproduction. But last week’s Plain Jane was definitely a skinny girl with big boobs hiding behind baggy clothes and bad hair. It was straight out of Not Another Teen Movie. “She’s got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she’s got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there’s no way she could be prom queen!”

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Ultimate Air Jaws / Into the Shark Bite (Discovery, Sunday) — These two one-hour programs kick off Shark Week. And you know what they say:

Rubicon (AMC, Sunday) — Series premiere. Yes, the premiere episode has already been shown twice, but AMC is going to show it again with the not-yet-seen second episode as a lead-in to “Mad Men.” I wasn’t completely wowed by the premiere, but I’m going to stick with it and hope that the slow build leads to a gratifying payoff. Kinda like taking your time when masturbating.

Best Food Ever (TLC, Saturday) — The punctuation for this show is all wrong. It should be “Best. Food. EVER!”

Pit Boss (Animal Planet, Saturday) — I wonder if casino pit bosses are upset that they’re being portrayed as dwarf ex-convicts who work with dogs.

Late Show with David Letterman (CBS, Friday) — Madonna and Harry Connick Jr are the guests, making this the can’t miss late-night show of 1990. Just the way CBS’s viewers like it.

Next Food Network Star (Food, Sunday) — The aspiring Guy Fieris cook for Eva Longoria. Nothing about that sentence is remotely enticing.

Ice Road Truckers (History, Sunday) — Featured this week: the truckers drive on icy roads.

Business Shark just wants Casual Friday to come around

Shark Week doesn’t start until August 1st, but Discovery Networks’ headquarters building in Silver Spring, Maryland is already decked out in honor of the channel’s biggest week, which will be hosted by Craig Ferguson this year.

The word on the street is that there will be six completely new specials on sharks this year — none of which, sadly, will feature Sharktopus. Personally, I’m still hoping for a game show where people win the right to throw cats into a shark tank. And if you think that sounds cruel, don’t worry, the cats are wearing fish costumes.

[more pics at BuzzFeed]

This is the cold open to last night’s “Late Late Show,” in which Craig Ferguson announces via hand puppet that he’ll be the host of Discovery Channel’s Shark Week this year. I always like hearing big news from hand puppets; it’s how I learned I wasn’t a virgin any more. Thanks, Uncle Jasper!

(image via)

Monk (USA) – The season premiere of the eighth and final season. I feel badly for the fans of this show with OCD once it goes off the air. No, wait, that’s “I feel bad” for them. Feeling badly means I’m bad at feeling, which I am, put that’s not my message here. Or is it “I’ll feel bad”? I don’t feel bad yet, but I will when the show is over. Good grammar. Must have good grammar. Should I have put a semicolon there?

Blood in the Water (Discovery) – A look at the 1916 New Jersey shark attack that inspired Jaws, with commentary and reenactments, even when they scurry around to find a bigger boat.

Surviving Suburbia (ABC) – I did it, so can you!

Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO) – Arianna Huffington appears on the show to dine on aborted fetuses with Maher in celebration of Sonia Sotomayor’s swearing in as an associate justice on the Supreme Court. I kid, I kid. They’ll only drink their blood.

Whale Wars (Animal Planet) - I cheated you out of your Nuke the Whales poster last week, but I won’t make the same mistake twice. Whatever it takes to see ourselves through this deadly conflict.

It’s been fun pretending to know anything about television for a week. Your fearless leader Ufford returns Monday