On last night’s “Dancing with the Stars” finale, America named Shawn Johnson the winner, even though she was clearly the third-best finalist and probably shouldn’t have been in the finals at all (Lil’ Kim was robbed last week).  But America doesn’t care that Shawn Johnson has pygmy arms and legs that are incapable of expressing anything through dance; America just likes that she’s cute as a button and was an Olympic gymnast.

Second and third place went to Gilles Marini and Melissa Rycroft, respectively.  I finally found out who Marini is: I guess he’s “famous” for being naked in the Sex and the City movie?  He was easily the best dancer, but let’s face it: we don’t want no Frog with a girl’s name taking our disco ball reality TV trophies.

As for Rycroft, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader turned “Bachelor” loser turned last-second replacement on “DWTS”… she at least made the world a better place.  By revealing her abdomen every episode.  Holy crap that’s a hot body.  Can you have sex with a belly button?  I kinda wanna try it now.

(These pics of Marini and Cheryl Burke aren’t new, but they’re all I’ve got on short notice.  I was gonna get a bunch of screen caps, but I “overslept” all the way to 6:55 a.m.  I hate you, Pacific time zone.)

On Monday night’s “Dancing with the Stars,” Shawn Johnson and her partner Mark Ballas did the Lindy Hop, and Deadspin suggested that maybe Ballas had gotten an erection during the dance.  As evidence, the site provided a photo someone had snapped of their non-HD TV screen.  That right there is some hard-hittin’ wild speculation, Internet-style.

So what do I do?  I download the special player from ABC.com so I can watch the episode in HD, and I spend several minutes watching ballroom dancing and staring at the crotch of a man wearing short-shorts.  One of the real perks of the job.

Anyway, no need to call “To Catch a Predator,” as my repeated viewings and close inspection lead me to conclude that Ballas didn’t have a boner.  Believe me, I know boners.  Er, I mean, if his is anything like mine, it pops out above the waistline.  Call me ladies!

People throw the term “jailbait” around pretty loosely, but it’s important to remember that girls who are younger than 18 aren’t really jailbait unless you stalk them and keep loaded guns, duct tape, zip ties, and love letters in your car.

In a related story, Olympic gymnast and “Dancing with the Star” contestant Shawn Johnson is only 17 and has loyal fans…

A man claiming he was “meant to be” with Shawn Johnson was arrested early Tuesday morning after trying to sneak on to the set of “Dancing With the Stars” …

According to documents filed by Johnson, “The LAPD searched [34-year-old Robert O'Ryan's] vehicle and located a loaded .45 handgun, a loaded shotgun, and materials classically used for kidnapping including duct tape, zip ties, and a map to the victim. Also found were love letters, clippings and other information on the victim.”

…O’Ryan told police “He had packed all his belongings and permanently left Florida to drive out here to be with her, he believes that she speaks to him personally through the television set and through ESP and that they will have a child together, he stated he would be with her no matter what.”

In O’Ryan’s defense, he left the weapons and all the kidnapping tools in his truck, so it’s not like he was sneaking on to the set to kidnap her.  Sure, maybe he had some sexual assault in mind, but I doubt he planned to kidnap her.  Yet.