Here’s the eight-minute preview of “The X Factor” that I think ran on Fox yesterday. Basically, it’s “American Idol” with tiny tweaks so that Simon Cowell can make more money than he did as an “Idol” judge. And frankly, I don’t think Nicole Scherzinger is a good replacement for Cheryl Cole, but then I wasn’t going to be watching this show anyway, so the point is moot. My feelings on the Cheryl/Nicole thing, however, were calmed by the rich prose and razor-sharp punctuation of YouTube commenter goPrisonbreakgo:

Cheryl has been my idol since i was 8 years old and im fifteen now. the press is making a big deal out of nothing. of course chez is upset because she departed the way she did, but she knows that its about the contestants. she was a popstar before the x factor and she’ll be fine after it. Nicole is an amazing judge and she will definitely bring out the best of her contestants in the live shows. I loved her because of her warm personality and her amazing songs and she will always be my idol

Well put. I was going to join the discussion in the YouTube comments, but I thought “BEWBS!!!! ( . ) ( . )” might be too highbrow.

With the debut of the American “X Factor” looming, GQ profiled Simon Cowell for its most recent issue, and hoo boy are there some oddities that stick out. Although the multi-millionaire record producer-turned-TV star swears that his average, unrefined cultural tastes are what made him successful, his morning routine definitely doesn’t align with the common man’s.

In addition to getting a weekly intravenous vitamin drip, Cowell’s last act every night is to text his executive assistant what time he wants his breakfast, which is prepared and brought to him by his housekeeper. Every day for the last five years, Cowell has had the same breakfast:

Hot water with lemon. Then papaya juice with lime… Then oatmeal. Then tea. Then three different smoothies—a spinach smoothie,^¹ an antioxidant smoothie,^² and a super smoothie with seven fruits.^³

1. The specific recipes, as supplied by his assistant: 1 banana, 2 large handfuls of fresh young spinach, the juice of half a lemon, a small amount of freshly crushed ginger, a small glass of water, a tablespoon of honey, and 12 ice cubes, served in a tall glass with a black bendy straw.

2. One large carrot, 2 sticks of celery, 1 banana, 1 green apple, 25 green grapes, 3 slices of fresh ginger, 1 tablespoon of honey, 1 cup of orange juice, and 10 ice cubes.

3. One hundred twenty-six milliliters of grape juice, either red or green (30 grapes), 20 milliliters of blueberry puree (15 blueberries), 20 milliliters of strawberry puree (9 strawberries), 20 milliliters of apple puree (half an apple), 10 milliliters of lingonberry juice (8 lingonberries), 8 milliliters of acerola juice (5 acerola berries), and 8 milliliters of aronia juice (5 chokeberries).

In addition to that, Cowell relaxes every night in a warm bath of the freshly spilled blood of Cambodian babies, and before taping love shows, he snorts a mixture of ground-up rhinoceros horn and gold dust. (Probably.)

But seriously, that breakfast every day for FIVE YEARS. His bowel movements must be glorious.

There have been a slew of rumors about Cheryl Cole since she was reportedly fired four days into filming the U.S. version of “The X Factor” debuting this fall. Yesterday, The Hollywood Reporter confirmed that Cole was offered her job back and would “likely” return, then six hours later reported that Fox and production company Fremantle would buy out Cole’s contract. So for the moment she appears to be fired, but who knows? Here’s the most recent update:

According to a high-level industry source, after engaging in some legal brinksmanship the powers behind the show have concluded that it’s best to pay Cole the reported $1.5 million she was owed under her contract and say goodbye.

The source says it was clear that the chemistry wasn’t working among the judges from the start and that Cole lacked chemistry with Paula Abdul.”There was no spark,” this source says. “It was nobody’s fault. It just didn’t work.” [THR]

Let’s clear something up: it was definitely Paula’s fault. That broad is completely useless unless you need to get rid of your pill stash. This is an abomination. I’d rather watch Cheryl Cole doing nothing than Paula Adbul doing anything.

UPDATE: Newest new-new word: According to EW’s James Hibberd, Nicole Scherzinger will replace Cole.

Although Fox has yet to confirm it, various sources are saying that Cheryl Cole is out as a judge on the American “X Factor,” and that she’ll be replaced with Nicole Scherzinger, the Pussycat Doll/”Dancing with the Stars” champ who was originally signed to be the show’s co-host (Scherzinger has been a guest judge on the British “X Factor”). But it’s unclear whether Cole quit or got fired:

The Geordie beauty, 27, is homesick and it is thought her place will be taken by former Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger. A senior show source said: “It hasn’t worked out. She’s homesick and wants to return to the UK. She’s had enough.” [The Sun]

Cole was dropped from the judging panel on “X-Factor” largely because producers were concerned her English accent would be too difficult for an American audience to understand … sources close to the production tell TMZ.

There were other issues too — we’re told Cheryl and fellow judge Paula Abdul had a “lack of chemistry” … and Cheryl was more expendable. [TMZ]

Neither one of those explanations makes any sense. Cheryl wants to be super-famous and America is way better than England, so that homesick thing is crap. At the same time, it’s B.S. to fire her for her accent when Paula Abdul is slurring her way through another round of auditions. If anything, they should fire Paula and have Nicole and Cheryl sit next to each other at the judges table. And then they should make out.

I'm with stupid.

Simon Cowell’s “X Factor” began taping in Los Angeles yesterday, and for some reason Paula Abdul was there. My first assumption was that she wandered through by accident while searching for prescription medication, but it turns out that she actually had a seat at the judges’ table with Cowell, Cheryl Cole, and L.A. Reid.

The reunion between the former love-hate ”American Idol” colleagues was preceded by plenty of offstage drama, so much so that it was in doubt much of the weekend whether Abdul’s deal would be ready in time for Sunday’s first day of auditions…

Though the huge audience cheered and groaned at a variety of amateur acts in the state-of-the-art basketball arena, it was Cowell and Abdul who were clearly the star attractions. Their opening remarks were interrupted by cries of “We love you, Paula.” [LA Times]

I can only assume those were sarcastic cheers. “Oooh, yeah, we totally love you, Paula. You’re the greatest! Even better than other singers from 20 years ago who are far more coherent. Please, fill us with knowledge and insight.” I’m not sure if you can make a dismissive wanking motion with one of those big styrofoam “#1″ fingers, but I hope that they tried.