Holy crap.  The lone factory that made Slim Jims blew up last month (a natural gas explosion that killed three), and parent company ConAgra won’t be able to produce new inventory until the fall.  You know what that means?  SLIM JIM SHORTAGE EVERYONE PANIC!!!!

“People who like [Slim Jim], when they find out that there’s a shortage, are going to grab onto them, I’m certain of it,” said Harry Balzer [hee hee! -Ed.], a food industry analyst with NPD Group. “Maybe [Ben] Bernanke should step in with some TARP money because people can’t live without their Slim Jims.” [NY Post via BWE]

That’s true, according to food industry consultant Jim Degan. “[Slim Jims] loyalty is very high,” Degan said. “If you eat Slim Jims, you aren’t going to find brand B or C to be an acceptable substitute.”

Oh yeah.  Good luck trying to replace Slim Jims.  People who eat Slim Jims have some of the most refined palates in the world.  You just can’t find a substitute for spiced artificial beef.  Those people even eat Slim Jims with their pinkies extended.  They think they’re so much better than us!

(Obviously, this isn’t TV-related outside of the Randy “Macho Man” Savage commercials, so I included the best one here.  If you don’t laugh at the line “Art thou BORED?!?!” then I’m not sure we can be friends.)