Two bits of “Jersey Shore”-related spin-off news are floating around today, so let’s wipe them both out right here. First of all, JWOWW and Snooki’s new show is going to be filming in Jersey City now, because some of the bigwigs in Hoboken said the two of them would damage the city’s reputation. Damage Hoboken’s reputation? Yeesh. LOW BLOW, HOBOKEN. Seriously, that sounds like something you’d say to an alcoholic during an intervention that isn’t going well. “You’re tearing this family apart!” “I DON’T CARE!” “Well, you’re… you’re… YOU’RE GIVING HOBOKEN A BAD REPUTATION!” “[shaken to core] Oh my God. Wow. Ok, I’ll get help.”

Second of all, noted hair product aficionado Pauly D’s new show has a premiere date. It’s going to air March 29, after that new, Bieber-fied version of “Punk’d.” From The Hollywood Reporter:

The Shore spinoff will follow the Rhode Island native as he navigates the music industry, accompanying Britney Spears on her Femme Fatale tour and signing with 50 Cent’s G-Note Records. All the while, Pauly D learns to balance fame, family and the constant photo shoots, public appearances and interviews that have become a valuable part of his everyday life.

Ugh. I’ll let this GIF sum up my feelings on all this news.

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Lots of news stories out there today. Let’s mow them all down real quick-like, shall we?

Bill Murray helped Letterman celebrate his 30th anniversary – The 61-year-old comedy legend appeared on the show in shoulder pads and eye black, brought Dave a cupcake, and kicked a field goal in the middle of the street. Also, he posed for a picture with the musical act — nine member, all-girl Korean pop group Girls’ Generation (pictured, via Alex Ogle). For any further analysis, please consult the headline of this post. [Uproxx]

RIP Don Cornelius – The longtime “Soul Train” host died today at 75, of what appears to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Cajun Boy has a really nice obit at the Uproxx main page. [Uproxx]

Snooki is either pregnant or not pregnant – You are very welcome for that in-depth and informative medical analysis. That will be $100000000000000000000. (NOTE: I refuse to cover this story any further. I’m prepared to hand in my resignation if it comes to it.) (SECOND NOTE: My resignation letter is a paper plate with the words “I QWIT” spelled out on it in macaroni.) [NY Post]

Everybody on “X Factor” got fired – This week, the show sh-tcanned host Steve Jones, as well as judges Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul. My recommendation for their replacements: Me as the host, and Ghostface Killah and a koala wearing a top hat as judges. Ratings gold. [NY Times]

Showtime remains committed to quality television, nudity – The premium network renewed “House of Lies,” “Shameless,” and “Californication” today. Sometimes I feel like HBO, Starz, and Showtime are in an arms race to see who can get the most nudity on TV. Arms may have been the wrong body part for that analogy. I’ll go crunch some numbers and get back to you. [Deadline]

MOST IMPORTANT BREAKING CHEESEBURGER NEWS – Kate Upton is the new spokesperson for Hardees and Carl’s, Jr. OM NOM, indeed. [With Leather]

YA BOY – The first preview for Channing Tatum’s SNL appearance is after the jump. I’m always depressed when he opens his mouth and he doesn’t sound like Burnsy’s version of him.

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Yesterday, Matt touched on some of the more infuriating details from a recent interview Snooki did with GQ. The whole thing made him blind with rage, justifiably, so he may have missed one interesting little tidbit: Snooki says Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is broke:

GQ: So what do you spend your money on?

Snooki: I save it. Jersey Shore is going to end soon. I’m not going to spend money like Mike [The Situation]. He’s already broke!

Now, look, this could certainly be true. We’ve seen people go broke on far more money than The Situation has raked in (*coughHammercough*). And The Situation has never struck me as guy who has a rock solid investment scheme and long-term view on his finances. But, as always, it’s a good idea to take a step back and look at your source when you see a quote like this. I mean, I’m not saying you should question the accuracy of financial statements made by a woman whose biggest claim to fame is getting dumptrucked on umbrella drinks at trashy boardwalk clubs and accidentally displaying her vagina to strangers, but… …

No, that is what I’m saying. You should definitely do that. As an ironclad personal policy, preferably.

Ahhhh, nothing makes me feel like intellectual pursuits are a complete waste quite like Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi speaking straight from the heart. This time, the New York Times bestselling author sat down with GQ and shared her views about reading, politics, how she’d change “Jersey Shore,” and absolutely nothing that will make you feel good about the state of the nation. Choice excerpts:

GQ: So, I’ve got to ask: You’ve really never heard of J.K. Rowling or Maya Angelou?
Snooki: I don’t read. I don’t like to read Harry Potter or anything like that. It’s not my style.

GQ: But you’re a New York Times best-selling author!
Snooki: Yeah, doesn’t mean I have to read.

GQ: Fair point. What is your favorite book?
Snooki: Dear John. I read that in a day because it was so amazing. And then I ended up seeing the movie and it was really good. [SERIOUSLY? -Ed.] We were supposed to read in high school but I never did because I just used the CliffsNotes, books were too long.

*rubs temples* I… I don’t even want to process everything I just read there. Let’s just move on to how smart Snooki thinks she is:

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This video from Sean Klitzner would be a pretty cool breakdown of “Jersey Shore’s” idiotic fakery if he didn’t waste so much of my precious Internet time. The first minute-plus is an unfunny, over-long introduction, the next two minutes comprise the relevant “Jersey Shore” material, then the fourth minute is a non sequitur bit about Siri, and the final 90 seconds is all promotion for his Klitzner’s other projects. So it takes five and a half minutes to deliver less than 120 seconds of “Jersey Shore” breakdown. Dude, that is NOT how to make a viral video. Respect my ADD, man.

NEVERTHELESS, the “Jersey Shore” stuff — in which Klitzner dissects an obviously staged scene — is worth watching, because reality TV producers have to be some of the laziest morons in the entertainment industry. It’s worth revising that ugly old cliche — “Those who can, do. Those who can’t make reality television.”

[via BuzzFeed]