This video from Sean Klitzner would be a pretty cool breakdown of “Jersey Shore’s” idiotic fakery if he didn’t waste so much of my precious Internet time. The first minute-plus is an unfunny, over-long introduction, the next two minutes comprise the relevant “Jersey Shore” material, then the fourth minute is a non sequitur bit about Siri, and the final 90 seconds is all promotion for his Klitzner’s other projects. So it takes five and a half minutes to deliver less than 120 seconds of “Jersey Shore” breakdown. Dude, that is NOT how to make a viral video. Respect my ADD, man.

NEVERTHELESS, the “Jersey Shore” stuff — in which Klitzner dissects an obviously staged scene — is worth watching, because reality TV producers have to be some of the laziest morons in the entertainment industry. It’s worth revising that ugly old cliche — “Those who can, do. Those who can’t make reality television.”

[via BuzzFeed]

Anderson Cooper is a well-respected journalist who has reported from dangerous places like Iraq, Afghanistan, New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina, and Haiti in the aftermath of the devastating earthquake. But in this clip from his new talk show “Anderson” (watch below), Cooper ventures farther behind enemy lines than ever before: he goes spray-tanning with Snooki. I smell Pulitzer! Wait, no. That’s just hairspray.

Anyway, I think it’s great that Coop has a cushy new job that doesn’t involve going to third-world countries, because getting shot at gets old and we all gotta make that scrilla. I just wish there were a better way to collect the flotsam of the Oprah-viewing demographic than taking off your shirt and hanging out with Snooki.

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Well, this is more entertaining than I expected it to be: Snooki weighs in with some commentary on recent news stories like Hurricane Irene and Beyoncé’s pregnancy (video below). The production is annoying — the quick cut between stories is a grating montage of Snooks eating a pickle and burping — but the Guidette formerly known as Nicole Polizzi is kind of charming in her own mildly retarded way. At the very least, she’s more likable than Seth Meyers on Weekend Update. Not that that’s saying much. Rectal cancer is more likable than Seth Meyers.

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Are you the type of person who would be interested in a rock opera version of “Jersey Shore” starring a drag queen as JWOWW, a guy in an awesome puffy muscle suit, and a song titled “Snooki’s Lament”? Oh, you are? Please read on:

Mixing the cringe-worthy voyeurism of TV’s biggest train wreck with the even-more-embarrassing pastime of musical theater, “The Jersey Shoresical” is a “hilarious send-up of your favorite Guidos and Guidettes”, coming soon to the NYC Fringe Festival after a successful run in LA. Thought up by the show’s own “Ronnie” and “Sammie” (who count among their credits Mean Girls and Party Down, as well as stints with the Upright Citizens Brigade), the cast includes a drag queen (JWoww) who made it to the semis impersonating Britney Spears on America’s Got Talent, and a ’90s Brit pop star taking a turn as Snooki, proving the real reason America’s got talent is because we steal it from other countries. Done almost completely in song, the show’s narrated by a “Greek Chorus of drunk girls called the Random Sluts”, while original tunes include sure-to-be-classics such as “Grow Some Balls”, “B*tch in a Bed”, “I F’n Love You, I F’n Hate You”, and “Snooki’s Lament”, which oddly seems to suggest there’s something to not lament about being Snooki.

Oh dear God it’s marvelous. I’m fully aware there’s no way this can live up to the image I’ve got of it in my mind, but I don’t care at all at this point. I want to own the soundtrack. Sound unheard, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to declare that the first dance at my wedding will be to “I F’n Love You.”

The only way this could be improved, and I’m really just splitting hairs at this point, is if they somehow worked in those “Jersey Shore with British accents” guys. Those guys were the best.

Behind the scenes video of “The Jersey Shoresical” after the jump.

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Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is getting her own fragrance. The littlest Guidette — and best-selling “author” (ugh) — has apparently signed the contract, but the scent and bottle shape are still to be determined. But if the perfume stays true to the source, I’m sure it will smell like tanning oil, hairspray, pickles, and semen. And maybe sandalwood. Sandalwood makes it classy.

You know how hard-core drinkers dismiss New Year’s Eve as a night for “amateurs”? That’s kind of how I feel about this. There are so many easy jokes to make that even your parents and people with Hotmail accounts can get in on the action. Be careful, folks. There are a lot of inexperienced joke-tellers on the road tonight. Someone could get hurt.