So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) — The final twenty are selected tonight. I try to avoid watching reality competitions — even the good ones — because three hours of my week across two nights is just too much time to devote to a show. But damned if I didn’t watch all two hours of the Vegas callbacks last night. What can I say, I’m powerless when it comes to flexible tight-bodied women in tight-fitting clothes.

Love Bites (NBC) — I know no one’s watching this, but I feel like I should mention that Michelle Trachtenberg and Jeffrey Tambor guest star in tonight’s episode.

Children’s Hospital (Cartoon Network) — Nick Offerman and Sarah Silverman guest star. Offerman plays hard-ass cop Briggs; Silverman is Britches, the clown-faced ex of Blake (Rob Corddry).

Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo) — The harpies leave Morocco. C’mon, Morocco. This is the one time we totally would have given a pass to an Arab nation for stoning women in the streets.

NBA Finals (ABC) — Game 5, Miami at Dallas, with the series tied 2-2. Without getting into the cynical discussion of superstar shrinkage, this has been a pretty incredible finals so far.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Neil Patrick Harris on Letterman; Jim Carrey and Selena Gomez on Leno; Kathy Griffin and J.J. Abrams on Kimmel; Morgan Freeman on Ferguson; Kirstie Alley on Fallon; George Lopez on Conan; and for people who are REALLY dedicated to mash-ups, Girl Talk is on “Last Call with Carson Daly.”

Hoo boy. This is going to be problematic for people with eyes. Continue below for Daft Punk impersonators conducting some innovative dick slang with a prosthetic phallus on the Dutch version of “So You Think You Can Dance.”

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Congratulations go to Lauren Froderman, who last night was crowned the winner of Season 7 of “So You Think You Can Dance.” I was definitely pulling for her last night, both metaphorically and literally. What can I say, I have a hard spot for women with great bodies.

However, the most buzzworthy moment from the finale came from Ellen DeGeneres’s hip-hop dance with tWitch (video below), who presumably lost because some voters still care about sensible capitalization. It’s impressive; I haven’t seen a lesbian dance like that since… actually, I’ve never seen a lesbian besides Ellen dance before. Although to be fair, it’s hard to dance and scowl at the established patriarchy at the same time.

Aw, I’m just kidding, lesbians. C’mon, I’ll make it up to you. Let’s look at Lauren’s body together.

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So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) — Season finale. I don’t waste too much time on “SYTYCD” because it’s way too much work to follow these reality competitions that are on twice a week. But I respect that the show has given a broader audience to modern dance, because women with phenomenal asses deserve more attention. (Video featuring the banner image here.)

American Chopper (TLC) — Season premiere. This season’s theme is “Senior versus Junior,” building off of the fiery relationship between Pauls Sr and Jr that resulted in Junior getting fired last year. Junior should have sex with his mom; that would totally mess with his dad’s head!

Boston Med (ABC) — Season finale. Dr. Bo Pomahac performs a face transplant. Not as satisfying as a faceplant, but patients want what patients want.

BBQ Pitmasters (TLC) — Season premiere. There is zero chance that I could ever watch this show without a giant plate of pulled pork and ribs in front of me. Anything less would be too painful.

Raising Sextuplets (We) — Season finale. I spent much of the last week with my two nieces, ages four and one. I swear to God, if I have a wife who gives birth to six children, we’re giving at least four of them away. You can get a lot of money for a baby on the black market.

Ryan Seacrest Productions has already blessed us with the M*A*S*H and Cheers of this generation (“Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami” and “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated” respectively… or is it the other way around), and their next project promises to be our new Fame; E! is piloting a show about dancers and choregraphers that co-stars Lady Gaga… ‘s choreographer Laurie Ann Gibson.

Gibson choreographed Gaga’s videos for “LoveGame,” “Paparazzi,” and “Telephone,” and last year developed a routine for “So You Think You Can Dance.”  If green-lit, the show will cast seven attractive teens, strip them to their underwear, and make them fight it Illuminati imagery until they’ve all doused themselves in fake blood and melodramatically died.  It’s like Battle Royale, but gay and about 17 minutes long with commercials.

If you are interested in crying about life’s basic tasks during a commercial bumper, please contact Ryan Seacrest Productions for more information.