So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) — The final twenty are selected tonight. I try to avoid watching reality competitions — even the good ones — because three hours of my week across two nights is just too much time to devote to a show. But damned if I didn’t watch all two hours of the Vegas callbacks last night. What can I say, I’m powerless when it comes to flexible tight-bodied women in tight-fitting clothes.

Love Bites (NBC) — I know no one’s watching this, but I feel like I should mention that Michelle Trachtenberg and Jeffrey Tambor guest star in tonight’s episode.

Children’s Hospital (Cartoon Network) — Nick Offerman and Sarah Silverman guest star. Offerman plays hard-ass cop Briggs; Silverman is Britches, the clown-faced ex of Blake (Rob Corddry).

Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo) — The harpies leave Morocco. C’mon, Morocco. This is the one time we totally would have given a pass to an Arab nation for stoning women in the streets.

NBA Finals (ABC) — Game 5, Miami at Dallas, with the series tied 2-2. Without getting into the cynical discussion of superstar shrinkage, this has been a pretty incredible finals so far.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Neil Patrick Harris on Letterman; Jim Carrey and Selena Gomez on Leno; Kathy Griffin and J.J. Abrams on Kimmel; Morgan Freeman on Ferguson; Kirstie Alley on Fallon; George Lopez on Conan; and for people who are REALLY dedicated to mash-ups, Girl Talk is on “Last Call with Carson Daly.”

Hoo boy. This is going to be problematic for people with eyes. Continue below for Daft Punk impersonators conducting some innovative dick slang with a prosthetic phallus on the Dutch version of “So You Think You Can Dance.”

The so-called “music” here qualifies as aural rape, so do yourself a favor and skip to the 1:10 mark to watch this jackass spin like a top on his fake boner. And yes, it’s obviously a fake boner, unless cock push-ups are a real thing now.

(Cock push-ups? What are those?)

[via The Daily What]

Congratulations go to Lauren Froderman, who last night was crowned the winner of Season 7 of “So You Think You Can Dance.” I was definitely pulling for her last night, both metaphorically and literally. What can I say, I have a hard spot for women with great bodies.

However, the most buzzworthy moment from the finale came from Ellen DeGeneres’s hip-hop dance with tWitch (video below), who presumably lost because some voters still care about sensible capitalization. It’s impressive; I haven’t seen a lesbian dance like that since… actually, I’ve never seen a lesbian besides Ellen dance before. Although to be fair, it’s hard to dance and scowl at the established patriarchy at the same time.

Aw, I’m just kidding, lesbians. C’mon, I’ll make it up to you. Let’s look at Lauren’s body together.

UPDATE to annoying know-it-alls: I get it, tWitch WASN’T a contestant on this season. He still f*cking lost, didn’t he? Then just accept that I was making a joke about idiotic punctuation and move on with your sorry reality TV show-watching lives.

[video via ShowTracker, images via homorazzi on flickr]

So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) — Season finale. I don’t waste too much time on “SYTYCD” because it’s way too much work to follow these reality competitions that are on twice a week. But I respect that the show has given a broader audience to modern dance, because women with phenomenal asses deserve more attention. (Video featuring the banner image here.)

American Chopper (TLC) — Season premiere. This season’s theme is “Senior versus Junior,” building off of the fiery relationship between Pauls Sr and Jr that resulted in Junior getting fired last year. Junior should have sex with his mom; that would totally mess with his dad’s head!

Boston Med (ABC) — Season finale. Dr. Bo Pomahac performs a face transplant. Not as satisfying as a faceplant, but patients want what patients want.

BBQ Pitmasters (TLC) — Season premiere. There is zero chance that I could ever watch this show without a giant plate of pulled pork and ribs in front of me. Anything less would be too painful.

Raising Sextuplets (We) — Season finale. I spent much of the last week with my two nieces, ages four and one. I swear to God, if I have a wife who gives birth to six children, we’re giving at least four of them away. You can get a lot of money for a baby on the black market.

Ryan Seacrest Productions has already blessed us with the M*A*S*H and Cheers of this generation (“Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami” and “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated” respectively… or is it the other way around), and their next project promises to be our new Fame; E! is piloting a show about dancers and choregraphers that co-stars Lady Gaga… ‘s choreographer Laurie Ann Gibson.

Gibson choreographed Gaga’s videos for “LoveGame,” “Paparazzi,” and “Telephone,” and last year developed a routine for “So You Think You Can Dance.”  If green-lit, the show will cast seven attractive teens, strip them to their underwear, and make them fight it Illuminati imagery until they’ve all doused themselves in fake blood and melodramatically died.  It’s like Battle Royale, but gay and about 17 minutes long with commercials.

If you are interested in crying about life’s basic tasks during a commercial bumper, please contact Ryan Seacrest Productions for more information.

Shane Sparks, an Emmy-nominated choreographer for “So You Think You Can Dance” and a judge on “America’s Best Dance Crew,” was arrested Friday on suspicion of felony child molestation stemming from alleged incidents fifteen years ago.

The Los Angeles district attorney’s office filed an eight-count felony complaint [Friday] against Sparks, alleging multiple lewd acts upon a child, starting in 1994. It identified the victim as a girl who was younger than 14 years old when the incidents began. [LA Times]

Web site TMZ reported that Sparks attorney Steve Meister said ‘the case “stinks to high heaven” because Sparks’ accuser waited 15 years to come forward. He called the claims “extortion, Hollywood-style.” [Examiner]

Sparks, meanwhile, called the sex “statutory rape, Polanski-style.”

Two days ago, the Internet got all up in a tizzy because some people thought it looked like a contestant on “So You Think You Can Dance” flashed the world with her bare vagina. That was an actual belief that seemed plausible to people. They actually believed that someone who was on TV for the specific purpose of dancing would wear a short dress and no underwear. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how f-cking retarded that is. Thankfully, Fox released these pictures of said contestant very obviously wearing tights over bloomers, because — again — that’s the sort of thing dancers wear, rather than nothing.

Anyway, you didn’t see that story here on Warming Glow because I’m not a breathless idiot. Usually. I make exceptions for Christina Hendricks.

Katie Holmes was on last night’s episode of “So You Think You Can Dance” to sing and dance a tribute to Judy Garland (video below). Don’t be scared by the length of the clip: the first two minutes are Katie talking about some charity that she’s dancing for — “it’s for the children, blah blah blah” — then she does the little old-timey number for two and a half minutes, then the rest of it is voting results.  I think.  I kinda skipped through a lot of it.

It’s not particularly bad, just boring.  I mean, I guess Katie does okay, but the big musical number in fancy clothes with dancing around light poles as a tribute to an actress who died forty years ago just doesn’t resonate with this blogger at a laptop computer in the 21st century.  Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of things that I like about the 1940s and ’50s — men in fedoras, openly drinking at work, consequence-free sexual harassment, casual racism, the Holocaust — but this kind of musical number just isn’t one of them.

I love Jack White, okay?  I’m That Guy: you know, the one that has pretentious idiot music-snob conversations about how Meg White is a perfect drummer for the White Stripes because Jack intentionally gives himself constraints to work within, because that’s the only way that he can make music challenging for himself, maaaaaaan.  I deserve your scorn.

As That Guy, I think “Seven Nation Army” is about as badass as a rock song can be and still be a huge pop hit.  And I’m glad that it’s a popular song, because the aural retards who listen to Top 40 should be exposed to something good from time to time.

Unfortunately, the song’s popularity eventually manifested itself in the opening number to the most recent episode of “So You Think You Can Dance,” a number that the L.A. Times called a “sharp military-inspired hip-hop dance… reminiscent of Janet Jackson’s ‘Rhythm Nation’ video.”  Which is funny, because I call it reminiscent of wanting to punch people.

[via Stereogum]

Although Tokyo’s Nobuya Nagahama failed to make the final 20 on “So You Think You Can Dance”  (I guess he got “no boo-yah”?  That’s okay, I was leaving anyway), we can still enjoy his locking talents thanks to the miracle of YouTube.  And while his dancing skills are more than charming, what I really enjoyed was him pronouncing “ballet” as “bahray.”  Hooray for stereotypes!

On a side note, even though enlightened TV watchers claim that “SYTYCD” is excellent reality television, I still have a hard time watching the show because of Mary Murphy’s face.  Every time they cut to her reaction, I’m like “GAH!”  It’s so jarring.  She looks like a stroke victim with botox.

[BuzzFeed]