I used to work in Southie. I spent a lot of time in the area, and even hung out a couple of times at the Good Will Hunting bar (which is much smaller than it looks in the movie). At 3 a.m., there’s not a more terrifying neighborhood in New England. The only thing I can say about South Boston is that all the stereotypes are 100 percent true. They are their own parody video, and yet if you make fun of a Southie kid to his face, he will f**king break you.

As haunting as the idea of a real-life “Real Housewives of South Boston” reality show is, it’s als owicked pissah because, unlike the Bravo “Housewives” installments, in the South Boston version, the drugs will be wicked hard, the violence will be felonious, and the entire show will have to be subtitled.

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Remember those TLC Virgins that Matt wrote about last week (BRING BACK MATT … oh cram it in your cramholes, people)? Remember how they showed premarital affection by nuzzling their faces against one another like they were trying to start a fire with their foreheads? And remember their first kiss: At their wedding? And how it looked like they two frogs trying to catch flies IN EACH OTHER’S MOUTHS? Well, here’s a shocker. The first time they had sexual relations was not as mind-blowing as they’d expected.

Ryan said, “It was good, but not as good as I was expecting. It was not really like in the movies.” Shanna confided that it was “an amazing experience,” but also said that she found intercourse “really painful.”

No?! Get out of town! You mean to tell me that two 31-year-old virgins who kissed like two people mauling each other with their tongues didn’t have a good first sexual experience? Can you even imagine what it must have been like? Of course it hurt, Shanna. He was probably thrashing around on top of you like a fish out of water. Let this be a lesson to you, kids: Start early, come often, otherwise you’ll end up breaking a hip or poking an eye out on your wedding night.

(Source: Nerve)

Never mind that TLC already has “18 Kids and Counting” and “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” TLC still craves MORE PROGRAMMING ABOUT LOTS OF CHILDREN!!! Both of those shows started as individual documentaries on TLC, so we may one day live in a world with a show about Mormon quintuplets:

LDS parents Jayson, 35, and Rachelle, 34, Wilkinson of Cedar Park, Texas, agreed to let TLC follow their family through a “typical” day, with special focus on quintuplets Kassidy, Kaydence, Kyndall, Rustin and Ryder, for a documentary called “Multitude of Multiples” which aired Aug. 30.

The documentary presented two other families — the Carpios and the Tabbs — but their stories focused more on the dangers and the emotional drama involved in giving birth to multiples.

Rachelle felt this aspect was important to include in any depiction of families with multiples. “People shouldn’t have a distorted view. They need to know that there are real risks involved (in giving birth to multiples),” she said.

I hope people also realize the real risks involved in being Mormon, too. Don’t get me wrong, those are probably some of the nicest people on the planet. A little too nice. Like the alternate world people in Coraline. Sure, you can be a Mormon. Just let them sew buttons over your eyes.