Below is the trailer for the prequel miniseries “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena.” In case you haven’t been following the show’s off-screen troubles, the miniseries is a prequel to Season 1 due to star Andy Whitfield’s battle with non-Hodgkin lymphoma. (Whitfield finished treatment and was supposed to return to the set before the disease returned. Now Starz is recasting the title role.)

Anyhoo, the miniseries looks exactly like Season 1: a whole bunch of dudes who don’t eat carbohydrates in a mash-up of Gladiator and 300, with all the nudity you demand of your premium cable package. Starz is like, “Hey baby, I got your premium cable package RIGHT HERE.” And then they show some dong.

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If you haven’t already figured it out from the banner picture, the video below (via BWE) is my favorite “Today Show” clip since drunk Ewoks break danced, leg-humped, and fought each other on live TV. This is Burrito, and although he’s not very good at golf, I love him because he at least dresses the part. Where did his owner find such tiny golf clubs? I don’t care: all that matters is that he has them.

You know, I sometimes worry that this blog, which is supposed to be about television, is perhaps a little too overrun with cats and dogs wearing clothes. But then I take a look at the industry news, and it’s all, “Production has halted on ‘Spartacus’ because the guy who plays Spartacus has cancer.” Total downer, right? Even though it’s non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, which is barely cancer, it’s still sad. I hate to see anything put a stop to the filming of Lucy Lawless nude scenes.

Anyway, the point is, hee hee! That little dog is golfing!

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For once, I didn’t have to Photoshop a cat into the picture (AP photo)

Winter Olympics: Opening Ceremonies, Ski Jumping (NBC) — Unfortunately, because Canada’s not an overcrowded sea of humanity ruled by a communist regime, it’s unlikely that this will have the mind-blowing splendor of the opening ceremony at the Beijing Games. But hey, it’s something worth watching on a Friday. What, were you gonna watch “Smallville”?

What Not to Wear (TLC) — I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that half the countries’ Olympic uniforms for the parade will qualify as a what not to wear.

Swamp Loggers (Discovery) — Season finale. Maybe I spend too much time on the Internet, but “swamp logging” sounds like one of those disgusting sex acts that only exists on Urban Dictionary.

The Soup (E!) — The only other Irish-American I like better than Joel McHale is Conan O’Brien. No offense to you, Tits McGee.

Spartacus (Starz) — Apparently, Spartacus sucked in his first arena match, so he gets sentenced to fight in the Pits. It’s kind of like fighting in the arena, except it’s underground, with fire and a distinct S&M feel (see clip below).

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Dollhouse (Fox) — Series finale. Don’t worry, Joss Whedon will go on to make some other crappy show with a mediocre but hot lead actress that nerds will love and no one else will watch.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network) — Ahhhh, something to take the sting off the end of “Dollhouse” for grown men who own sci-fi figurines.

Caprica (Syfy) — Holy crap. Literally EVERY genre show is on Friday night. And look at this: “Smallville” is on, too. TV executives know exactly who can’t get dates.

The Shark Tank (ABC) — Features no actual sharks. Don’t bother.

Kitchen Nightmares (Fox) — You know what show with Gordon Ramsay I’d watch? One where he has to serve as the cook for “Bad Girls Club.” Those bitches would destroy him.

Spartacus (Starz) — Hey, I want to like this show. I really do. Gratuitous sex and nudity should be rewarded whenever possible (which is why I tip hookers). But the clip from tonight’s episode that I’ve embedded below has to be one of the stupidest, gayest fight scenes I’ve ever seen.

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The new series “Spartacus” premieres on Starz tonight, and since I’m staying in to watch Conan anyway, I figure I’ll give it a shot. I’ve already taken a peek at the first episode online, and from what I can tell it offers three things: tits, copious amounts of cartoonish blood, and an instant dissolution of my interest any time either of those two aren’t on-screen. The dialog is mercilessly bad, but I look forward to plugging the data into my theorem of male entertainment:

E = (P (x + v))/t

– where E is entertainment value, P is plot, x is sex, v is violence, and t is time. Basically, as long as the show isn’t too long and the plot isn’t a null set, it’s going to be worth my while. Sorry, is this too highbrow? What I’m trying to say is that nudity and violence are awesome.