Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag — the unapologetic villains of “The Hills” and arguably the most shameless famewhores of the 21st century — were ubiquitous in the gossip news cycle until America’s collective revulsion finally rendered them obsolete. Now, in a lengthy and revealing interview with The Daily Beast, they recognize making mistakes in their intertwined careers and personal lives. The whole thing is worth reading, but here’s the crux of it:

They’re broke and living at Spencer’s parents’ beach house in Santa Barbara because of the free rent; Heidi’s body and face are forever changed from plastic surgeries she now wishes she had not gotten; their relationships with friends and family are severely damaged; and they have found themselves largely unemployable, both on camera and off.

Other revelations: “Reality TV is not a career” (Spencer); the couple spent $2 million on Heidi’s hilariously terrible attempt at a music career; Spencer estimates he spent $1 million on clothes he wore once and threw away (“I would never wear that again. They’re props. Everything we were doing, we were buying props”); and much of the drama between them — not just for the cameras, but in their lives — was faked (they’ve never broken up).

All in all, The Daily Beast article paints a fairly sympathetic picture of them — two young people caught up in the notion of fame, used by a TV network and a celebrity culture all too happy to exploit their naïveté. I actually felt a little bit of pity for them. Then I did an image search for “spencer pratt heidi montag,” and I remembered, “Oh right, these people are AWFUL.” A rent-free beach house in Santa Barabara? F**K YOU. I’ll feel a tiny modicum of respect for them when they pay for a lousy apartment in a crappy neighborhood with money they earned doing construction work or busing tables, because that’s what NON-entitled assh*les do.

Buckle in, people. It’s time for another round of Danger Guerrero’s patented and exciting TV pitches. A lot has happened since the first edition, only a few weeks ago. First of all, a number of far inferior shows were greenlighted, including: “Big Fat Gypsy Weddings,” two “Jersey Shore” spin-offs, and a show featuring Jake Pavelka, Heidi Montag, and Danielle Staub. Guhhhh. Second, we learned about “Puppies vs. Babies,” possibly the greatest show ever. As excited as I was by this, it meant I had to scrap my idea for “Puppy Wars” — a show consisting solely of pictures of cute puppies, with the audience voting on a winner every week. I was furious.

This time I’m branching out a little to show some range. I’m no one-trick pony, Hollywood executives. After leading off with some reality shows ideas, I’m going to break into TNT/USA style dramas, daytime programming, and even some made-for-TV movies. I won’t rest until I’m hired to run a cable network.
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Oh man oh God oh man Oh God oh man. Good news, everybody. GREAT news. Heidi and Spencer Pratt are filing for bankruptcy. They’ve lost everything. What a terrific day this is. I can’t remember ever being so happy.

The cash-strapped couple have reportedly squandered their combined $10 million fortune on living a lavish lifestyle, which included the use of private jets and six cars.

A further $3 million was wasted on the surgery-obsessed blonde’s failed music career, while renting a home in Malibu, California, set the pair back $35,000 a month, and Heidi’s bout of ten cosmetic procedures in 2009 is believed to have cost the duo – who recently rekindled their romance after parting ways in April – tens of thousands of dollars.

Additionally, Heidi and Spencer are now faced with a $2 million tax bill, which they are unable to pay.

The couple are now living in a studio apartment in the grounds of Spencer’s parents’ home. He said: “I feel like I’m 14 years old again. My parents are my lifeline.” [Contact Music via Best Week Ever]

Oh God, that was fantastic. Was it good for you, too? I could go for a cigarette right now. Right after I get cleaned up.

The Hills (MTV) — Season premiere. The supposed drama tonight comes from whether or not Heidi’s pregnant. Um, seriously MTV? We kind of would have heard from the tabloids by now if that were the case. Also, if my daydreams are at all true, doctors replaced Heidi’s uterus with a balloon filled with rat poison during her last round of plastic surgery.

Glee (Fox) — I’ve frequently written little snippets about how I briefly enjoyed this show, but Dan Suitor has a great article at Gawker TV about how the show has traded in its dark and satirical side for a bigger audience.

Lost (ABC) — WHAT? It’s not a new episode?!?!? O time, you cruel mistress, move faster!

Dancing with the Stars/American Idol (ABC/Fox) — And to think, I used to like singing and dancing.

NBA Playoffs (TNT) — Game 5 of Bulls-Cavs followed by Thunder at Lakers. C’monnnnn, earthquake!

Little Chocolatiers (TLC) — New episode of “The Real Oompa Loompas of Utah” tonight. There are also re-runs of “Help! I’m Turning Into a Giant” because, y’know, TLC.

Justified (FX) — This is the last time for a while. Next week I’m not including it in the listings, but it’ll still be on, okay? So just shut your little whore mouths in advance.

Here are highlights to the year set to auto-tune, and I’m posting this video because I love how shallow and TV-centric it is. Ah, 2009. Remember all the important things that happened? Like Jon & Kate Gosselin’s marriage falling apart, Lady Gaga, Kanye at the VMAs, Octomom, Spencer & Heidi, Christian Bale’s meltdown, and Balloon Boy? Oh right, and our new president! He killed that fly!

Barack Obama: Uh, I also won the Nobel Peace Prize.
America: The noble what now?