Okay everybody, fasten your sweatpants. We’ve got a new trailer for Season 6 of “The Hills,” and from what I can tell it seems to be some sort of metaphor for baby chicks being ground up alive.  It looks like it’s going to be another exciting season of people looking at each other while music plays — with the added dramatic twist of Spencer Pratt wearing a cowboy hat. Pardon me while I urinate on this memory of MTV playing music videos and “The State.”

I’ve got a 49-second trailer after the jump, but those of you with ironclad patience and a masochistic bent should enjoy the full two minutes of intense temple-rubbing offered up by Videogum.

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Believe me, I don’t like writing Speidi news any more than you like reading it, and I wouldn’t be writing about them at all if this didn’t involve naked tits.  As previously rumored, Heidi Montag — whom I’m going to keep calling Montag because she’s only going to be Heidi Pratt until they get a divorce to get back in the headlines a couple years from now — has confirmed that she posed nude for the September issue of Playboy.  There’s not much else to write about this, as Brendon from WWTDD said what we all already know:

Heidi is one of those girls you can picture naked right now. Skinny, pale, big fake tits with nipples that point out to the side a little because she was too small to go as big as she did. There. That was free.

And yet, we’re all going to look at the naked pictures anyway.  It doesn’t matter that her hair’s fake and her nose is fake and her tits are fake, a woman gets naked and we look.  I’ll give Heidi this, though: she’s got a hot little ass.  I would almost be turned on by it if I didn’t know that this had already been there.

I do my best to steer clear of Spencer-and-Heidi news around here, but this weekend there was a tabloid firestorm as the former Miss Montag was rushed from the “I’m a Celebrity…” set to a Costa Rican hospital, where doctors unfortunately saved her life.  TMZ says:

We’ve learned Heidi was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with a gastric ulcer, after being held with hubby Spencer Pratt in a dark room for a day and a night with only water, rice and beans. It was designed as punishment because they left the show. One cast member described their treatment this way: “It’s the same as Guantanamo Bay.”

That cast member: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

And get this … a cast member tells us NBC execs tried to convince Heidi to stay on the set rather than take an ambulance to a hospital for treatment. She has now left the hospital and is on meds.  We’re told some of the cast members want to quit, but their passports have been taken away and they are under guard.

Oh no.  NBC is mistreating our celebrities.  Our precious D-list fame-whoring celebrities.  Won’t someone do something.  There should be a, uh, petition?  Yeah, someone should start one of those.  **turns on TV, falls asleep to infomercial**

(NOTE: I pasted the banner image into Photoshop and — no lie — the application quit and closed.)

Next Monday marks the premiere of NBC’s “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!,” a reality show that will pit some of the most vile quasi-celebrities on the planet — the roster includes Heidi and Spencer Pratt, Janice Dickinson, Sanjaya from “American Idol,” and Stephen Baldwin, among others — against each other in the unforgiving environment of the Costa Rican jungle.

Will it be worth it to see people we hate in miserable conditions?  Does schadenfreude make good television?  It seems the pampered stars won’t be getting many frills:

The day before flying out to the jungles of Costa Rica, Stephen Baldwin – on his way to getting last minute vaccination shots – [revealed] what he and the other celebrity contestants are allowed to bring with them: Three pairs of socks and three pairs of underwear. “That’s it and that’s no joke,” the youngest Baldwin brother says. [NY Post]

I really think I could hate-watch it in small doses.  I’ll be pulling for Baldwin to win.  Baldwin, or yellow fever.

(By the way, Spencer is still reportedly going, even though he failed his medical exam: “Show bosses sent “The Hills” star to a Los Angeles hospital for further tests, after discovering problems with his blood.”  What could it be?  Acid that burns through walls?  A mysterious black, tar-like substance?  100% douchewater?)

If you’re wondering why there are so many extra H’s on the “GUH” in the headline, it’s because Spencer Pratt has recorded a single.  Yes, the same Spencer Pratt from “The Hills” and the upcoming “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here.”  And this is going to surprise you, but the chorus of the song goes “I’m a celebrity/Get me out of here.”  Why, it’s almost like this song is meant to promote his new show!

In the song, Pratt is not shy to express his appreciation for his ‘haters’ rapping, “Countin’ on the haters everyday to keep me goin’, because without the haters, baby, I would be no one.” Pratt goes on to explain, “America hates me, ’cause the media loves me.”

Pratt also flaunts his financial success saying, “MTV made me President Rich,” a claim which is supported by reports that Pratt makes $65,000 per episode, bringing his yearly salary to approximately $1.2 million a year. What does Spencer spend the money on? “You know how the swag goes, Bentleys and Lambos,” he boasts in the song. [source]

Hey, is anyone else’s eyelid twitching?  If that didn’t make you ill enough, you can actually listen to the song here.  I made it through 45 seconds.  My mouth got really dry and I thought I was about to burp up some stomach acid, so I had to stop.  And my skin is still crawling several minutes later.  But other than that it’s really good.