NFL Football: Titans at Steelers (NBC) — Praise Jeebus. I’m so happy the NFL’s starting that I don’t even care that it adds 15-20 hours to my work week. Yes, dick jokes on KSK are work, dammit.
Vampire Diaries (CW) — Series premiere. Personally, I’d like to see a show about tranny vampires. Trampires. Scary, right?
Behind the Music (E!) — Tonight: Lil Wayne. His childhood was somewhat different than mine: “Growing up in the dangerous, poverty stricken neighborhood of New Orleans’ 17th ward was tough for Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., aka Lil Wayne. By the time he was 11 years old, Lil Wayne had lost his virginity, dealt drugs, snorted cocaine, and nearly shot himself to death after accidentally pulling the trigger of a gun he found in his mother’s bedroom.” [Yahoo] On the other hand, I won the sixth grade spelling bee. Try to guess which one of us has millions of dollars. Yup, that’s why you surround your children with drugs and guns.
Project Runway (Lifetime) — Somehow, the models determine the fate of the designers tonight. Sorry Tim Gunn, you lose to football.
Animal Armageddon (Animal Planet) — Added to my to-do list: make a Photoshop of the movie Armageddon starring animals instead of Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck.
WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:
MLB Home Run Derby (ESPN) — Last year’s exhibibition became the highlight of the All-Star break when human-interest story Josh Hamilton hit a record gazillion home runs in a single turn at bat. No such excitement will happen tonight, but you can hope.
Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen) — The ten remaining contestants take a pole-dancing class. Sexiest show ever? Sexiest show ever.
Weeds (Showtime) — While pregnant Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) considers marriage to a dangerous Mexican drug lord (who hasn’t bee there before?), Alanis Morrisette’s OB/GYN character gets involved with Andy. It could lead to that Alanis sex scene we’ve long awaited. Maybe she’ll go down on him IN. A. THEA-TERRR.
The Bachelorette (ABC) — The final three guys take turns hittin’ it. I mean, probably. I didn’t really read the preview. But that sh-thead Wes is gone, so that’s nice.
Insanely Pampered Hollywood Dogs (E!) — E! executives already miss the halcyon days of exploitative specials on the death of Michael Jackson.
Party Heat (truTV) — TV Guide description: “Officers try to maintain order during spring break in Lake Havasu, Ariz.” …with sexy results.
Even people who don’t watch sports stopped and took notice on Friday night when LeBron James sank the catch-and-shoot buzzer-beating three-pointer to save the Cavaliers’ hopes in the Eastern Conference semifinals against the Orlando Magic. By chance, the end of that game coincided with the end of the 11 o’clock news in Cleveland, where the Channel 5 news team had resigned itself to a loss of viewers and a Cavs loss. Being consummate professionals, they handled LeBron’s shot with straight-faced gravity.
Nah, just kidding. They whooped it up and acted like they weren’t on TV, making it one of the better newscasts of the 21st century. (After the jump, watch the videos synced together.)
The Stanley Cup playoffs have begun, which means it’s crunch time for Candian sports networks like Rogers Sportsnet. I mean, this is bigger than the Grey Cup! Bigger than curling!
And on Wednesday night, reporter Roger Millions was on the scene in Chicago, where Canadia’s own Calgary Flamers were in town to play the Chicago Blackguards. [Ed. Note: I don't watch much hockey.] Problem was, Millions didn’t realize he was on live TV, and then he messed up his report, so… yeah. That’s how words like what I call your mom end up on television.
Probably for the best if he loses his job over this. With a name like “Roger Millions,” he was born to be a game show host. They could call it, “Who Wants to be a C-cksucker?”
